Sharing bed with a newborn

[lamii]

Baby is 2.5 weeks. DH wants to share our bed with him and he puts him by his side. It really scares me, I believe that it's dangerous. He keeps insisting and I am terrible nights as we fight and I prepare all the bottles - I struggle breastfeeding and do it only daytime. I have seen baby rolling over and ending up the face between DHs back and the mattress. DH says that I lie.
Baby seems to fall asleep quicker when he is in our bed but he is also able to sleep in his cot by next to our bed-it just takes more time/effort.
Aibu to not want bed sharing with our baby?

My Midwife recommended Co sleeping and showed us how to do it. Ask your Midwife or health visitor for advice. We never have baby between us.

@BertieBotts I'm interested to know why you think using a sleepyhead between you isn't safe? We did this when our LO wouldn't settle in his cot and it felt very safe indeed.

Midwife should not be recommending co-sleeping! If you choose to do it and it feels right for you after you have read all the advice then it is your choice. OP please see the Lullaby Trust and UNICEF info on safe sleep to help you and your partner to decide together what you want to do. It is not without risk but there are ways to reduce those risks

Surprised at the responses here, as I always thought co-sleeping was the answer to every problem on M N. It certainly is on the sleep board.
I am slways puzzled why the potential risks of co-sleeping are brushed aside, whereas suggesting a baby sleeps in its own room. Is met with such resistance.

Perhaps because the DH iS prepared to argue for unsafe sleeping practices.

I co- slept but baby was on my side of bed never in the middle. I had no duvet on the bed or covers. Baby slept in sleeping bag and I slept in pj's and big onsie. There was one pillow on the bed.

If your going to bed share get all.the facts on how to.reduce risks.

Tbh I never got much sleep as never went into a deep sleep with dc I the bed and would wake with a start every 20mins

Don't do it. Yes it's more natural but so is a infant mortality rate of 1 in 5.

Reading your post op sent shivers down my spine

My son was around 5-6 months old when tragedy almost struck
He hadn't been sleeping well for a few nights and both me a DP were waking up all through the night to try and get him to sleep.
We were both incredibly tired and foolishly put my son between us in the bed.
The duvet was rolled back so as not to cause a hazard...
We were both at the edges of the bed on our sides facing inwards with DS in the middle
I dozed off as did DP...
Sheer horror woke me for some reason only to find I had moved in my sleep and covered DS have with the pillow

We were both hysterical, scared the absolute shit put us
For months afterwards I'd wake up in the night having serious panic attacks thinking my son was under the pillows, duvet
I even had these attacks whilst working away and sharing a hotel room with other tradesmen. It was horrible

What made me wake up I will never know, but if I hadn't my son would undoubtably have suffocated

Never sleep with a baby in bed, no matter how much they scream or how tired you are.... It's not worth it.

Planning for as safe as possible bed sharing is better than unplanned accidental bed sharing through extreme tiredness.

No, no. I had my DD in the bed when I breastfed, but always between me and the edge of the bed (with a cradle at the edge). Never, never on my husbands side. I’m sorry but too dangerous. You need to stick to your guns on this.

Mine have all coslept as babies, but all only breastfeeding, next to me, no pillows or duvets near, cot or wall against side of the bed in case of falling, and never by DP. If I want to change sides of feeding, we swap to the other side of the bed so he's still on the outside rather than next to DP.

I did it with all my kids

It's not safe to put baby on the father's side or between you, only on the mum's side of the bed. You have to follow safe sleep guidelines, no pillow near baby, no duvet near baby, a safe bed guard or enough space in the bed that you don't need a bed rail. My son sleeps in a grobag which has made cosleeping a million times easier, no worrying about blankets going near his face at all, and we get loads of great sleep!

Baby should co-sleep next to mother, not father.

It is safer to co-sleep when breastfeeding than formula because:

• Studies show breastfeeding mothers are more “in tune” with their babies and wake far more easily. I co-sleep with my beast fed baby and wake as soon as she stirs, sometimes just before she stirs.

• Beastfed babies naturally fall into a safe co-sleeping position I.e. level with mother’s breast rather than at head level near any pillows. Also, the mother naturally falls into a safe position too - arm outstretched above the baby’s head. The baby then can’t wriggle up and mother can’t roll onto the baby. I still sleep like this and never change position while asleep.

It is now believed by some experts that co-sleeping is safer for breastfed babies than sleeping alone because the mother wakes more easily and can keep a closer eye on the baby.

It never felt dangerous to me, but falling asleep with her in my arms before I decided to co-sleep, due to utter exhaustion, was far more dangerous. Co-sleeping gave me my life back, and it’s just wonderful too.

Because a sleepyhead is already not an approved surface for unsupervised sleeping (when parents are asleep counts as unsupervised) - Lullaby Trust have just released a document where they recommended not to use any of these "nests". They have pillowed edges which is a no-no in any other product so I can't (personally) see the safety in these products.

Using a sleep nest type thing is going to encourage a different parental sleeping position than the protective C-shape which reduces safety. It also introduces a level of separation from parent to child which reduces awareness. I'm afraid this one is my opinion - there's no study measuring "awareness" or its effect on safety but from my own experience co-sleeping plus anecdotal evidence from other parents I believe this to be a large factor.

