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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do now?

91 replies

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 03/05/2018 17:52

A parent is organising an end of term party for leaving primary school.

There are a number of reasons why my daughter doesn't want to go to the party. I asked her what she would like to do. She said she would like to go for a meal with my parents instead. She's already arranged this with her Granny.

I told party organiser mother that she wasn't going. Party organiser mother took huge offence at this and sent me some abusive messages. I didn't want to get into an argument so I ignored these.

I've now found out that without asking me first, another mother has paid party organiser mother for my child. I don't know why she has done this, especially as she is on a low income herself.

Party organiser mother is now smug because my child is now coming to the party.

How do I get out of this without offending generous mother? I would like to keep a good relationship with her as our children are friends and are going to the same secondary school. Party organiser's child is going to a different school so I don't need to keep in contact with her.

Daughter is upset as she really doesn't want to go to the party and wants to do the meal with my parents instead.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 26/05/2018 09:40

It isn't stalemate.

It was £35 so not a small amount of money. I don't know why generous mother has paid this

'Hi Generous/interfering mother. The money wasn't the issue. My daughter doesn't want to attend. No idea why you got yourself involved in this but she isn't attending as we already have plans. Plans that my daughter asked for. Can you kindly desist from getting involved in someone else's family in future. Thanks'.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/05/2018 09:49

You mentioned a group chat, I'd be making it clear on there that you have no idea why your dd has been paid for as you had already confirmed she would not be attending, she does not want to attend and she has plans already that day.

YouTheCat · 26/05/2018 09:49

She doesn't have to go whether she is paid for or not.

The fact that they're putting pressure on her to attend says to me that this girl is not a good friend anyway. Your dd will make loads of new friends at secondary. Don't make her into a people pleaser at the expense of her own wishes.

Ginger1982 · 26/05/2018 09:52

This is ridiculous. Your daughter doesn't want to go so she is not going. End of. What exactly is Organiser Mother going to do to force her? Is it an activity that needs minimum numbers? If so, not your problem!

As for Generous Mother, you may want to keep in with her re secondary school but chances are both your daughters will find new friends independent of each other anyway! She should be taking more of a stand for her own daughter if she too doesn't want to go.

RedAndGreenPlaid · 26/05/2018 10:01

Other parents are the reason so many Y6 girls fall out with one another!

The organiser is a CF, end of.
I would use seven's message in the group chat- Organiser knew DD wasn't going, so not sure why she accepted your money Generous.

Do not cave , do not send your DD. By Christmas she will have dozens of new friends. Yes, these parents will bitch and gossip about you, but they already are, mark my words!

happypoobum · 26/05/2018 10:08

OP you are being BULLIED.

Do not cave.

Tell Kind Mum that Smug Mum knew your DD wasn't going so she has taken the money under false pretences. However, from your update, it sounds like KM and SM are in this together and thought they could force you into making your DD go.

Seriously - all this drama over a stupid school trip Shock

They need to cop onto themselves. Don't pay anything, and don't engage further. Is this a Facebook or Whatsapp group? Come out of it. Life is too short to pander to gits like this.

Original poster
YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 26/05/2018 10:16

I've never said I can't afford to go. I would have paid it if she really wanted to go. Generous mother knows we go out and do other paid for stuff on weekends etc. I've never said that we're struggling to make ends meet.

They're already bitching I think. I don't usually do school run now as she walks herself. I had a late pick up last night as they'd been on a trip. I was totally blanked and ended up just standing on my own Blush

OP posts:
Fromage · 26/05/2018 10:16

Can you invite Generous Mum's dd to the dinner? That way they both avoid the party.

But under any circs, sod Bully Mum, you're dd is not going. Any hassle on this front she's getting at school, should be reported to the school. If the harrassment she's getting happens on school property, it's the school's business, even if it's over events unrelated to the school/organised by parents outside of school.

Also, tbh, I think Generous Mum has sussed it's easier to put the pressure on you and dd than do what she should do, and stand up to bully ie stand up FOR her own dd, and say sod off, my dd isn't coming.

