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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex and money is she a CF

91 replies

Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:15

So my DF has his children 50/50 with there mother (4 days one week and 3 the next) she claims the tax credits, child benefit and gets weekly maintenance from him as well (not much). She has now gone and got herself a job after 9 years and has sent us half the childcare costs too! We can’t afford them and I have just had to reduce my children’s childcare (am a shift worker) and get family to help me out.
Aibu to say she can bugger off and we are not paying them? She gets benefits for the child and I am assuming will get help with childcare from tax credits ( she says she may not as New partner earns). Or say split the tax credits and child benefits and then we will pay half and step the maintenance as this will break us as we seriously can’t afford this and she has given us a weeks notice to pay half as she starts in half term!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:52

He was only paying maintenance as she hadn’t ever worked and was struggling and as I said it’s not a large amount. Now she is now working I think that needs to stop, we of course buy the kids clothes, uniform, shoes etc and take them on holiday etc.
It’s also annoyed me that on our 4 day week for the last 4 months we had them thurs, Fri, sat and Sun and but she wants that changed to wed, thur, fri, sat so we have 3 school days and hence need to pay for 3 lots of childcare

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 23/03/2018 14:52

is the amount he pays in maintenance as suggested on the CMS website? If it is, then it should be expected that he pay childcare costs on the days he has them.

If she’s claiming working tax credit for childcare costs I’d assume it would be 50% of what is left to pay.

If your partner doesn’t want to pay the childcare costs on the days he has them I’d expect him to arrange something else eg look after them himself, get family involved etc.

TempusFugitive · 23/03/2018 14:53

If she's been out of the work place for nine years her earning potential is probably really low.

Also, hang on, if she's been out of the work place for NINE YEARS, how old are the children and how much can the childcare costs possibly be!?

I was out of the workplace for a similar length of time so now I'm back I just leave the kids at home for a few hours in between school and the end of work.

Oswin · 23/03/2018 14:53

Yeah you would be right if its actualy 50/50 but is she doing the day care in the week with you just having the nights. Otherwise how have you not used childcare for them.

dangermouseisace · 23/03/2018 14:53

I’d also get a set day pattern set up so that it’s every other weekend etc...no messing around.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 14:58

I work shifts so have been helping with them, my DF works a rolling shift partner so gets days off in the week and every 3rd week gets a 5 day weekend but she saying she won’t accommodate this anymore and we have to pay for childcare every day of the week. We have only just moved to every other weekend as for the last 6 months we had them every weekend

OP posts:
TempusFugitive · 23/03/2018 15:00

A lot of it comes down to lifestyle though. Maybe your x doesn't grudge the money?!

My kids Dad is a ''professional'' and has a good salary and when I couldn't earn enough to run a separate household and pay for childcare for two, I ended up taking 10 years out of the workplace. Not really my choice although I'm sure plenty decided it was laziness. Pretty hard to get back in to it as well it was too.

I'd advise asking yourself really honestly if being a mother cost her more than fatherhood has cost your husband? Has she sacrificed more in terms of pension, savings, career (well obviously), freedom.

This has been the case with me and my x. I was cornered in to being a sahm so obviously parenthood scuppered me but hardly touched him really. Luckily though my x, doesn't seem to want one child growing up like Little Lord Fauntleroy while the first two live scrimp and save.

TempusFugitive · 23/03/2018 15:01

The benefit of her NOT working was that previously she could accommodate shift work patterns.

Now she has a job and your partner works shifts, the childcare sounds essential

ohreallyohreallyoh · 23/03/2018 15:03

she claims the tax credits, child benefit and gets weekly maintenance from him as well (not much)

This is so disingenuous. There is no set amount per child to claim. Tax credits are means-tested. Would your family be able to claim them if she didn’t? Presumably she previously wasn’t working so her claiming made sense, rather than your partner. She now has a job and a partner so may no longer be eligible in the way that she was. In fact, she may find herself no better off, particularly when childcare is taken into account. She is responsible for childcare on her time, that much I will concede but if that changes from one to week, she will need to pay for childcare she isn’t using to keep the space open. That poses a problem in terms of responsibility for payment. Regularising contact so there is no ambiguity as to who’s day it is would help.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 15:08

That’s why I think she should what help she is entitled to then deduct that from the childcare bill and the remainder is split 50/50 but on the understanding we won’t pay maintenance as well as we have them 50% of the time. We physically can not pay half the full amount plus maintenance as we don’t earn enough

OP posts:
SweetEnough · 23/03/2018 15:09

Have I read it correctly, she wants to change the days you have them so she pays less for childcare, meaning you pay more as you'll have to use childcare while you and your dp are working on your days?

