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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I fucked up?

77 replies

Gemeeny · 19/04/2018 21:43

My SIL is pregnant, she's the first of my siblings / siblings' partners to be so.

I was watching Hospital and there was an amazing story about a woman who was in hospital thinking she was having a miscarriage but she gave birth to her very premature baby on her own in the bathroom (the baby was fine in the end).

I texted the whatsapp group with my siblings and their partners about it because it was such an amazing story but now I am panicking because I'm worried it was a really insensitive thing to do given that my SIL is pregnant? I feel really stupid because I wasn't evening thinking.

The reason I am worried is she has now left that group with no comment or explanation which is really weird for her and I am terrified I've offended her.

Have I fucked up? If so what do I do?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 19/04/2018 23:43

I think leaving the group is over dramatic and rude. If she has a problem she should just contact OP or have her partner contact and ask for those kind of things not to be mentioned.

If they have had miscarriages that you don’t know about then miscarriage stories even with happy endings could be upsetting but you didn’t know that so to leave the group in some dramatic fashion (ie with no explanation) is just designed to make you feel shit.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2018 00:17

Cant beat a passive aggressive flounce Hmm

I have 6 children. I have also had 13 losses, one of which was a twin of one of my surviving children. I almost lost the surviving twin at birth, when I too almost died.

I could get offended by many things that people say, but I dont because these stories are not about me, are not aimed at me and I know that they dont say these things to offend or upset me.

Dont mention it. Dont apologise. Dont explain. If she had a problem then she should have said something directly to you, and she didnt so she cant expect you to go chasing after her, although she probably does.

Slievenamon · 20/04/2018 00:21

You people are nuts.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2018 00:22

You people are nuts.

Well there is an informed opinion Hmm

Care to elaborate?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/04/2018 00:34

It does though. Some woman thought she was having a miscarriage but it was actually an unassisted premature birth, but the baby was fine? Doesn't even add up

How does that not add up? It’s quite obviously a very brief description of what was featured on the program and perfectly understandable.

Op I would be bemused if someone who would normally talk to me about stuff like this didn’t just because I happened to be pregnant (which I do)

Noqonterfy · 20/04/2018 00:41

Christ on a bike, is nobody able to say anything when people are pregnant?

Seems not. We all have to walk around with our mouths zipped up these days for fear of offending someone.

tabbycatbythesea · 20/04/2018 05:54

I’m pregnant at the moment, after 2 years of TTC, a lot of miscarriages including 2nd trimester losses. I’m incredibly sensitive but I wouldn’t be offended by that? Has something else upset her perhaps??

OnionKnight · 20/04/2018 06:30

You've done nothing wrong OP.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/04/2018 06:37

I’d leave the group if I had to read inane “True Life” stories on it.

Tink2007 · 20/04/2018 06:37

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all.

People get offended about anything these days. I have had two children and would not have been offended by you sending that whilst pregnant with either of them.

Fridasfridgefreezer · 20/04/2018 06:39

I’d be surprised if she left for that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2018 06:46

tabbycat
I assume not as I think that would be quite insensitive imo. I hope all goes well with your pregnancy Flowers.

bonbonlavie · 20/04/2018 07:13

Would you send something about cancer to someone who's recently been diagnosed or to someone who's been recently bereaved? I think you've been a bit thoughtless to be honest.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2018 07:20

bonbon
Pregnancy isn’t an illness or a disease I’m really struggling to follow your reasoning.

bonbonlavie · 20/04/2018 07:25

It does cause stress and in early pregnancy there is a chance of miscarriage and fear of the unknown. I just don't think sending something relating to miscarriage is the most sensitive thing to do.

brummiesue · 20/04/2018 07:38

Missorganised, I hope it was your friend who 'chatted' with you about your insensitivity? Her family would be going through hell after such a traumatic event and she prob needed support, not you behaving like a special snowflake just because you are pregnant (like millions of other people out there!!)

BanginChoons · 20/04/2018 08:00

Why are we (general we) not talking about baby loss? We need to talk about it and support each other through it. Not hide it away and pretend it doesn't happen.

bonbonlavie · 20/04/2018 08:05

bangin

I wholeheartedly agree. My miscarriage was kind of dealt with in a matter of fact way and not spoken about much after the event. However, I'm 8 months pregnant just now and I would think it strange if someone sent me a link re stillbirth and if someone had regaled me with tales of miscarriage in early pregnancy I'd have struggled to understand their reasoning. I wouldn't have been really upset...just a bit perplexed as to why they thought it appropriate

willynillypie · 20/04/2018 08:42

Look, on one hand the story you told had a happy ending so I am struggling to see the issue. This would not have upset me personally, but you could always ask if she is upset and just apologise to be nice. The issue with being pregnant is nothing to do with it being illness, but a natural concern for your unborn child. I cannot tell you how many people have told me a shitty childbirth or horror story, and I'm actually at my fucking limit for it now - I just say to people "I don't want to hear a bad labour story!" Maybe she is in a similar situation where she has just had enough, and unfortunately your very minor and inoffensive anecdote was the straw that broke the camel's back!

Happygummibear · 20/04/2018 08:48

Bonbonlavie the piece on the tv programme was not about miscarriage.

A baby was in hospital with double lung pneumonia, the mother gave the back story that the little one was born at 24 weeks. She had bleeding and pain went into hospital, went to the toilet and pushed the baby out. However the mother was saying how great the nhs is and how her baby wouldn't have survived if we didn't have a nhs.

It wasn't a sad story l, in fact it was an amazing story and to me shows how good our doctors and nurses can be in increasing the chances or survival when a baby is born early.

It's the kind of thing I would discuss with my family and I did text my husband about the same story as I thought it was incredible. Perhaps you needed to watch it to appreciate it.

BitchPeas · 20/04/2018 08:53

What a diva! If she can’t cope with a text how the bloody hell is she going to cope with motherhood. I would not apologise. And to the PP who cried because her friend told her her sibling had had a still born, words fail me, you should be ashamed of yourself.

LS83 · 20/04/2018 08:55

Bitchpeas said it perfectly. Especially to the PP re the stillbirth. Vile.

brummiesue · 20/04/2018 09:22

I really hope missorganisedme is reading the rest of this thread. Maybe she may apologise to her friend for her appalling behaviour.....

R2G · 20/04/2018 09:29

Don't text her call her

LisaSimpsonsbff · 20/04/2018 09:30

Another vote for 'pregnant and can't see the issue'. I watched a One Born Every Minute recently where a couple had previously lost their son as a newborn. Did I cry? Yes. Did I think their tragic, deeply personal story should have been censored in case it upset me as a random pregnant woman? Obviously not.

Someone once told me not to tell another friend about my miscarriage because she was newly pregnant. I actually had no intention of doing so, but I thought (and still think) that was pretty off - a) if she didn't know miscarriage in early pregnancy is common then, actually, she probably needed a gentle warning and b) if I had wanted support from this particular friend - which I didn't - then surely that was legitimate?

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