Sharing bed with a newborn

[lamii]

Baby is 2.5 weeks. DH wants to share our bed with him and he puts him by his side. It really scares me, I believe that it's dangerous. He keeps insisting and I am terrible nights as we fight and I prepare all the bottles - I struggle breastfeeding and do it only daytime. I have seen baby rolling over and ending up the face between DHs back and the mattress. DH says that I lie.
Baby seems to fall asleep quicker when he is in our bed but he is also able to sleep in his cot by next to our bed-it just takes more time/effort.
Aibu to not want bed sharing with our baby?

In the US the advice is also to room share. Actually some sources say until 1 year (the evidence doesn't actually state a time period so 6 months as mentioned in UK literature is entirely cultural).

I don’t think there’s a difference between uk and USA do be honest. There will be people that co sleep, room share, have baby in room until 6 months or until practically a teenager or have baby in own room, what ever works for you and what you believe works best for you and your family and more importantly your baby! Personally I prefer crib at side of bed until at least 6 months. By 6.5 months ds was in his own room and sleeping better there as we were all disturbing each other.

Adding to what Bertie says, one of the problems with advice like "never bedshare" is that people don't get advice on how to make it safer, so may end in a more risky situation, e.g. falling asleep in an unprepared bed or doing night feeds in chairs and on sofas and dozing off there.

I also think that people who've had good aleepers underestimate how resistant some babies are to sleeping away from a parent. We definitely would not have got more sleep with DS in another room! As it happens we ended up bedsharing after I fell asleep sitting up and decided I'd rather do planned cosleeping than risk it happening again.

Look up about the deaths. My cousin died because he was suffocated during sleep by accident.

I found healthcare professionals are beginning to be a bit more 'open minded' when it comes to vo sleeping. Far better to learn how to do it as safely as possible than just say 'it's not recommended'.

I co-slept with all 5 of mine from birth until around 3 years.

I FF two of them and BF 3.

I didn't sleep with pillows or duvets for the first few months. DH didn't share with us for the first 6-8 weeks. I slept with them at breast level in the crook of my arm, curled around them in a sort of recovery position. I could feel them breathing against me. I couldn't sleep without touching them and they seemed to feel the same way!

I never drank or smoked. I would never allow DH or anyone else to co-sleep with them alone under 1.

YANBU to not want to share with your baby.

I've definitely read that the baby is only safe if on the mother's side.

Probably safer than driving said baby to the shops

I'm really sorry, I've not read the whole thread.

My DD wouldn't sleep in her cot for three months (she was quite sick when she was born and I believe that had to do with it). She was mix-fed, and for those three months she always had a formula top-up as that was what we were advised.

Unfortunately, we are both mothers, so I don't know which side she should have slept on (and don't know whether it would make a difference?). But we took turns to stay awake for 3 hours with her snuggled up on our chests. Would that be an option? Bear in mind it really won't be for long - a matter of weeks, maybe - and you'll have the comfort of knowing one of you is always awake to be sure the baby is fine.

I bed share with newborn but I breast feed - it’s hella easy because you can do the lying down feeding and so it’s all very quick. I also have a great little soft light from jojomamanbebe which helps me guide him to the nipple fast. My DH sleeps upstairs as he works and because it would be safe with him in the bed too.

There is plenty of research to show it is safe provided you BF, not obese or smoke/drunk etc.

But baby should be next to you not husband - mums are programmed to sleep with babies without rolling on them, and that is how babies have been brought up for millions of years. Dads are not safe with them.

Cosleeping is for each mum to decide based on their baby and how they sleep, but I would say dads should not be doing it on their own.

Also as the Mum you should be taking the decision - your DH needs to back off and let you lead the newborn parenting, at least until he can grow a pair of tits. You are not his slave.

You don’t need opinions when you’ve got facts.

The fact is the co-sleeping has a rick of sudden infant death.

*You don’t need opinions when you’ve got facts.

The fact is the co-sleeping has a rick of sudden infant death.*

All infant sleep has a risk of sudden death syndrome because the FACT is we don’t know what causes it or why these babies die. What we do know are risk factors and how to minimise them. Regardless of whether your baby sleeps in a cot or your bed you need to be aware of this and take measures to reduce the risks as much as you can. Bedsharing can be done safely. FACT.

Going back to the OP, her husband is clearly unaware of the safety guidelines around bed sharing, making it unsafe. If they were doing so safely it would be perfectly fine. It’s not for everyone, but neither is binging a baby in a crib when they don’t want to be there. Your baby, your choice.

I don’t think the problem is that babies shouldn’t be near men, just they are safer with someone actively participating in the feeding process as they are less deeply asleep. In our case DH did all the night feeds for one baby, so it wasn’t an issue.

Same. My husband does half the night feeds, and until recently we co-sleep, with us alternating. When 'on duty' we both sleep deeply, but when sleeping with her, much lighter, and are very responsive. Therr isn't anything wrong with a man co-sleeping, providing he takes it seriously, and does it properly, which is the same as for any woman. The Ops husband does not do this though, and that's worrying.

