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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do now?

91 replies

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 03/05/2018 17:52

A parent is organising an end of term party for leaving primary school.

There are a number of reasons why my daughter doesn't want to go to the party. I asked her what she would like to do. She said she would like to go for a meal with my parents instead. She's already arranged this with her Granny.

I told party organiser mother that she wasn't going. Party organiser mother took huge offence at this and sent me some abusive messages. I didn't want to get into an argument so I ignored these.

I've now found out that without asking me first, another mother has paid party organiser mother for my child. I don't know why she has done this, especially as she is on a low income herself.

Party organiser mother is now smug because my child is now coming to the party.

How do I get out of this without offending generous mother? I would like to keep a good relationship with her as our children are friends and are going to the same secondary school. Party organiser's child is going to a different school so I don't need to keep in contact with her.

Daughter is upset as she really doesn't want to go to the party and wants to do the meal with my parents instead.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 03/05/2018 21:04

Ok well that all makes sense and is understandable. If I were the party mother I would have no problem with it. I would text mother2 and simply say “I would have had no problem paying but dd isn’t going because... (insert reasons as above)”

I wonder if mother2 has been told that your dd isn’t going due to the cost and is just trying to be kind.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 03/05/2018 21:06

I'd love to be a fly on the wall & see Smug Mum's face!

She's calculated the cost of it all on the basis that your DD would want to attend, and has based what everyone will need to pay in accordance with her incorrect assumption!

She's going to look like a total idiot and absolutely needs to reimburse the £35 to kind mum, who I'm renaming "Mug Mum"

seven201 · 03/05/2018 21:12

Excellent that this is on group chat. Just reply.

As I said when I saw you on X date, daughter won't be going on the trip. Please refund generous friend (who wasn't to know daughter wasn't going) as soon as possible. Thank you x

Message generous friend separately and say thank you for paying etc.

SomeKnobend · 03/05/2018 21:16

Reply in group chat reminding the organiser that your dd doesn't want to go and as previously confirmed will not be attending, so you are confused as to why she accepted the money from generous mum, and could she refund it please. Thanks generous mum but say it wasn't necessary as you would have paid yourself if dd had wanted to go, but she doesn't.

Original poster
YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 26/05/2018 08:19

This is still dragging on.

Organiser mother is saying daughter is paid for, so she is going. She won't refund.

Generous mother won't take any money from me and won't ask for a refund.

Generous mother says daughter must attend because her daughter wants her to go and it will upset her and offend organiser mother if we don't go.

Daughter still doesn't want to go and is getting constant hassle from generous mothers daughter at school saying she has to go because it's paid for. They bought my daughter a "best friends forever" tshirt for her birthday, even though she didn't have a party or any celebration with friends, so a present wasn't expected. Don't know if that was generous or calculated.

As a side issue, generous mothers daughter doesn't really want to go either but she said her mother said she had to go.

So basically it's stalemate with them saying she is going and daughter saying she is not!

All over a party organised out of school that isn't compulsory to attend Confused

OP posts:
Rhayader · 26/05/2018 08:32

It's not really a stalemate because you and your daughter have ultimate authority. You've made it very clear but they just aren't listening. Just take your DD out for dinner with grandparents... nobody should be shocked that you followed through with the thing you've said 100 times you would do.

Rhayader · 26/05/2018 08:33

I wouldn't be surprised if there are other kids not going to this and organiser mother is worried about it being a flop.

Lollypop701 · 26/05/2018 08:36

I would go on group chat and tell them that your daughter is not going and this was clearly from beginning. This is due to the fact it is likely your DD will be sick on the bus AND in one of the planned activities. You have spoken to bus co who have told you it’s not suitable for your Dd. you would not want to ruin everyone else’s enjoyment. You have made other arrangements which cannot now be cancelled. Thank mug mum for being so kind, but be clear organiser knew this from start. As this is your decision, hope they can please understand, as Dd is getting upset. Go Ott on being sick issue, and definitely On the group chat so parents who are not so close will support/sympathise as they won’t want to ruin their child’s experience! Good luck

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 08:38

Let them sort it out amongst themselves.