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 15:10

Trinity66 that’s what I think should happen I think we should deduct a the benefits she receives from the childcare bill and then any short fall should them be split 50/50 and no maintenance paid

That seems to me like the most fair solution.

Lobsterface · 23/03/2018 15:13

It’s not as straight forward as your OP implies though.
Yes, you’re responsible for childcare on your days if it is required - a 50/50 split of this sees you better off as you’ll actually have them 60/40 of the working week.
Are the days set by court order? It doesn’t sound like your DH should be paying maintenance though If it is truely 50/50.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 23/03/2018 15:16

Why on Earth is he paying maintenance if he has the children 50% of the time. Stop that right now. Surely he should get 50% of the child benefit! Plus, no way do you have to pay for childcare.

Somerville · 23/03/2018 15:28

It’s also annoyed me that on our 4 day week for the last 4 months we had them thurs, Fri, sat and Sun

Whilst she didn't work, she was happy for you to have the kids all weekend, as she got to spend time with them for her half of the week. But now she returning to work she wants to have herself half the weekend, so she can spend time with them too. It's very straightforward and I don't see your issue.
Your partner might decide that now she's in work and unable to facilitate his contact fitting with his shift pattern, he doesn't want to pay maintenance any more. Since they have the kids 50/50 that sounds fair enough. But he will need to pay childcare either for the days he needs to use it, or split down the middle with his ex.

BreconBeBuggered · 23/03/2018 15:33

Seems to me that expenses like uniform, shoes etc should be shared. Unless the ex's household income is significantly smaller than yours, I can't see why your DH should be paying towards day-to-day costs like food and housing when his DC are with him half the time. However this does mean that he has to come up with his share of childcare expenses. The ex can't have it both ways, but neither can your DH.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 15:36

It’s also annoyed me that on our 4 day week for the last 4 months we had them thurs, Fri, sat and Sun and but she wants that changed to wed, thur, fri, sat so we have 3 school days and hence need to pay for 3 lots of childcare

That's why it should be split in half minus the child benefit and tax credits so no one is "caught" for childcare, they both work so both need to pay towards the child care

Whatshallidonowpeople · 23/03/2018 15:38

Yabu to type " there mother "

SweetEnough · 23/03/2018 15:45

We have a similar set up to you (dp's ex claims benefits for his 2 dc, we get nothing), we no longer pay maintenance as 50/50 after doing so for a year (that went down like a lead balloon) and we work around the kids as our employers are flexible so have no childcare costs for our days.

I do not know if dp's ex pays for childcare on her time, we definitely wouldn't expect to pay anything towards it, or her ours if we needed to.

If she wanted to change the days I'd be looking into mediation to put something formal in place, as she could decide in six months to change her mind again. It needs to be balanced in the best interests of the children and neither parents favour, but the lesser of two evils for both parties.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 15:50

To be honest if we have to pay childcare on top of what we do know he would have to give up work as we physically don’t have the money so it’s not as if we are can afford it we literally can’t pay it as she is saying it’s an additional 500.00 a month so even 50% would be 250 and we don’t have that

OP posts:
hairycoo · 23/03/2018 15:53

Whatshallidonowpeople YABU, who made you grammar police?

OP YANBU, and dhexw is being CF. I understand letting her claim tc and benefits whilst she was not working but I think people need to realise that was a courtesy from your dh. She wasnt entitled to all of it, only half and if there are two dc, she could have claimed for one and you and dh could have claimed for the other (although this may have meant less income for dhexw). Giving her maintenance on top of that was also imo a generous offer by your dh, given that he has them half the time. Also I would be asking to see her childcare bill (I cant understand how it can be that much if the children are at least 9), and then how much of that is paid by tax credits. I think it does involve you (even if you dont communicate with dhexw directly) it does affect you and dh, so not a decision he gets to make alone. This is not mandatory maintenance(which dhexw isnt entitled to anyway, does she pay dh maintenance for the 50% of the time he has the children?) , this is over and above that, and if you cant afford it, Id be telling the dhexw to beat it.

Allthewaves · 23/03/2018 15:57

Imo

he shouldn't pay maintenance but he should pay half childcare.

she may not be getting tax credits for childcare if she is over the threshold so you can't count that.

Child benefit should be split

Can your partner claim childcare vouchers

hairycoo · 23/03/2018 15:58

Sorry if i have missed it, but how many children does your dh have with his ex and how old are they? Also do you and dh use the childcare on the days that you have the children or have yous not needed to use it?

Original poster
Mar1984 · 23/03/2018 15:59

Apologise for grammatical mistakes but unfortunately I am badly dyslexic!!

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 23/03/2018 16:00

Or you arrange to have them set days and organise your own childcare on those days

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