Partners ex and money is she a CF

[Mar1984]

So my DF has his children 50/50 with there mother (4 days one week and 3 the next) she claims the tax credits, child benefit and gets weekly maintenance from him as well (not much). She has now gone and got herself a job after 9 years and has sent us half the childcare costs too! We can’t afford them and I have just had to reduce my children’s childcare (am a shift worker) and get family to help me out.
Aibu to say she can bugger off and we are not paying them? She gets benefits for the child and I am assuming will get help with childcare from tax credits ( she says she may not as New partner earns). Or say split the tax credits and child benefits and then we will pay half and step the maintenance as this will break us as we seriously can’t afford this and she has given us a weeks notice to pay half as she starts in half term!

she may not be getting tax credits for childcare if she is over the threshold so you can't count that. but equally she may be, and it would be prudent to ask. Tbh if you really cant afford it, id be tempted to tell her that you will pay for half the childcare (after seeing the bills) but will be claiming half the tc and cb (easily achievable if there is an even amount of children).

The children are 4 and 8, we would need childcare but not every day so my children go to after school club and we give a months notice for the days we need but his ex wants it booked every single day and wouldn’t allow that’s suggestion

My other thought would be to ask if she qualifies at all for tc anymore? If she doesn't than your dp could ask to claim

You said she wants set days. Surely dp set days then it's up to him to sort childcare of his choice

She is being a cf.

Id suggest you offer to pay for the days that you and dh use the childcare, and that if she wants to book over and above this then that is her lookout, and her financial responsibility. If she gets shirty then Id be telling dh to mention equally splitting tc and cb. And Id be stopping the maintenance as well regardless.

Going the child maintenance agency (or whatever they are called now) even with a 50:50 split non-resident parent would be expected to pay the "main" parent maintenance...I don't understand it but it is what it is

Well the logical thing is for you to pay for childcare independently. If you have the children on Wed, Thurs & Fri, you take full responsibility for childcare on those days and ensure you can cover those days whenever necessary, whether you book each week or have a more ad hoc arrangement. If you can't get childcare when you need it, that is your problem and not hers. She should have exactly the same approach, allowing her to book a permanent place if she wants the security.

@amy85 but how do they figure out who the non resident parent is when the children spend an equal amount of time with both parents?

Agree to the set days, stop paying the maintenance and then pay for any childcare you need on your days. There might be some negotiation for deciding which set days.

If you want to keep the rolling pattern of only having the children when you don't need childcare then at a minimum he needs to be responsible for dealing with the mental load and being the one to book/cancel the childcare with the correct notice.

You need fixed days that will NOT change.
She pays childcare when they are with her, you pay when they are with you.
Stop maintenance as the care is 50/50.
Review the child benefit.
Check if you can have tax credit for yourself.

The fact she can’t get tax credit because of her partner is not your problem.
Hav8ng the children in childcare everyday if it’s not necessary shouldn’t happne if you and her !! Don’t have the money.

kaytee87 I think I'm right in saying, that ridiculously the parent who receives the child benefit is deemed as the resident parent!

That being said, afaik they would review it, if you appeal due to the fact that you have 50/50 shared care.

@kaytee87 I'm assuming the parent that gets the child benefit would be classed as the main parent and the other the non-resident parent

It's baffling I know

If she doesn’t think she’ll get tax credits for childcare, isn’t it likely she’s not getting tax credits at all? I thought the childcare threshold was slightly higher.
Do you get tax credits for your children’s childcare?

I think you obviously need to review things now she’s working, was she doing drop and pick ups on your days when she wasn’t working? If so I think him paying maintenance was fair.
Now if you split everything 50/50 clothing, school dinners, trips, activities, then I don’t think he should be paying maintenance. Childcare should be a case of you arrange it on your days and she arranges it for hers.

Although personally I don’t think you’d ever really get a proper 50/50 split as there will no doubt be one parent who ends up buying more of the little extras or disagreements over school trips, after school activities and the all that stuff. I think maybe if you got on very well it would work and if neither parent were too picky over who buys what and when.

She is indeed a CF!

You say your partner panders to her in fear of not seeing the children. I can guarantee she won't stop him seeing the kids, she'd then be responsible for looking for childcare 5 days.

And stop paying her maintenance and dictating everything to you both.

We have literally be buying most things as she hasn’t been working so all school uniform, shoes, coats, clothes, haircuts etc while she goes out gets her nails done, oats gym membership, 2 mobile phoned on contract! So if we have to pay she will have to start paying her 50% share of everything else. We get a tiny amount of tax credits and in the nicest possible way after 10 years not working I can’t see her being in a particularly high paid job but she says she won’t tell us what she gets from them

She's not asking you to pay her childcare though is she,she's just not providing childcare while he works any more so you will have to pay it?

Is the 4 year old in school full time? If so before that did his ex have the younger one through the day when he worked?

in the nicest possible way after 10 years not working I can’t see her being in a particularly high paid job but she says she won’t tell us what she gets from them

In the nicest possible way if you and your partner are both working full time or one full and one part time, but still getting some form of tax credits. You aren’t in particular high paid jobs either!

The 4 year old is in school full time before that DF dad had him on DF days in the week but unfortunately he has become very ill following a series of strokes so that’s not an option

I never said I was in a high paid job and the fact I have said we literally can’t afford this as we don’t have it shows that

I can see why she’s now wants a weekend day now she’s working why should she get all school days. She should put the children in after school on her days and pay for it and then what you do for childcare on your df days is up to him.

So you now have the kids every other Wed + Thurs/Fri/Sat each week? is that correct?

If so I think that there is perhaps a discussion to be had about Wed as perhaps consistency for the kids - particulary the 4 yr old is important, maybe this should be booked in and split 50/50 - or covered by the Child Benefit (£34.40 per week for 2 kids should cover 1 day?).

But I would say that Thursday and Friday are down to your DH and ExW cannot force childcare on those days - providing that your DH consistently arranges for them to be taken to and collected from school either himself/by you or childcare that he (or you) arranges & pays for.

I would probably forget the tax credits as you cannot force her to share that information as it will also potentially reveal her and her partners salary. With 2 people working as you know it is not going to be very much anyway BUT I would also ditch the maintenance payment as if you have the kids 50/50 it is not required/enforcable.

I would also seek to get all this written down in some form of agreement so that there is consistency for the kids and you all know where you stand, especially if things are likely to change again.

My ex & I are our son 50/50 & split everything 50/50 so no one pays any maintenance & all benefits are split equally & all bills are split equally. This is what I’d be suggesting in your position.

OP, your DH previously had the children on Thur and Fri do what we’re tte childcare arrangements on those days? Can they continue? From what I gather the only change is that now he will have them on Wed as well?

Is Mum working full time Mon-Fri?
If shift can this be resolved amicably with flexibility on both sides?