To feel upset and let down by my sister

[Timetochange72]

My sisters dp is so horrible to her, he calls her all sorts of names from cunt, bitch, whore, saggy tits etc. He makes her repeat things like ‘I am a cunt’ and she does 😞, He threatens to have affairs, throws his dinner in the bin because it’s not good enough for him. Complains he doesn’t get enough sex or blow jobs and jokes that her 20 year old daughter will sort him out 😳. I could go on and on but one day after 8 years when she told me his latest nasty words I text him and told him to please stop treating her like this and I’m worried about her. It wasn’t the greatest thing to do because now she feels I’ve betrayed her and all it’s done is pushed further away into his controlling arms.
Our dad died last year and our mum quite a few years ago so really she is my only family. I am getting married this year and she hasn’t spoke to me in 3 months and she sent her rsvp back as declining the invite so she’s not coming, but tbh even when we were speaking she wasn’t interested in my wedding at all. I think there’s a bit of jealousy there too.

I know she feels let down but I was truly concerned for her and now she completely turned her back on me and I have to get married without her there . Is she being selfish or have I only got myself to blame?

Sounds like you feel she’s letting herself down more than anyone.
What would she say if her 20yr old DD came to her and said “Mum, my DP says/does this to me. Do you think I deserve it?”. It’s the example she’s setting her DD that it is okay, and it’s not.

@Timetochange72 if she's such a shit person then why are you so sad that she's not speaking to you?

The only way all your emotions about this add up, are if you think your sister is so objectionable that she should be grateful you even bother with her. So you're affronted that she dares to exercise natural consequences with you after you wade in and contact her abusive partner to tell him to stop abusing her.

It just beggars belief that anyone who professes to love their sister, would put her in such horrific danger and then whine that the sister has cut contact! Honestly what did you think was going to happen?

I guess if you think she's a bad person anyway, it would make sense that you'd put her in harms way?

She hasn't let you down. YOU let her down, spectacularly. Being angry with HER for what you've done is just beyond the pale.

Yeh I am in contact with my niece, she seems to think everything is ok, but then she’s hardly there she’s out with her friends etc. I’ve encouraged her to stay in touch with my dd and also encouraged her to contact me if anything happens, she is glad I said something as she wanted someone to stand up to him, but says her mum is blinded by him and thinks it’s her last chance of having a relationship. She’s not so sure it was a good idea now though the same as me.

Yes I’m the shit person I know !

Agree with PrizeOik. What the op did is giving me actual shivers down my spine. It isn't something I would consider doing to my worst enemy, never mind my sister.

Bloody hell I thought this was a place to come for support, never mind. I know I’m a shit person yes. Goodbye i’ll Let you carry on slagging me off!

Okay. Cross-posted there. Sorry, my prev comment sounds like an attack. There's nothing you can do to change it now, so there's no point in me bashing you for it.

@Timetochange72

As for the jealousy well it wouldn't surprise me if she was her life is as you said shit. But most likely her "dp" won't allow her to go to your wedding. It sounds like you've done everything to help but as I was once told and its harsh but also true "You can't help someone unless they help themselves first" you've exhausted all avenues and she hasn't reached out so really all you can do at this point is just be there waiting until she wants to get in contact. I agree with previous poster have you spoken to your niece about the situation? maybe let her know to tell her mum you'll be waiting if she ever wants help

And again! Apologies!

I remember a similar thread a few months back - was this you? Unfortunately, you've probably not helped things even though your intentions were good.

If someone came on here saying they'd just beaten their DP but it was the DP's fault and they feel so let down by them, would you post a supportive comment? Because you should "support" them no matter what? Honest question.

You did something so horrendous to your sister. Your actions could contribute to her being literally killed by her partner. That you're now butthurt that folk don't support you in that, shows how out of touch you are tbh

@Timetochange72

How about a little compassion. Be there for when she realises she is worth better. In the meantime stop judging her. Not everybody is strong.

Have a word with yourself OP. Your sister needs compassion and help, not a selfish, self centred sister

Whenever I read about women being abused by men in the way the sister is abused, I wish that, as a society, we showed these men (and all men) that it's not going to be tolerated, by turning up at the house, at least 6 people, three of each sex, and surrounding the guy and telling him, forcefully, that he will stop it.

Then pack a bag for the woman and take her away, (with kids etc) and give her counselling, a place to go, support, and self-esteem training. Keep the pair of them apart and out of contact for at least 2 weeks.

Then if she still really wants to return to him, let her.

Shame we don't live in that kind of society. Men would stop and think if they knew this intervention would take place if they were abusive.

Well said xxhelenaxx. If only these women could understand what they are doing to themselves and often their children too. By staying in an abusive relationship these women are in turn affecting the people who care about them. Mothers stress themselves into ill health worrying about DDs in these situations. For the benefit of all women those in abusive relationships need to find the back bone to say F O and slam the door. They are allowing the abuse to affect more people and that is not on

StillMe1 yes it's all the woman's fault isn't it. Just listen to yourself. The complexities obviously go over your head and what you said I find really offensive.

I take my hat off to all the people here who know exactly how you should respond in the face of a loved one being abused and bullied and would follow through on expert advice even over the course of many frustrating and distressing years. You all have reserves of patience and wisdom that are beyond me.

This sounds like a horrible situation for your sister and an emotionally complex one for you, OP. You must wish you had some other family members to share your worry with. I'm sure the advice you're getting is sound, but it must be oh-so-hard to put into practice. Like you, I would want to be more proactive, even if I understood that that there are things I shouldn't say or do. Can you simultaneously ease your frustration and offer her an olive branch by focusing on practical things? For instance, making up a spare room and making sure she knows it's waiting for her anytime, day or night? Or starting some savings so that if she gets up the courage to leave you've got some money to help her get started away from him?

