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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex and money is she a CF

91 replies

Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:15

So my DF has his children 50/50 with there mother (4 days one week and 3 the next) she claims the tax credits, child benefit and gets weekly maintenance from him as well (not much). She has now gone and got herself a job after 9 years and has sent us half the childcare costs too! We can’t afford them and I have just had to reduce my children’s childcare (am a shift worker) and get family to help me out.
Aibu to say she can bugger off and we are not paying them? She gets benefits for the child and I am assuming will get help with childcare from tax credits ( she says she may not as New partner earns). Or say split the tax credits and child benefits and then we will pay half and step the maintenance as this will break us as we seriously can’t afford this and she has given us a weeks notice to pay half as she starts in half term!

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 23/03/2018 14:19

You would be unreasonable to say anything. It’s between your partner and the kids mother to decide what isfair. I get that it affects you, but this is between them

mumgointhroughtorture · 23/03/2018 14:19

So you have the child(ren) half of the month and she keeps all the benefits AND expects him to pay maintenance too ... Wtf ! No chance . I think he needs some advice on this . That's not right .

RavenclawRealist · 23/03/2018 14:21

How will the childcare work are they just going in on the days the would have been with thier mum or on days when their dad would have had them too?

HollyBayTree · 23/03/2018 14:21

If he is paying maintenance then she picks up all associated costs. Draw a line under it.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:22

When I say to say to say something I mean to my partner as he always panders to get for fear of not seeing the children, but when it will leave us with nothing I can’t let this one go.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/03/2018 14:23

This is sadly not a one off, there are lots of cases like this.

I don’t this one is your fight but, agree she is a CF

Aprilmightmemynewname · 23/03/2018 14:23

Surely childcare in her hours is her responsibility?

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:24

She changes our days to suit her social life so last week we had them 5 days and this week 3, she now wants dad more set and 3 of the school days our set days hence why she says we should pay half. I think if we have to pay the amount of benefits should be split and any childcare costs for our half over that we would pay, plus maintenance stops!

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 14:25

why does he pay any maintenance if they each have them the same amount of time? that doesn't seem right

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:26

She hadn’t been working and had to get the kids to school by bus so it Was to cover that and a few extras for them at home

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2018 14:27

Is she mad?! She wants her ex to pay for childcare for time that is in her 50% of the residence time? Of course he shouldn’t be paying that. If he just goes ahead and pays it I’d honestly be thinking about leaving him on the grounds that he’s a martyr and a doormat.

Somerville · 23/03/2018 14:28

Of course the children's father should be paying the childcare for the days he's responsible for his children.
If he doesn't want to pay maintenance while 50/50 then he doesn't have to but I think the benefits can only be paid to one parent and not split.

SleepySheepy · 23/03/2018 14:29

Definitely need to get some advice on this, it's important that it's fair.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought if it was a 50/50 split then there would be no need to pay maintenance either way as they are both contributing the same?

Shouldn't things like child benefit be split equally as well? I might be wrong but that just seems sensible.

My initial guess would be that if it's 50/50, you guys pay for any childcare on your days and she would pay for any childcare on her days?

RavenclawRealist · 23/03/2018 14:30

So the childcare is after school club childminder ect and you will be needing to use it 3 times a week?? Then yes I think you should have to pay a share but as you said the child benifits and tax credits ect should be split and as they are 50:50 resident parents the maintenance recalculated taking all that into account

kaytee87 · 23/03/2018 14:34

Well your DH would surely pay for childcare on the days he has them would he not? What's been happening until now on those days?
He shouldn't be paying maintenance.

TheJoyOfSox · 23/03/2018 14:41

He should remind her that that is why he pays her maintenance.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 14:42

If I was your DH I wouldn't be paying maintenance, I'd deduct the child benefit and tax credits from the cost of the childcare and then pay half of the balance

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/03/2018 14:45

My brother does the 50:50 thing and neither pay the other anything. They don't have tax credits etc but if they did, it would've gone towards childcare and the difference would be split and met by both of them.

Dvg · 23/03/2018 14:45

He doesnt need to pay childcare costs no, it was her choice to go back too work... the care is already 50/50 and she claims benefits for the children and gets child maintenance so he does not need to also pay childcare unless the childcare was on his Days because he was unable to.

If i was him i would just simply tell her that he can't afford to HELP her with childcare costs on her days as he is already paying maintenance and for the cost of his days.

happy2bhomely · 23/03/2018 14:46

If your partner has his children for half of the time, then he shouldn't need to pay any maintenance surely? Assuming that he houses, clothes and feeds them and takes 50% of the responsibility for them overall.

I would assume that he would pay for any childcare that he required while he had them and their mum would pay for hers.

Dvg · 23/03/2018 14:47

That's another thing, people don't tend to pay maintenance is they have the kids half the time, They just help pay for things the kids need and for the days that they spend with them.

Springnowplease · 23/03/2018 14:47

I don't understand why he's paying her anything. Tell her to jog on.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:48

Trinity66 that’s what I think should happen I think we should deduct a the benefits she receives from the childcare bill and then any short fall should them be split 50/50 and no maintenance paid

OP posts:
Oswin · 23/03/2018 14:51

Who looks after the children on his days.

InBlackwaterWoods · 23/03/2018 14:51

She's a CF. but its between your partner and his ex.

FWIW, We have 50/50 of DH's dc also and pay NO maintenance. DH and ex used to split child benefit, but since she had another child, she keeps it all.
Thats fine, it works for us. more importantly it works for their DC.
See if your OH would seek legal advice if hes not sure.