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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing bed with a newborn

125 replies

lamii · 19/03/2018 10:54

Baby is 2.5 weeks. DH wants to share our bed with him and he puts him by his side. It really scares me, I believe that it's dangerous. He keeps insisting and I am terrible nights as we fight and I prepare all the bottles - I struggle breastfeeding and do it only daytime. I have seen baby rolling over and ending up the face between DHs back and the mattress. DH says that I lie.
Baby seems to fall asleep quicker when he is in our bed but he is also able to sleep in his cot by next to our bed-it just takes more time/effort.
Aibu to not want bed sharing with our baby?

OP posts:
Zintox · 19/03/2018 10:55

It's not safe if you're formula feeding.

It's safe if you're breastfeeding.

Confusedbeetle · 19/03/2018 10:58

Never ever do it. It is dangerous. Take a little effort to settle your baby in the crib. The risk of overheating and over lay is VERY REAL

Areyoufree · 19/03/2018 10:58

I would go with your instinct. My youngest slept next to me after he was born, but never next to my husband. I read up on the precautions to take, and was happy that we were doing it as safely as possible. If you are uncomfortable with it, then personally I wouldn't do it. I would just keep the cot next to the bed.

ProudPearlClutcher · 19/03/2018 11:01

I know Co sleeping can be safe, but I also thought it was safest when breastfeeding and the baby usually sleeps on the mother’s side. I’m not sure how safe it is otherwise.

We haven’t had to do it with either of our babies as they have both been pretty quick to settle in their own crib.

Why does your dh want to do it? Will the baby not sleep in the crib / Moses basket, or is it an attachment thing your Dh wants?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/03/2018 11:02

Why's it not safe if you're formula feeding?

I've breastfed all mine and bed shared with all of them. I held them in the crook of my elbow, didn't have the quilt covering them, don't smoke and didn't drink.

LaDilettante · 19/03/2018 11:05

Don’t do it if you think it’s unsafe and if your baby is able to sleep in a cot. Maybe let your baby fall asleep in your arms or your husband’s. Then put him in his cot. It can take a while but you’re probably not going to get a great deal of sleep for a while unfortunately.

cookiescookiescookies · 19/03/2018 11:05

I don't think it's safe if you're breastfeeding or formula feeding, not sure what difference that makes Confused

I bf mine and definitely wouldn't have co slept still. Look at the cribs that attach to the bed, they are great and much safer.

ProudPearlClutcher · 19/03/2018 11:06

Why's it not safe if you're formula feeding?

I’d like to know this too. I read that it’s safest for bf babies, but not sure why...

WeaselsRising · 19/03/2018 11:06

My DD slept in my bed from birth but nowhere near DH. I sort of curled around her. She was breastfed tho. In the circumstances you describe I wouldn't be happy, no, and I agree your baby would be much safer in a cot.

Madmarchpear · 19/03/2018 11:07

It can be done safely. Optimally with a breastfeeding mother, baby's own light bedding, no alcohol or drugs. Mother placed lower than but facing baby. To be honest I wouldn't co sleep with my partner in the bed when so young because it would be difficult to provide a safe space.

AssassinatedBeauty · 19/03/2018 11:07

It's safer if you're breastfeeding, it's safer for baby to be on your side and ideally in a bed side cot. If either of you smoke then the risks are much higher and you shouldn't co-sleep.

It's not ok for him to dismiss you seeing the baby in a dangerous position. That alone would see me put the baby back into the cot.

Why do you end up fighting at night? What sort of thing does that mean - shouting?

RiceButt · 19/03/2018 11:09

I can't remember where I read it but I did once read about the risks of having baby sleeping next to Dad increases the SIDS risk even further due to Dad not having the same instincts as Mum not to roll over onto baby and Dad tending to deep sleep. Could be total billshit but it stuck with me.

I would invest in a Next To Me crib, baby has it's own space but will be next to you for you to reach/cuddle/settle and depending on bed height will pretty much be at the same height/level as you.

Steeley113 · 19/03/2018 11:09

There’s lots of ways you can make co-sleeping safer if that is what you would like to do.

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/03/2018 11:09

kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/cosleeping/

This is dangerous co-sleeping IMO.

Original poster
lamii · 19/03/2018 11:10

Baby is getting fussy when we put him in his crib.
It takes longer to settle him. Baby loves sleeping with us. That's the reason why DH wants to keep doing it. And I jump and wake up during the night out of stress saying 'where is the baby' because I am so scared he would suffocate in a pillow or overheat under the blanket, or get rolled over..!

OP posts:
Madmarchpear · 19/03/2018 11:10

I think its based on a study which found bfing mothers were more easily roused from sleep by the baby. Bf babies have a lower risk of SIDS too.

darkriver198868 · 19/03/2018 11:11

Its no safe either way. You cant make Co Sleeping safe and I would agree with @rice about investing in a cosleeper if you want baby near you.

Babyplaymat · 19/03/2018 11:12

Bedsharing is safe done properly, we have with all 3 since birth. But I wouldn't have a newborn next to my husband, and wouldn't necessarily if not BF.

Nomad86 · 19/03/2018 11:12

My understanding is that the baby is safer on the mother's side. Could you rent a bedside crib from the NCT?

NotUmbongoUnchained · 19/03/2018 11:13

I co slept with both of my formula fed babies

AssassinatedBeauty · 19/03/2018 11:14

You have to follow safe sleep guidelines though, as already linked. Also, if it means you can't relax then it's not going to help anyway.

If you had a proper bedside cot then you would know your baby was safe, and they would be right there for you to maintain contact with, if that helps.

Original poster
lamii · 19/03/2018 11:15

Fights are arguments, shouting not really but loud arguments. We were encouraged by midwive to share bed - we live in a Nordic country. When asking them it has never been clear if dads could do it to...

OP posts:
nuttynutjob · 19/03/2018 11:16

Bedsharing is the norm in other parts of the world. i.e Japan.

Look at ISIS online on how to bedshare appropriately. However, if you're not keen then trust your instincts.

SusieFlo · 19/03/2018 11:16

A co-sleeper crib is a good compromise, by which I mean a crib where one of the sides can be removed and the open side is attached to the side of your bed. That way the baby is sleeping right next to to you but in their own little annexe that a sleeping parent won't roll over into.

IlikemyTeahot · 19/03/2018 11:16

Get your H.V to have a word with him about the risks