I am so uncomfortable with this thread. There is a strong majority who seem to be blaming the OP for the abuse her BIL gives her sister.

Nothing the OP did caused that man to be abusive. That's on him. His choice. He is the abuser. not the OP. Someone actually compared the OP's actions in telling off her BIL for his abuse to a woman beating her partner. Shame on you.

This is more of the usual "what did you do to make him do that" shit- deflecting from the real agent in abuse - the abuser. If you are so goddamn sympathetic to women being unable to leave or even condemn their abusers couldn't you spare an iota of sympathy for a woman who didn't know how to handle an abuser the "right" way?

And also - are we really all supposed to never call out these abusive men for fear they'll get worse? How does that work? We tip toe around, give women and children who live with them the idea that actually this might be normal (and don't kid yourselves - this man tells his wife that he is only doing/saying what other men do), and never do anything other than say "honey when you are ready to do something, I'll be here" and suppress our natural instincts to say "that isn't acceptable" - score 1 for the abuser.

OP, you have unfortunately handled it badly with your sister. Don't think she is jealous or anything. She is in a tough situation. If I were you I would call her and say "sorry I sent that text. I still think he was being awful to you but I didn't want to make things worse at all. I would love to see you and will only talk about things when you want to"

Complains he doesn’t get enough sex or blow jobs and jokes that her 20 year old daughter will sort him out

This man sounds terrifying. He also sounds like some kind of sexual offender so I do hope no other children are involved. Have you checked with daughter that she is safe and hasn't been subjected to any abuse? (She's 20 now but would have been a lot younger when they got together)

I remember your last thread.

I'm sure your sister is jealous. She's living a nightmare existence with her abusive partner, while you are planning a wedding to a loving partner. Who wouldn't be jealous in that situation?
And she has most likely been banned from coming to your wedding, plus she now feels betrayed by you. Why would she want to come to your wedding (or anybody else's), a public display of two people's love for each other, when it's so far removed from her own reality?

Perhaps you should speak to Women's Aid to get their advice on how you can deal with it.

OP I fully understand - there is only so much you can take and to be honest watching someone being abused for years and years also means you suffering horrendous abuse. There comes a time when for your own sake you have to take care of yourself- even for the sake of your own family. You are a good sister, amazingly you have said you would give her a place to go if she leaves him. One day hopefully she will. I wish xxHelenaxx's suggestion was how things were. The worst thing I have found about growing older is realising how many situations in life you are completely helpless to help.

OP I am really really sorry you feel attacked

I feel for you . Having lost parentsnyiyr family Shrinks and now you just want your sister back

It’s a very very hard situation

And there is no easy answer . Look after yourself OP

I don’t really want to comment anymore I haven’t read all the comments because I’ve realised it’s very hard to understand the situation with all the facts, there’s loads more that has happened with this guy. I have been there for my sister, so much so it’s made me ill too, and when you try and help and send all the relevant information to her, give her a place to stay, I have offered to put a deposit on a house and cancel my wedding, paid for a hotel room and that time he didn’t stop her going she still loves him and wanted to stay with him, she wants to make it work. We have money coming from my dads inheritance, she is planning on giving some of it to him as he’s lost his job. I will invest mine and then if she needs it when and if she gets out she can have mine! So I’m not the abusive one infact I care too much and let it get to me to the point I stood up to him. She has to leave when she’s ready and I’ve offered her the safety net but until then I have to get on with my own life and sorry if it’s selfish to feel let down regardless of the circumstances, I too have lost a dad, a Mum and now a sister. And you guys saying I’m sick and a horrendous sister and should be ashamed of myself and to show some compassion firstly haven’t read my posts properly or just want to blame me for his actions it doesn’t really help a horrible situation. So I’m off to work now . Thank u to those who did give some words of compassion x

OP, you're getting really defensive when you did come here asking for advice. It's not anyone's fault if they're giving advice 'not knowing the full story' when readers can only go by what you've said.

Sorry, but what you did in messaging her partner was incredibly dangerous and likely put her at risk of even more harm. That's nobody's fault but her partner if he chooses to abuse her. But alerting him to the fact that you know, and your sister (in his eyes) betrayed him and told you all about it, is likely to escalate the risk to her not decrease it. I'm sure you weren't thinking clearly at the time but did you really think he was going to get your text and go 'oh yeah she's right' and switch to being a lovely non abusive partner?

Being the relative of someone who is a victim of DV is tough, really tough. Having to sit with the knowledge the person you love is being harmed and you're unable to do a thing about it. Offering advice and support and seeing nothing change. All you can do is ensure the person knows you're there for them and will support them but then you have to let them make their own decisions. What people on the outside rarely realise is that actions which seem risky and nonsensical are often the ones least likely to cause further harm. You may be wondering why she doesn't leave, but your sister may believe or know that if she does leave the abuse will escalate even further and leave her at even more risk.

If emotionally you can't handle being supportive from a distance and tolerate knowing it's going on then you have to distance yourself to protect yourself and avoid making things even worse interfering. And that's fine you know. It's fine for you not to be able to handle being close to your sister knowing this is going on.

I've been there btw OP. My mum died then it came out my brother was abusing his wife, my sister in law. She told me, then it all kicked off when he found out she'd told me, they both turned on me and started abusing me so I had to cut contact with them both. Which meant losing my beautiful nephews from my life too. I know what it's like to lose people you love. That was three years ago and I still grieve for my family.

I know you can't go back and undo what you did in messaging him so I won't hammer on about it and people have done worse unthinkingly but I hope if you ever do rebuild a relationship again you'll have learned that getting involved like that only makes things worse. Your sister is the only one who can choose to make steps to leave if and when she's ready.

You talk a lot of sense limon, I agree with you