To feel upset and let down by my sister

[Timetochange72]

My sisters dp is so horrible to her, he calls her all sorts of names from cunt, bitch, whore, saggy tits etc. He makes her repeat things like ‘I am a cunt’ and she does 😞, He threatens to have affairs, throws his dinner in the bin because it’s not good enough for him. Complains he doesn’t get enough sex or blow jobs and jokes that her 20 year old daughter will sort him out 😳. I could go on and on but one day after 8 years when she told me his latest nasty words I text him and told him to please stop treating her like this and I’m worried about her. It wasn’t the greatest thing to do because now she feels I’ve betrayed her and all it’s done is pushed further away into his controlling arms.
Our dad died last year and our mum quite a few years ago so really she is my only family. I am getting married this year and she hasn’t spoke to me in 3 months and she sent her rsvp back as declining the invite so she’s not coming, but tbh even when we were speaking she wasn’t interested in my wedding at all. I think there’s a bit of jealousy there too.

I know she feels let down but I was truly concerned for her and now she completely turned her back on me and I have to get married without her there . Is she being selfish or have I only got myself to blame?

StillMe1 yes it's all the woman's fault isn't it. Just listen to yourself. The complexities obviously go over your head and what you said I find really offensive

No of course its not the woman being abused fault. That lies purely with the abuser. She may be psychologically worn down but is still an adult with choices. For all sorts of reasons including there being more advantages to staying in the relationship than leaving for the person being abused people do choose to stay in abusive relationships. This is what OPs sister is choosing to do at the moment. Hopefully ythis will change in the future. This can be incredibly frustrating for people who care about the person being abused and they can feeling increasingly helpless. It is very clear to see this is where OP is at.

Oh Timetochange, this must be horrible for you. You tried to help your DSis and yes, you made a mistake in the way you did it. But the abuse is not your fault.

And it must have been so triggering for you to constantly hear of the abuse when you are an abuse survivor yourself. The mental strain it must have put on you was enormous.

Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up. Your sister has been using you as part of her coping mechanism, but that's like putting a Band-Aid on a massive gash - it just won't ever fix it. It might well be now that she has to cope with it on her own she will get desperate enough to make the break, and she does know that you're there for her when she gets the courage to do so.

Oh thank you so much those of you who can see it from my point of view. Yes of course I know I made a mistake, I look back now and think what did I really hope to achieve but it also had to come to a head eventually, the sexual comments about her daughter really got to me, I had a step dad that was inappropriate it was awful. It became so frustrating listening to these type of things and I would try and help, finding her professional help, I tried to encourage her to speak to a councillor rather than me as I was struggling to understand why she wouldn’t do anything to help herself. She said she still loved him and I couldn’t understand that after so long, but I think as one poster said if I can’t not react it’s best to take a step back, I did suggest we just did nice things together and not discuss him but she felt too betrayed by me by then. I’ve just got to move on now, its so sad she won’t be at my wedding but that’s the way it’s got to be I guess, hopefully in time she will leave him or throw him out as it’s her house but as hard as it sounds maybe she needs to hit rock bottom that’s what happened to me, I realised life is what you make of it and I’d rather be on my own! I hope she finds the same strength

Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason why you snapped and texted him. As you say, it had to come to a head eventually, maybe for your own mental wellbeing. Don't beat yourself up about it, one day she will realise that you were in her corner, much more so than her 'D'P.

I get you OP, I have been in your position. It is horrendous just standing by and watching someone you love being abused. It is honestly the only time in my life I have wished I was a man, and one big enough and mean enough to beat the shit out of my BiL and make sure he never came back.

But yeah, I have opened my gob and no one thanked me for it and retaliations were strained for a while.

My sister eventually found the strength to leave and I supported her. He got everything financially though as she was too scared to contest things with him. Now a few years on he has a new woman and is apparently no longer such a psycho him and my sister have an(on the surface) cordial relationship. I can barely bring myself to tolerate being in the same room as the man.

Still, at least you won't have that vile man at your wedding.

Cherry you get to a point you’re so frustrated because you hear all these awful things and you can’t do anything so it all builds up inside of you too. It effects your metal health too and it effects things like I’d go into a different room to listen to her and in the mean time one of the children burn themselves trying to put the gas hob on cos they don’t want to disturb me, I’m not saying I mind her phoning me or it’s worse for me or anything like that it clearly isn’t but I’m just trying to explain the strain it causes. And I’m sorry tinkly that you’ve been through the same thing it’s so hard to not say anything when it’s your sister. Did your sister understand in the end why you intervened?