MarthasGinYard · 26/05/2018 08:38

Bloody hell

I'd be mortified if someone had paid 35 pounds for my dc

Are you sure you hadn't told 'generous mother' you couldn't afford it or similar, as it seems a strange thing to do. She must have thought your dd wanted to go.

Sounds awful

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 08:39

Also, it's not stalemate. She's your child and she isn't going.

Thehop · 26/05/2018 08:39

I know you shouldn’t have to but maybe now you need to just not go on the night of the trip. You’ve made it clear and they’re ignoring you. Remove yourself from group chat, it’s about a trip that you aren’t booked on.

Reassure your daughter that she won’t be attending and can say what she wants at school.

Slight grey rock.

MarthasGinYard · 26/05/2018 08:40

'All over a party organised out of school that isn't compulsory to attend '

Quite

The organiser mother sound like a right jack Russell

Yogagirl123 · 26/05/2018 08:41

My DS never enjoyed parties either so I can understand completely.

Organiser sounds like a bully, there shouldn’t have been any question if you said your DD wouldn’t be attending, and why on Earth would another mum take it on herself to pay for your child? I would find that offensive in itself.

I would not pay and would say to the mum that paid to get the money back herself.

Enjoy your family plans with your DD.

iklboo · 26/05/2018 08:44

Organiser mother is saying daughter is paid for, so she is going

What's she going to do - come round to your house & drag your DD kicking & screaming out of bed?

GlitterGlue · 26/05/2018 08:49

Your daughter isn’t going as you already have a family event arranged. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I wouldn’t allow my child on that bus either. Up to an hour on the road on a bench seat without a seatbelt? Fuck that.

LavenderDoll · 26/05/2018 08:55

I would pay generous mum back irrespective of whether she wanted it or not.
I would post in the group chat that DD didn't want to go and other plans had been made.
And then I wouldn't give it a second thought
Hopefully once aired in group chat organiser mum will refund anyway

ushuaiamonamour · 26/05/2018 09:00

In your place I'd be furious. Only in part because outsiders are trying to usurp your parental role--'Organiser mother is saying daughter is paid for, so she is going' and now Generous Mother saying that your daughter will go.

And in your place I'd praise my daughter for making a good choice and for not yielding to people who are trying to manipulate her. Please don't set her a bad example by giving in, apologising, over-explaining. As well, though I'm not usually spiteful, as soon as a suitable opportunity arose I'd drop a quiet reference to the event making a profit for Organiser mum given that she's keeping the £35.

BrutusMcDogface · 26/05/2018 09:02

How strange is this?! How do people think they can control the behaviour of others? I agree with just putting on the group chat that she's not going and that's that! She already has other plans. Sounds like an odd set up for a group of 10-11 year olds, anyway.

LIZS · 26/05/2018 09:02

It is generous mother's loss if she has paid knowing your dd is not going. Do not give in to emotional blackmail. Is your dd leaving the school on question?

bevelino · 26/05/2018 09:20

OP, do not allow yourself to be pushed around by the other mothers and put your own child first.

The mother organising the event should not have sent you abusive messages and the generous mother should not have paid for your child without your consent. Both women are expecting you to place their child above your own. Just say no to the party, which at £35 per child is ridiculously expensive.

Eliza9917 · 26/05/2018 09:25

Why should the op be out of pocket for something her daughter never intended to go to. The organiser should give the money back or the woman that paid it forfeits it and learns a lesson about interfering.

I wouldn't phrase it that the daughter can't make it, either, I'd say she doesn't want to go.

Returnofthesmileybar · 26/05/2018 09:35

This is crazy!! Honestly you need to be firm

To generous mum "Dd tells me that

Returnofthesmileybar · 26/05/2018 09:38

And don't pay generous mother a penney, in fact stop calling her generous mother and start calling Batshit Controlling Mother 2, BCM2 for text purposes, these women are lunatics!!

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 09:39

Or just block them.