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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex and money is she a CF

91 replies

Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:15

So my DF has his children 50/50 with there mother (4 days one week and 3 the next) she claims the tax credits, child benefit and gets weekly maintenance from him as well (not much). She has now gone and got herself a job after 9 years and has sent us half the childcare costs too! We can’t afford them and I have just had to reduce my children’s childcare (am a shift worker) and get family to help me out.
Aibu to say she can bugger off and we are not paying them? She gets benefits for the child and I am assuming will get help with childcare from tax credits ( she says she may not as New partner earns). Or say split the tax credits and child benefits and then we will pay half and step the maintenance as this will break us as we seriously can’t afford this and she has given us a weeks notice to pay half as she starts in half term!

OP posts:
SweetEnough · 23/03/2018 17:36

Emboo19 We don't get on well at all but we manage 50/50 as close as damn it.

For example: we buy uniform, shoes etc for our days and she does hers. We pay for school trips/non uniform on our days and she does hers (big residential trips are 50/50 or they can't go).

I suppose like you said, that although she is the resident parent there are little costs we pay she doesn't, its always dp who gets their hair cut but why quibble over a few quid every couple of months.

Other than that I can't think of anything else that isn't 50/50, granted she gets more non uniform days but we get more trips so it evens out.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/03/2018 17:37

The fairest thing to do is cancel the maintenance and each parent claims for one child. Then each parent pays full childcare for the child they are claiming for or split childcare bill by 2.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/03/2018 17:39

Tax credits are means tested so Dad wouldn't necessarily get the same amount as mum if he claimed.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 17:42

But why should she suddenly change the days to suit her and reduce her childcare bill and increase ours as the days were fine until job offer? We both work full time too and I have children so all our activities and my shift requests have been around those set days but now it suits her and saved her money we should just accept that?
She also told us she was getting a part time job next year and has given us a weeks notice till she starts and wants to secure childcare today- we don’t just have money sitting around!

OP posts:
jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/03/2018 17:46

She needs to explain what percentage is paid for by the government. If it's £500 per month and she gets £300 per month from the government then you should pay £100 each (offset by Dad claiming for a child) If it's £800 and government pays £300 then each parent should pay £250 (with each parent claiming for a child and no maintenance)

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/03/2018 17:52

If your household claims for 2 + kids already, you wouldn't get benefits for your h's kids as it would be a new claim and 2 kid limit applies.
I understand not having money to suddenly give and wouldn't hand over any until maintenance stopped and I knew more about the setting, how much her childcare element of tax credits was and if the place was competitively priced etc

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 17:55

The 2+ child rule only applies to children born after 1st April 2017

OP posts:
LukeCagesWife · 23/03/2018 18:13

Oh, were you already paying childcare for the Thur/Fri and now have to add the Wed? Sorry I don’t understand what 50% she is asking for? 50% in total, which shouldn’t be much more than you are already paying or 50% of her days which would be a pisstake.

A weeks notice is shitty. Had she even confirmed spare places? Do they start after Easter?

Could you shift hours around so you or partner could collect on those days to save on your own children’s childcare too?

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 18:25

My job do the rota 6 weeks in advance and I have only just started as have been at uni for the last 3 years so still having a lot of training days etc that can not be changed. DF rota is fixed and no room for change either she starts a week Monday!
She messaged to ask if I can have them all the second week days in half term as it’s her first week! No I am working to which she responded couldn’t I take a day or 2 sick the DF do the same, no I can’t you CF and the fact you have given us a weeks notice is your issue- and if we are not in work we don’t get paid

OP posts:
Babyplaymat · 23/03/2018 18:34

You have half the responsibility for half term surely?

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 18:45

Yes we have responsibility on our days but she wants us to have them the whole week and miss work as she is starting her job so instead of taking them back Sunday evening keep them till The following Saturday morning

OP posts:
jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/03/2018 18:55

Sorry about the mistake in the 2+ child rule Blush

The short notice is beyond cheeky. She can ask her ex (and he can say no) but asking you to take time off is out of order. Most jobs wouldn't allow time off with so little notice.

She needs to be upfront with how much she gets from the government for childcare. I think that you owe maximum 50% of that balance and no maintenance plus you get the claim for one child if there's two kids with his ex.

LukeCagesWife · 23/03/2018 18:58

She definitely should not be asking you to call in sick etc. When did she find out she had the job, surely it’s been more than a week and I don’t understand why she hadn’t discussed childcare on a Wed before securing the role.

Ok - so it sounds as if your schedules are set for the next 6 weeks, is there any leeway as that’s 6 weeks or so of x2 days of childcare (Thur/Fri) that you already paid for anyway?

LukeCagesWife · 23/03/2018 19:00

I agree with Jamie and other posters, your share of the childcare should be half of the retainer after relevant tax credits.

You might save cash that way no? As the TC will be for a portion of all 5 days of which three (potentially) will be yours whereas you pay 2 days now with no assistance.

If 50:50 I don’t see the need for maintenance.

Chattymummyhere · 23/03/2018 19:10

So you don’t want the children Wednesday? But don’t see how it’s unfair she get no weekend days.

No you shouldn’t be taking a full week off though to fix her childcare problems.

VivaKondo · 23/03/2018 19:28

Her latest request just shows how a CF she is.
She basically git a job and never bothered to think about what she would do with her dcs and how/who wouod pay for the childcare.
So she is expecting her ex to jump to the rescue.
I suspect your DF has been too kind until now (or has let her walk all over him) so she is very used to get whatever she is asking for. Even if it’s crazy.

You will have to learn to say NO.

As for you telling work you are ill so she can start her job wo be8ng bothered by childcare....
I would be very careful or agreeing and then seeing her basically giving you the dcs full time (whilst claiming care is still 50/50)

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