I don't think that soft pillowy sides like the sleepyhead has are likely to deter a heavily sleeping parent from rolling onto a baby, unlike say the hard wooden sides of a bedside cot. This is another reason sleeping position is important because the "C position" is similar to the recovery position in that you cannot physically roll forwards onto the baby. I also think that you're quite likely to still have ordinary bedding on the bed which is a risk because either parent on each side could pull the covers up in their sleep which is a suffocation risk to the baby. If you placed the sleepyhead further up between the pillows, I'm not happy with that either (!) - not only is it a further distance/separation again, if you were to move a pillow during sleep then again this could come far too close or even on top of the baby. On top of the covers has similar issues plus overheating (duvets tend to reflect body heat when lain on top of) and the fact that parents may pull the duvet around underneath the baby which could move his/her position and they may not be aware of this.

But mainly I think that it brings a false sense of security because you have a "product" there which makes people think that perhaps some of the safety guidelines aren't as important or that the product makes what they are doing safer than it would otherwise be, which I don't believe to be the case.

I have just reread the OP though and if the dad is sleeping with his back to the baby, that is unsafe and especially so when OP has witnessed the baby rolling to an unsafe position - so the Dad is doing something unsafe and this does need to change either to a situation with a bedside cot/other kind of cot or a safe co-sleeping arrangement that OP is happy with. Maybe a sleepyhead in the middle would be better, I don't know. I'm inclined to say I don't like it but I've been sceptical of the idea of any products being used when co-sleeping (aside from bedside cots) for a long time now. Even things like swaddling and sleeping bags are a no for me.

Co sleeping cot, ebay. Best of all worlds.

I slept with all my breastfed babies in bed with me and DH at some point. I had the confidence to do this because the midwife in the hospital showed me how to feed lying on my side, so I could do it at night. To be honest, I was totally aware that I wasn't sleeping so soundly that I wouldn't stir when needed, but I was sleeping soundly enough to not feel totally exhausted the next morning.

If you instinct is telling you no, OP, then you shouldn't do it. There are no easy solutions or magic wands when it comes to sleep and tiny babies.

It's a few months of disturbed sleep not worth risking anything for the sake of sleep. My baby wouldn't settle in the crib so my partner and I took it in shifts to sleep 6pm - 12 and 12 - 6am...this was just until he learnt to settle himself in the Moses basket.
The midwife told me you have to keep putting them in the Moses and trying it until they learn - they will learn it just takes time, this won't be forever!
Just accept the house will be a mess, you will eat far too many ready meals and be a walking zombie for a couple of months!

I breast fed and co slept. My husband slept in the spare room. He knew he did not have the same aweness that I did. It sounds hugely danergous to me

I think it's different for everyone..
My daughter when she was just born was in our bed. Dp was super dad and stayed awake every night from 10pm til 5am and then I took over 5am til 7am and he would wake up again. He did it for a week just to let me sleep and recover. But he also wanted her close and to skin to skin most nights. It was so hard for him bless him. But she was formula fed and every time we put her in her moses to fall asleep together, she would cry. Ewan the dream sheep when she was a week old saved us from her being in our bed.

I wouldn't particularly follow Anyone's advice in all honesty and every baby is different as are the parents. You need to find what works for you. But the main advice basically here is don't drink or smoke or be under any influence of drugs and its fine to Co sleep but personally I'd invest in a Co sleeper crib.

BF v FF thing again. You can roll on a baby no matter what you are feeing it. My mothers cousin did, sadly. Long before bottles were common place.

There's some evidence to suggest that breastfeeding mothers actually do react differently when asleep compared to non-breastfeeding mothers and partners.

https://www.isisonline.org.uk/hcp/wherebabiesssleep/parentsbed/howwparentsbedshare/bedsharinggandnonbreastfeeders/

All four of mine have co slept till age of about 2, all breastfed but I don’t see why it would be different for formula fed.
Never in the middle of me and dh though, (they would defo get squashed )always at my side of bed breast level well away from my pillow and their own blanket on when tiny, shared duvet when bigger. It’s the best way to all get a good sleep (esp if you have other children being up and down with the crying baby would disturb them too) and if breastfeeding is super easy as once past the newborn stage you don’t even have to wake up when they need feeding they just help themselves

I co-slept with both my newborns and I believe it is safe IF you strictly adhere to the safe co-sleeping guidelines. However, I wouldn't do it if bottle-feeding, or with a second adult in the bed.

I think you should google the guidelines, but basically, to stay safe, you should not be under the influence of alcohol or drugs (prescription or otherwise), should not smoke, or be excessively tired or obese. The mattress should be firm and any loose bedding and pillows kept well away from the baby. The baby should be laid in its own sleeping space, on its back, and dressed appropriately for the room temperature, in a baby sleeping bag if it is cold (NEVER under a duvet). You also need to make sure that the baby cannot roll off the mattress or get trapped between the mattress and a wall (use a bed-guard if necessary).