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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset and let down by my sister

81 replies

Timetochange72 · 19/03/2018 20:16

My sisters dp is so horrible to her, he calls her all sorts of names from cunt, bitch, whore, saggy tits etc. He makes her repeat things like ‘I am a cunt’ and she does 😞, He threatens to have affairs, throws his dinner in the bin because it’s not good enough for him. Complains he doesn’t get enough sex or blow jobs and jokes that her 20 year old daughter will sort him out 😳. I could go on and on but one day after 8 years when she told me his latest nasty words I text him and told him to please stop treating her like this and I’m worried about her. It wasn’t the greatest thing to do because now she feels I’ve betrayed her and all it’s done is pushed further away into his controlling arms.
Our dad died last year and our mum quite a few years ago so really she is my only family. I am getting married this year and she hasn’t spoke to me in 3 months and she sent her rsvp back as declining the invite so she’s not coming, but tbh even when we were speaking she wasn’t interested in my wedding at all. I think there’s a bit of jealousy there too.

I know she feels let down but I was truly concerned for her and now she completely turned her back on me and I have to get married without her there . Is she being selfish or have I only got myself to blame?

OP posts:

LimonViola · 20/03/2018 09:44

Thanks OP. I'm sorry you're in such pain from losing people you love. It sucks, doesn't it? I have realised that life is a long series of gains and losses and the more I can roll with it and see loss as inevitable the better I deal with it.

CompleteAisling · 20/03/2018 09:45

I didn’t come to be criticised I did ask for opinions and that’s what I got I guess but I’m sorry I’m feeling sorry for myself as I can’t now help her, I have no family and I’m grieving for my dad. It’s a really horrible time for everyone

But much much worse for her than for you. You should remember that, at least

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 20/03/2018 09:49

I could answer that complete, but I won’t 🙄.

Thanks again limon

OP posts:

LimonViola · 20/03/2018 10:00

That's a bit harsh CompleteAisling. OP said it was a horrible time for everyone. She never said that it was harder for her than her sister, FGS. What do you hope to get from that comment? Trying to make OP feel shit for struggling?

She's the one going through what she's going through. Just because it's a different sort of trauma and pain to her sister doesn't mean it's not valid. Why do you think people having a difficult and painful time should qualify every statement with 'but I know so and so has it worse'? That just makes people feel guilty for struggling and feel afraid to seek help surely?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 20/03/2018 10:02

Wow stillme do you do seminars? You really should. Everyone who is in an abusive relationship should listen up to your pearls of wisdom, you’ve got all the answers!

Seriously though you really think it’s that straight forward? Count yourself lucky that you’re that ignorant I guess

OP I hope your sister manages to get away from him. She must feel so low. Even if she is allowed to go to your wedding she might have chosen not to because she simply can’t face it when her own life is that horrendous. Can’t say I blame her.

lakeg · 20/03/2018 12:43

let her go

lakeg · 20/03/2018 12:44

i say this with the utmost kindness to everyone invoved.

MrsLupo · 20/03/2018 13:01

You are spot on pallisers and put it much better than me.

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 20/03/2018 13:32

Mrslupo and pallisers, I did read your comments thank you, and I have done what you both suggested, she knows I’m sorry, she knows I’m here for when she’s ready and I have tried to explain why I did what I did, I will still get her place to live all those things but until she’s ready there is no more I can do now. Lakeg, yes unfortunately letting her go is the only option now, until she’s ready for my help!

OP posts:

Tatiannatomasina · 20/03/2018 13:41

You did what you did as you love your sister. I get it.

tessieandoz · 20/03/2018 14:38

mrslupo has a really good idea about setting aside some money.
Sometimes it is something as seemingly simple as money ( among other things ) that keeps people in abusive relationships, but lack of money can feel insurmountable (I speak from experience but eventually overcame it.)

Dieu · 20/03/2018 15:34

Why the fuck is she still with him, when he made such a disgusting comment about her daughter?
YANBU.

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 20/03/2018 15:38

Yes Tessie, I have money for her when she needs it, have even offered to sort her a house out, but she doesn’t want help yet. She is fairly well off though but how much of it goes to him I don’t know. She is ironically a solicitor so has a good wage and her own house with no mortgage, it’s not his house at all so that’s good, but that’s another reason why he wants to try and belittle her as he is jealous and resentful of what she has, he has even admitted this!

OP posts:

StillMe1 · 20/03/2018 20:17

If certain posters had actually read what I wrote they would have seen that I have been in the OP's sister's position and also in the OP's position. I took a certain amount of abuse and then I dealt it straight back to my OH at that time. Years later I had a DFR (dear female relative) in OP's sister's position. I kept quiet for a while trying not to cause waves. It did not work the abuse went on and on until there were near death situations.
If any poster thinks it is just fine and dandy to sit back while relatives almost die I find that so wrong. It was not my decision that the situation went to near death I have that in writing from an official involved. I got very ill with the worry and frustration. Whether that was me ill or any other person that was so wrong, just as wrong as the near deaths. Softly softly just does not safeguard people.

anneoneill · 20/03/2018 20:54

Everyone piles in on OP, and I get a post deleted for supporting her.

Fucking disgusting.

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 20/03/2018 23:51

Did you anneoneil, I’m sorry I didn’t see it, thanks for trying. Some of the posts are disgusting but I haven’t replied as it’s not worth it. There’s no point bashing me, it’s the disgusting pig she’s with but people have their opinions and I did ask lol

OP posts:

CherryMaDeary · 21/03/2018 03:50

It sounds like OP would have appreciated someone telling her abusive ex to stop abusing her, and did this for her sis.

She madea mistake but does not deserve the bashing she has received on this thread.

OP, whilst it's fine to put aside some money for your sis, don't giver her your inheritance from your father. You need to prioritise your DC. Your sister owns her own home, she will hopefully be fine, and will hopefully leave the bastard.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/03/2018 07:06

Not everyone has

I feel for the OP and her situation is horrid .

So be there , have her back up . But do focus on yourself and your own grief and isolation and I am again sorry That people have chosen to respond this way to essentially a loving sister who is grieving

It Might be that a a degree of distance is what’s needed for your own MH

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 07:11

I remember your previous thread

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 07:14

Horrid situation where your hands are tied really.

Be there for her when she needs you

He is absolute scum as I said previously but until she's ready there is nothing you can do

I'm actually relieved he won't be at your wedding though

malificent7 · 21/03/2018 07:32

In your shoes op i would go to the police...coercive control is a criminal offence...im not saying they should burst in as things may escalate. They need to be aware though.

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 21/03/2018 08:46

Calling the police will just make it worse, imagine if they turned up on the doorstep

OP posts:

snewsname · 21/03/2018 08:59

Fgs purple, leave the op alone. Her intentions are, and always have been, good. She knows she's cocked up.

Op iit's good that her dd iit's standing by you. Your job now is to support her and continuing to keep the door open for when your dsis is ready to leave. You can lead the horse to water and all that, but she's got to want to.

Please don't give all your inheritance away to her. She's got her own, her own house and a good job. She's responsible for herself. Obviously you won't see her penniless but don't give everything you have to her.

snewsname · 21/03/2018 08:59

Peopke not purple

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 21/03/2018 11:40

Do you mean prizeOik lol

OP posts:

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