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 10:17

They're being twats, OP. Letting her go wouldn't help now anyway, it would just make you look weak and they would despise you for that. Hold your head high and ignore them.

Jael003 · 26/05/2018 10:17

They can't tell you she's going, they can't force her to and you're the parent. This is not a compulsory school outing (and even school outings allow parents to opt out if necessary). The organiser is a cow and the mum who paid is a mug. Just ignore them, there's nothing they can do.

RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2018 10:19

I think now is the time to get the school involved.

You and your dd are being bullied.

littlegreyhare · 26/05/2018 10:20

Oh no you poor thing! Generous mum def has her own agenda too by the sound of things sadly.

Fromage · 26/05/2018 10:21

Count the weeks till that school's over, YPGF, it's the only thing you can do. Then celebrate a) the end of primary school and b) no longer having anything to do with Bully Mum.

Even though your dds are going to the same secondary, they might make new friends there, and once they're in secondary education you never has as much involvement with your children's friends' parents anyway, so don't be too worried about keeping GM sweet.

Fishface77 · 26/05/2018 10:21

They are trying to control you and your dd, nip it in the bud.
Say your dd is not going and never was. Tell them to stop trying to bully you and I agree with others, involve the school.

AllMYSmellySocks · 26/05/2018 10:25

They all sound awful and controlling. Stand your ground. The good news is primary school is almost over and in secondary there'll be much less opportunity for parents to use their children's social lives as a place to have a power struggle.

SeriousSass · 26/05/2018 10:27

Just ignore it all, don’t message anyone about it, don’t talk about and don’t even think about it! It’s not your problem. Tell your DC not to say anything other this she isn’t going and that that.

Fruitcorner123 · 26/05/2018 10:29

I agree they sound awful. Just stand firm. You musn't let your daughter down on this. what bitches (and i include "generous" mother in this)

Graphista · 26/05/2018 10:31

They're both being bullies and getting their children to be bullies too.

If pressure is being put on your dd at school op you have every reason to get the school involved there.

I'd be losing my shit with them at this point! Who the hell do they think they are?!

In group chat.

"Dd was NEVER GOING regardless of cost she never wanted to and WILL NOT be attending.

Organiser mum - you had no right to take money from someone else on MY dds behalf and if you were to keep that money, it could be seen as a fraudulent action.

Mug mum - you had no right to pay for MY dd without even consulting me.

I owe nobody anything and neither does my dd so BACK OFF!"

sparklepops123 · 26/05/2018 10:38

They've obviously turned this situation to suit themselves ( ie: talking crap) the organiser mother sounds hideous. She's pushing and pushing you, you need to tell her to fuck off. Let your daughter do what she wants. Will they be attending the same secondary school ?

Amatullah · 26/05/2018 10:40

How utterly strange..how can someone force your child to do something that they do not want to do and is possibly harmful for their wellbeing. Shes said shel feel claustrophobic so she could end up having a panic attack fuelled with anxiety of not wanting to be there in the first place. OP you need to be quite firm and send a strongly worded message on this group chat and speak for yourself and on behalf of YOUR child. Sod generous interfering mum paying for your dc, She wasn't asked nor does she understand your pov, so I wouldn't feel guilty with the wasted money. Nip it in the bud asap to stop this dragging out! X

user1483387154 · 26/05/2018 10:44

Group chat message ... there seems to have been some confusion,as previously discussed my daughter will not be attending. We have other plans.

Amatullah · 26/05/2018 10:47

Also it seems that party mums dd is the one that really wants it, they need minimum numbers and spread costs, Shes being a cf!

sunshinesupermum · 26/05/2018 10:48

Your daughter's wishes are paramount.

But I'm also intrigued as to why 'generous' mother thought she should pay without discussing it with you first! As for 'party organiser' mother, words fail me.

PorkyPortia · 26/05/2018 10:50

Dear God , I’d be laughing to their face , who do they think they are ?
Ignore them and have a lovely time with your family
Your daughter sound like a strong young lady

fuzzyfozzy · 26/05/2018 11:02

I definitely agree that generous Mum is not, she actually sounds controlling. She only paid for your daughter so her dd would have her friend with her. The money lost is up to her.