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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset and let down by my sister

81 replies

Timetochange72 · 19/03/2018 20:16

My sisters dp is so horrible to her, he calls her all sorts of names from cunt, bitch, whore, saggy tits etc. He makes her repeat things like ‘I am a cunt’ and she does 😞, He threatens to have affairs, throws his dinner in the bin because it’s not good enough for him. Complains he doesn’t get enough sex or blow jobs and jokes that her 20 year old daughter will sort him out 😳. I could go on and on but one day after 8 years when she told me his latest nasty words I text him and told him to please stop treating her like this and I’m worried about her. It wasn’t the greatest thing to do because now she feels I’ve betrayed her and all it’s done is pushed further away into his controlling arms.
Our dad died last year and our mum quite a few years ago so really she is my only family. I am getting married this year and she hasn’t spoke to me in 3 months and she sent her rsvp back as declining the invite so she’s not coming, but tbh even when we were speaking she wasn’t interested in my wedding at all. I think there’s a bit of jealousy there too.

I know she feels let down but I was truly concerned for her and now she completely turned her back on me and I have to get married without her there . Is she being selfish or have I only got myself to blame?

OP posts:

Callamia · 19/03/2018 20:20

Hold on what? Your sister is married to an abusive bully, and she’s the bad guy here? Have you considered that she’s not allowed to come to your wedding? Have you considered that she’s lonely, miserable and scared? Because I’m guessing she’s not spending everyday delighting in how great her relationship is.

She needs friends and support more than ever. She needs to get away from him.

Spam88 · 19/03/2018 20:22

I appreciate you were trying to look out for her, but your text probably escalated things because now he knows she's been telling people about the abuse. I'd imagine he's made her cut contact :(

Ariesgirl1988 · 19/03/2018 20:23

I can understand why you texted her dp this as you were defending your sister however she probably got a whole heap of abuse over it. Secondly her DP is an abusive cunt! and you sister not coming to your wedding probably isn't jealous its most likely to do with her partner. It sounds to me like she's been so badly abused by him she doesn't have the will to go against him and you sending that text not only betrayed her trust but as I said probs resulted in him abusing her more. At the very least it text her and say you're sorry for what you did and if she ever wants to talk or needs any help and support you will be waiting for her no matter what. Hopefully she will leave him but its her choice to do so and as her sister you can only be there for her even if she wants to just vent.

sourpatchkid · 19/03/2018 20:25

Didn't you post about this at the time and everyone then said she was being abused and you did the wrong thing?

Anyway, she is being abused - you did the wrong thing in texting and she's cut you out now because she is being abused

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/03/2018 20:25

Yeah he will have punished her severely for that . So she has been forbidden

Op read up a bit about abusive relationships . Then reach out an olive branch and let her know you are there for her . I am so sorry as to lose your family and then your sister to this absaloute devil of a man is horrible

I feel for her and I think you must do some reading up x

MrsXx4 · 19/03/2018 20:28

You thought you were doing right but what you did by texting him was careless and potentially dangerous for her. She felt safe to speak to you and now she can’t because she probably got into a whole world of trouble for your text. Your wedding should be the last thing on your mind about this whole situation. You need to reach out to your sister and make sure she is ok.

Arapaima · 19/03/2018 20:37

Make sure your sister knows you’re there for her when/if she needs you, OP.

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 19/03/2018 20:38

Ok yeh I’m a crap sister, I’ve made it worse for her yes all those things I know, and yes she has to leave when she’s ready and yes she knows I’m here to help her, give her place to stay I’ve told her over and over again. But she’s not ready so I have to let her get on with it but just for a minute think what it’s like to be on the other side, I listen daily to things he says to her, I try to help but she won’t listen, she’s never ready to listen, she calls me on the way to work, on the school run in the middle of the night. I was there for her, I would see him at events and pretend along with her everything was ok and I know nothing, but at some point when it’s your family member your going to crack. At the time I wanted to stand up to him because I love her wanted to be there but yeh later on you realise oh shit that’s not helped but just imagine it your own sister, it’s alright saying I’ve cocked up im stupid etc but try being in the situation.

I didn’t come to be criticised I did ask for opinions and that’s what I got I guess but I’m sorry I’m feeling sorry for myself as I can’t now help her, I have no family and I’m grieving for my dad. It’s a really horrible time for everyone

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 19/03/2018 20:39

Your sister is at least emotionally abused,possibly financially and physically too.
I get why you texted,but that has put her in a very dangerous situation and made you the enemy for both of them.

Odds are she was made to cut you off and her absence at the wedding has nothing to do with jealousy ans a lot to do with how controlling he is.

I'd try to reach out,apologise and let her know I'd always be there for whatever she needs.

KERALA1 · 19/03/2018 20:53

Op I would probably have done the same. How awful for you especially if she tells you the horrific details then does nothing to change her situation. Her poor dd too. But if she is buying into it what can you do. Your op describing him made me feel abit sick.

CoolCarrie · 19/03/2018 20:56

Your sister needs to protect herself and her daughter and leave, or kick the bastard out! Either way she needs to know that you love her and will be there for her, but getting away from him is the most important thing.
You have been a good sister to her.

1frenchfoodie · 19/03/2018 21:02

It is frustrating and heartbreaking for you to hear second hand what he says. But she lives it every day and you must know texting him was never going to resolve this. She may now be scared to be in touch, I don't think - from what you have said - that she is bahaving selfishly. All you can do is reach out and say you are still there for her. If she is not interested in your wedding try to cut her some slack, this is a hellish relationship she is in.

