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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do now?

91 replies

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 03/05/2018 17:52

A parent is organising an end of term party for leaving primary school.

There are a number of reasons why my daughter doesn't want to go to the party. I asked her what she would like to do. She said she would like to go for a meal with my parents instead. She's already arranged this with her Granny.

I told party organiser mother that she wasn't going. Party organiser mother took huge offence at this and sent me some abusive messages. I didn't want to get into an argument so I ignored these.

I've now found out that without asking me first, another mother has paid party organiser mother for my child. I don't know why she has done this, especially as she is on a low income herself.

Party organiser mother is now smug because my child is now coming to the party.

How do I get out of this without offending generous mother? I would like to keep a good relationship with her as our children are friends and are going to the same secondary school. Party organiser's child is going to a different school so I don't need to keep in contact with her.

Daughter is upset as she really doesn't want to go to the party and wants to do the meal with my parents instead.

OP posts:
user1471517900 · 03/05/2018 17:54

Send her to your parents. It's fairly simple

Bluntness100 · 03/05/2018 17:54

Pay the mother back and explain your daughter can't attend and you're surprised that the woman took her money as knew that.

Text organiser and say she can't come then don't respond further.

It would appear the other mother has been told you've been refusing to pay and uour child wants to go.

jigglepiggle · 03/05/2018 17:54

Be honest with generous mother. Explain your daughter has arranged a meal with her granny and would prefer to do that. And obviously pay her back the money she paid for your daughter.

FrancisUnderwood · 03/05/2018 17:55

If your daughter doesn't want to go to the party of the child of an agressive, obnoxious mother then she doesn't have to and I applaud her for her decision.

I'd ask the generous mum how much she paid (likely not to be much), and reimburse her. She was only trying to be kind.

Original poster
YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 03/05/2018 18:07

It's £35 that has been paid, so it's not a small amount of money!

I said I could pay for the party or we could use the money for a family activity. That's when she decided to invite my parents to have a celebratory meal with us.

OP posts:
dontlikebeards · 03/05/2018 18:19

I don't think you should be responsible for paying the generous mother back. You said your child wasn't going and that should have been it. The money isn't your responsibility.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/05/2018 18:20

You HAVE to talk to the woman who paid. She has probably been sold a really stupid story and thinks she has done you a favour... you and Smug Mum both know that isn't true, Smug Mum has taken her for a mug!

Don't hide from this.. be very unEnglish... let everyone know what Smug Mum has done to that poor unsuspecting Innocent and Kind Mum!

Angrybird345 · 03/05/2018 18:26

Tell the mom who pad that your dd isn’t going!!!

Glumglowworm · 03/05/2018 18:30

Talk to the generous woman who paid, she was almost certainly told that your poor dd was desperate to go but you couldn’t afford it or were too mean to pay.

Tell nasty organiser that she needs to refund generous woman immediately.

How lovely that your daughter wanted to celebrate with her grandparents.

WatchingFromTheWings · 03/05/2018 18:32

Don't pay her a penny! You already told her your daughter wasn't going.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 03/05/2018 18:33

unless your DD has issues surely she would be better attending a party with her school friends - she can eat with granny anytime?

BMW6 · 03/05/2018 18:37

Why is this such an issue? Simply tell the generous mum that your daughter doesn't want to go and that the organizer knew this, so you are bemused why she has taken it upon herself to buy a ticket for your daughter and why the organizer has accepted her payment!
Weird behaviour by all concerned.

Crispbutty · 03/05/2018 18:39

I would try and find out exactly why your daughter doesnt want to go. It sounds quite unusual, and surely a meal with grandparents can be done on a different date.

FancyThatFenceEdge · 03/05/2018 18:40

"The money isn't your responsibility."

This a million times!

Not your responsibility that some idiot paid on your behalf, especially when your child neither wants to go and you agreed to a family meal instead.

Fuck the lot of them and leave them to their shitty devices I say.

I wouldnt be paying diddly squat. Not a fucking chance.

ICantCopeAnymore · 03/05/2018 18:43

Why on earth would you pay any money?!

Also, just tell them she isn't going because she doesn't want to.

I dont understand the issue.

Smeddum · 03/05/2018 18:43

Pay the mother back and explain your daughter can't attend and you're surprised that the woman took her money as knew that

Don’t pay her back, she can get a refund. Explain that you’d spoken to organiser mum and she knew your DD wouldn’t be coming and had no right taking money!

Lonesurvivor · 03/05/2018 18:45

Who told you the other mother paid for your daughter?

RebootYourEngine · 03/05/2018 18:48

I would not be paying the mum any money. She should not have paid without speaking to you and party mum should not have taken the money when she knew that your child wasnt going.

blueskyinmarch · 03/05/2018 18:52

Surely smug mum must realise that someone paying for your DD is no guarantee of her attendance at the party? Seems strange that nice mum did this though. Do you think smug mum browbeat nice mum into doing this or told her fibs somehow?

You need to speak to nice mum and tell her your DD was never going to the party and that she has organised an outing with her grandparents instead. Could she possibly ask smug mum for that money back? How much was it?

Original poster
YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 03/05/2018 20:44

Just to answer the questions:

Daughter doesn't want to go as she doesn't want to do one of the activities and she is nervous of the bus.

She's claustrophobic and has done the activity before and had a panic attack so she doesn't want to do it again. The second activity is something she does regularly which she enjoys but overall she doesn't think it's worth putting up with the other activity and the bus just to do that.

Sorry I'm being vague but the bus is a one off unique thing so I don't want to post a link. It's got a theme from an old film aimed at male adults so the theme is lost on her (and probably most of the others). The windows are blacked out with scenes from the film on and the seats are benches along the sides so they are facing each other across the aisle. It doesn't have seat belts which worries her. The journey is 45-60 mins. She thinks that will be claustrophobic and make her feel travel sick if she can't see out of a window. We've looked at the pictures and videos on the bus website and I've tried to persuade her, but she won't go on it. I rang the bus company and explained to try and get some reassurance but he said he wouldn't recommend it for her!

These were issues I did raise before everything was booked but I was ignored.

Also we're going on holiday the next day, so she said she'd rather come home from school, pack her stuff, do the meal and have an early night!

I know the generous mother has paid as organiser mother put a message in the group chat thanking the generous mother for paying for my daughter.

It was £35 so not a small amount of money. I don't know why generous mother has paid this.

OP posts:
Original poster
YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 03/05/2018 20:45

Thanks for the comments though. I'm tired tonight but over the weekend, I'll try and speak to generous mother and sort it out with her first.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 03/05/2018 20:49

So 'Organiser' Mother took the money from 'Generous' Mother whilst knowing you had already said your DD would not be attending... Hmm

that's calculated... Flowers

StealthPolarBear · 03/05/2018 20:52

Don't pay anyone anything. In face assuming you ve made it really clear so far you do not need to get involved any further.

StealthPolarBear · 03/05/2018 20:53

Not your problem
However are there likely to be issues for dd at school?

iamyourequal · 03/05/2018 20:59

Also we're going on holiday the next day, so she said she'd rather come home from school, pack her stuff, do the meal and have an early night!.
Your daughter sounds really sweet! Don’t be worrying about any of this. It’s clearly not your fault and shouldn’t be your mess to sort out! Organiser mum is bang out of order and it’s disgraceful she has shared that someone else paid for your DD. I would be telling her to refund the money pronto and to take her post off whatever platform it’s on.