@LRDtheFeministDragon the advice for baby to sleep next to the mother is based on breastfeeding, as there's some research that shows that this is less risky. So I guess it would depend on who was breastfeeding. If neither, then there would be no difference, and then you should both follow the guidance about how to position yourself, the baby and appropriate bedding.

I know, I'm slightly being snarky, because that research suggests a breastfeeding mother will sleep less deeply and wake more easily. And breastfeeding is much more gendered than formula feeding, anomalies such as lesbian mums notwithstanding.

But, there is also evidence to show that if non-breastfeeding parents bother to do the wake-ups, they magically develop this skill too. Who knew?!

So, it's not really about breastfeeding. It's about the fact that breastfeeding tends to allow one (usually male) parent to get into a mindset where he doesn't hear or respond to the baby the same way.

FWIW, my DP breastfed for a few months, but because she was on medication for ages after the birth, she never developed the reflex of hearing the baby while she was asleep. Studies also reflect this fact, which is why if you smoke, drink or do drugs, all the breastfeeding in the world doesn't compensate and make you safe to co-sleep.

My dd sometimes still sleeps in the same bed as us. She sleeps in between us and she's always in DP's arms. An she has since 4 weeks old if she's ever been in our bed with us.
If ever she stirrs he wakes up naturally etc. Men can do it as long as they do it correctly and not under the Influence of alcohol etc

Well, yes breastfeeding is 100% done by those who are female, that's inescapable. Formula feeding will always be more mixed sex than breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding has obviously not got magic powers that can counteract being drugged or drunk. That should mean no co-sleeping at all. I guess the research looked at situations where things that were actively dangerous were not happening. But clearly it's not the actual breastfeeding that makes any difference, it's just a mechanism for feeding after all, just like bottle-feeding. It's going to be actually about parental diligence and responsiveness to the baby. Formula feeding means that both parents can be responsible for night feeding and make both parents have ability to have this synchronicity and responsiveness that is wrongly associated with breastfeeding itself.

I co slept with all three of mine. They were in the middle. DH and I kind of shuffled down so the covers weren’t over them.

If you’re not comfortable, you’re not comfortable. Don’t be forced into it.

Pressed post too soon!

I think when baby is very tiny it’s reasonable for mum to have final say if I’m honest.

Co sleeping was the only way DS would sleep - we had a co-sleeping crib but he didn't go near it for 4 months without screaming. BUT we did it safely- DH in the spare bed, me with extra clothes layers on and fewer sheets, no pillows. I breastfed. I hated it, but it got me a tiny modicum of sleep so was necessary.

@AssassinatedBeauty

But clearly it's not the actual breastfeeding that makes any difference, it's just a mechanism for feeding after all, just like bottle-feeding.

That's not true. Breastfeeding reduces mums sleep cycles so they are more in tune with babies, breastfeeding reduces mums deep sleep so she is less likely to roll on baby or cover him with bedsheets. It also makes it more likely that baby will be at breast height and mum is more likely to sleep in the protective 'c' shape. Breastfeeding also makes babies sleep less deeply, placing them at lower risk of SIDS generally, regardless of where they sleep.

I'm not pro bf or pro ff (or anti either) but I am pro facts!

But that research that I linked to apparently says that all of that can be learnt, and it's nothing to do with the actual breastfeeding.

I have co slept with all three of mine. Ff the first and bf the other two. But I co slept with them, not my husband, the baby needs to be next to you, not in the middle of you both, or at the side of him, it's honestly safest if you have the bed to yourself. Never put the quilt over baby, do not smoke do not drink alcohol and don't take any medicines that could make you drowsy. If your bf anyway its so easy to just let baby latch on in the night!
I wouldn't let my husband Co sleep with a newborn.

It's the best thing ever if done with mum breastfeeding.
It can be dangerous if done with dad and of course formula feeding.
When he is older yes but right now unless done in the first scenario it's probably not a good idea.
If you want to do it then thing how to mitigate the risks: mattress on the floor/sleeping on the floor, no duvet over baby, baby grow, no pillow around baby etc.

Assassinated is right - it's behavioural. The sleep cycles thing is a possible but it's a theory, it's not proven. The same as this idea that FF babies sleep more deeply. A theory often backed up by anecdotal evidence that babies "seem to" sleep better on the bottle - it's usually bandied around BF groups to prove how horrible FF is which I think is a little ridiculous, TBH, especially as it's not based on any evidence.

If you are pro facts then please separate out which are facts and which are theory. There is also a theory BTW that any parent who co-sleeps is in this lighter, more aware state. It's about as valid as the theory that only BF mums can possibly be - therefore parents must make their own judgement.

The research is inconclusive - so some authorities recommend only the breastfeeding mother should co-sleep, whereas others simply recommend that other caregivers adopt these breastfeeding behaviours. It is not clear whether the increased wake ups (increased awareness, if you like) are related to hormonal factors or related to the typical practices of BF mothers for example positioning of the baby and mother (caregiver) respectively.