StillMe1 · 19/03/2018 21:02

I have been in a similar position to the OP. It is extremely difficult to keep the mouth shut. I have had a narc cocklodger for a H. I was on the watch already. DFR (Dear Female Relative) took up with an abusive partner after I got rid of my freeloader. DFR's partner was abusive to all the family trying to get money for drugs and drink. I had to see DFR with black eyes bruises and bald patches in her hair and try to keep my mouth down (a bit). The partner hit me, huge mistake, I hit him straight back but DFR said I was not to hit him again. Where was don't hit a female from DFR's mouth.
Looking at where all that lead to I don't think keeping the mouth shut is the way to go. I don't know what is but it served no purpose and allowed a lot of people to be hit and abused because no-one stood up to him.
I don't think you did anything wrong by standing up to a bully.

RebelRogue · 19/03/2018 21:09

@Timetochange72 I think you had the replies you had because you mentioned jealousy and selfishness as reason for your sister's estrangement.
I guess even you know deep down that's not the case but it hurts too much to accept she's being abused and controlled to such a level and there's nothing you can do about it.

anneoneill · 19/03/2018 21:09

This reply has been deleted

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Cindie943811A · 19/03/2018 21:12

It can take many years for abused women to leave. For a start, self confidence is at rock bottom. Bullies like her partner try to isolate the abused. You have fallen into his trap. Just tell her you are there, that you will not contact him again and hope you have not made her situation more difficult. However he may well have deprived her of her phone now.
Supporting you with your wedding is most likely beyond her ability no matter how much she’d like to. She was probably aware from the outset that she would not be able to attend and hence her lack of interest.

Ariesgirl1988 · 19/03/2018 21:13

@Timetochange72

I know its frustrating and very upsetting listening to it all and I do feel for you I've done something similar, I stood up for a friend who's ex abused her in front of me and I went nuts and called him out, anyway the fall out was I lost a friend for a year until she left him and we patched it up. Sadly at this point all you can really do is just let her know you'll be waiting to help her if she wants it but you can't make her leave I learned from experience that repeatedly telling them to leave is futile as they're so badly mentally beaten down they can't see a way out because they're so scared of the consequences.

ThinkingOfCeline · 19/03/2018 21:14

Didn't this happen on the last thread? By that I mean you posted the above story, some posters went all in (because some feel they can in AIBU) and you got quite upset and defensive? In the kindest way, possibly future threads about this could be in another area to avoid it.

It's hard watching someone be abused and be unable to step in. You know you've made mistakes. Your sister is in an abusive relationship so no, it doesn't sound as though she's being selfish. Don't blame yourself either, her partner is the poison here. All you can do is be supportive and open to her.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 21:15

she hasn’t spoke to me in 3 months and she sent her rsvp back as declining the invite so she’s not coming

She probably not allowed to

PrizeOik · 19/03/2018 21:16

I assume you texted him out of frustration that your sister wouldn't listen to you. That was incredibly selfish of you - your irritation / sense of powerlessness IS NOT more important than her physical safety.

There are consequences to every action, her distancing herself from you is a natural reaction, she is clearly afraid of this man and you've made her life more dangerous now. How on earth could she trust you in future?

You've literally made it more difficult for her to leave him now. Sorry but your wedding etc really isn't the most important thing here. I feel so sorry for your sister.

I think there’s a bit of jealousy there too

Honestly what the fuck is wrong with you. You're sneering that your dreadfully abused sister is jealous that you are getting married. Where is your empathy?

Give your head a shake and make better choices in future. I'd start by going back to your sister groveling for her forgiveness tbh.

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 19/03/2018 21:20

She may be with an abusive partner and her life is shit etc but I’ve known her a long time she is a very jealous person, just because she is being abused doesn’t make her faultless you know. This is my second marriage and she didn’t come to my first wedding either and she wasn’t in an abusive relationship then! I have told her I’m here whenever she needs me and she knows she has somewhere to go if she wants, I’ve sent her all relevant numbers of professional people to help. I have been in a abusive relationship myself, I had no one to help and 2 young dcs. I actually wanted someone to stand up for me but no one did. My sister was happy at the time and busy and I remember her saying if your not happy leave. I did eventually after he threw me on the floor cos he wanted to sit on the chair I was sitting on and many other things. I used various authorities to help me and I moved house. The difference was though I wanted to, she’s not ready. I do feel for her, sometimes I want to hug her but sometimes I want to shake her. I know she’s lost all her confidence and I know the problem is ‘him’ but it’s hard when you’ve lost your only sister and my dcs have lost an auntie, sometimes just sometimes you can’t help feeling let down by them. I’m not sure you can understand that until your in the situation.

OP posts:

frigginell · 19/03/2018 21:23

I have been in your position a number of times, and no, not everybody 'breaks'. I'm sorry, but you did a wrong (and dangerous) thing and you showed your sister that she can't trust you with the extremely complex and delicate situation she's in. Your actions effectively made it impossible for her to carry on having a relationship with you at the same time as her partner. You would be reasonable to feel extremely upset and worried about the situation, but yabu to think that this is an example of your sister letting you down.

CrazyDaze1 · 19/03/2018 21:24

O/P - you mention that your sister has a 20 year old daughter and from the horrible comment your B-i-l made I guess she is his step-daughter? (I bloody well hope so).

Are you in contact with your niece? Can you ask her about her mum? Are you inviting your niece to your wedding?

WomanWithAltitude · 19/03/2018 21:26

Your text may have put her in a dangerous position, her DP is clearly very abusive! He may have reacted violently when he found out (from you) that she was telling people about his behaviour.

For her sake, please try to build bridges. And never, ever tell him about anything she has said to you again. She is the victim here, and she needs help and support.

WomanWithAltitude · 19/03/2018 21:27

I actually wanted someone to stand up for me but no one did. My sister was happy at the time and busy and I remember her saying if your not happy leave

Her advice was good.

Someone texting your partner to tell him that you were telling them about the abuse would have been really unhelpful.

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