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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I fucked up?

77 replies

Gemeeny · 19/04/2018 21:43

My SIL is pregnant, she's the first of my siblings / siblings' partners to be so.

I was watching Hospital and there was an amazing story about a woman who was in hospital thinking she was having a miscarriage but she gave birth to her very premature baby on her own in the bathroom (the baby was fine in the end).

I texted the whatsapp group with my siblings and their partners about it because it was such an amazing story but now I am panicking because I'm worried it was a really insensitive thing to do given that my SIL is pregnant? I feel really stupid because I wasn't evening thinking.

The reason I am worried is she has now left that group with no comment or explanation which is really weird for her and I am terrified I've offended her.

Have I fucked up? If so what do I do?

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/04/2018 21:44

Yes, that was a bit dim, would apologise.

Amanduh · 19/04/2018 21:45

Apologise.

Original poster
Gemeeny · 19/04/2018 21:45

😭 so stupid of me because it's not like a forgot she's pregnant. It's just the kind of thing we would always have talked about before and I haven't adjusted my behaviour. Stupid stupid stupid. I'll text her separately to say sorry

OP posts:
toolonglurking · 19/04/2018 21:46

I think you should probably message her directly and apologise.

buckeejit · 19/04/2018 21:46

Yes that was insensitive. Do you normally send messages about random crap TV programs to your entire family?

I would think WTF if you sent this to me, but if I was pg, I'd be livid.

You should text her and say you're really sorry, that was really stupid.

Did you really not think about her when you sent it?

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 19/04/2018 21:47

Yes, message her privately and say you were insensitive, but you weren't thinking.

MissOrganisedMe · 19/04/2018 21:47

Yep, apology needed. My friend posted in a WhatsApp group about her SIL having a still birth when I was 30 odd weeks pregnant. I understood that she still needed the support from her friends but I cried and we had a discussion about the insensitivity. We're fine and I'm sure you will be too.

Original poster
Gemeeny · 19/04/2018 21:48

@buckeejit yeah, we text all the time about stuff, wouldn't have been at all unusual before but obvs stupid and not appropriate now

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 19/04/2018 21:50

Blush this is so something i would do. I permanantly walk round with my big toe tickling my tonsils. Text her and apologise. Just say what you've written here. Im sure she would appreciate it then all move on.

UnderTheDesk · 19/04/2018 21:52

Full and frank apology directly to her and Hopefully it’ll be ok. Good luck, OP.

HyenaHappy · 19/04/2018 21:52

Miss I do hope that the insensitivity that was discussed was yours. You cried rather than support your friend when she’s just lost her niece/nephew?

Shock

OP yes you were a bit insensitive but hopefully she’ll see that you didn’t mean anything by it and it’ll be water under the bridge really soon.

Slievenamon · 19/04/2018 21:55

Your story doesn't even make any sense, and I have no idea why you would send such a ridiculous story to anyone, let alone someone pregnant.

Blizzardagain · 19/04/2018 21:57

Missorganised - that's really not the same. Your poor friend.

Yup OP a little bit insensitive but you sound mortified and very genuine so I'm sure if you send her message she'll appreciate it.

Thirtyrock39 · 19/04/2018 21:58

Going against the thread I don't think you've done that much wrong if it is the kind of thing you'd usually message about. When I was pregnant I was surrounded by stories of unhappy endings to pregnancies and just assumed I was being a bit over sensitive

theredjellybean · 19/04/2018 22:00

A quick approach to apology saying sorry that was a bit insensitive but really OP, I would not get too worried fgs the whole world cannot tiptoe round pregnant women for fear of upsetting someone's sensitivites. She will have a very very long pregnancy if she gets upset or huffy everytime there is something on the TV, news, radio, social media or some one talks about a pregnancy or birth that wasn't txt book perfect

ChikiTIKI · 19/04/2018 22:05

I'm sure she will be ok maybe just didn't want to see discussion developing about that topic. A few people said to me after I got to 24 weeks that my baby could be born then and would be OK. Just bad small talk really but I understand sometimes people run out of things to say and didn't mean anything by it.

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 19/04/2018 22:06

I'm pregnant and I couldn't get worked up about this. The world doesn't stop just because a woman is pregnant and what happens during someone else's pregnancy has no bearing on my own.

If you SIL had actually had a miscarriage or traumatic experience like that of course it would be insensitive but she hasn't and isn't likely to. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

buckeejit · 19/04/2018 22:09

In that case, I'm sure she will forgive you. If you never normally texted about TV programmes then I'd maybe say otherwise. Just text soon and be honest. Good luck

BlueRoses28 · 19/04/2018 22:10

I don't think you've done anything wrong either. My family has a wattsapp group and we discuss all manner of shite on it, including tv shows. Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean that she has to be shielded from 'bad' stories.

HardyforTom · 19/04/2018 22:13

Your SIL shouldn't be so sensitive. You haven't fucked up, you have just been yourself. If your SIL has left the group because of that she needs to grow up and realise the world doesn't revolve around her just because she is pregnant. It's a bit unforgiving of her to treat you like that.

Juells · 19/04/2018 22:15

Christ on a bike, is nobody able to say anything when people are pregnant?

Fink · 19/04/2018 22:16

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Not only do I think that there's no need to treat pregnant women as some special breed who should be shielded from bad pregnancy news, but this wasn't even bad news: it had a happy ending. What's the problem? Yes, she may well be upset by what you posted but IMO that's her issue not yours.

GimbleInTheWabe · 19/04/2018 22:19

I agree with PPs that she's the one being over sensitive. Assuming that she's not gone through a miscarriage to your knowledge and that tv etc is the kind of stuff you usually chat about, of course. When I was pregnant all and sundry told me about their traumatic birth stories and about a friend/relative that had a miscarriage. I can't say I was thrilled to hear these stories (obviously much worse for those who have gone through them) but I just made the right noises and moved on. Unless there more to the story, it seems like she's making a mountain out of a mole hill

Eatmycheese · 19/04/2018 22:19

why Would it upset another pregnant woman? I’ve had three babies and this wouldn’t have offended me whilst pregnant. I don’t get why everyone is being so hard on you. If this sort of thing had actually happened to her with tragic consequences then I would say otherwise but as it hasn’t then I think it’s all a bit OTT.

Miss,
when I was pregnant with my three children each time I knew of someone who’d lost a baby. Not stillbirths but miscarriages, losses devastating to them all the same. How a woman gets through stillbirth I just do not know and my heart breaks for them. Each time I felt so fucking lucky that I carried all of mine to term and brought them into the world wriggling and screaming. If you could not see beyond your own experience as a pregnant woman and your pregnant world, I find that really sad. Does being pregnant render you incapable of feeling for another person’s misfortune and in this case total tragedy? I found your “we had a chat about insensitivity” really self absorbed.

Happygummibear · 19/04/2018 22:23

You need to order cotton wool in bulk to wrap everyone in it!

Geez when I was pregnant I watched all manner of hospital and emergency programmes. I didn't ask for tv to stop just cause I was pregnant. I cry alot more now since having my baby but I put that down to hormones.

That story on hospital was amazing. The strength those parents had and what the nhs did to save that baby was an incredible story to hear.

You didn't do anything wrong if this is the kind of conversation you have. Just apologise out of courtesy and that you didn't mean any offence or upset by it.

Also. Loving the hospital programme..so interesting to hear what it's like from the other side