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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't touch me *TMI warning*

100 replies

Francix · 13/03/2018 02:51

DP and I have lived together for two years, but he never initiates sex anymore, or kisses me, or touches me really. I usually give in and try to initiate sexual contact with him at some point but it usually turns into me giving him a handy j and that'll be it. When we do have sex it's not something that gets me off, and he doesn't offer to do so. AIBU to stop any sexual contact until he wants to show me some attention?

OP posts:
steff13 · 13/03/2018 02:54

What did he say when you talked to him about it? It would be a deal breaker for me personally, but if other parts of the relationship are good, I'd try to work on it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2018 03:02

How long has it been bad? Because it's a fairly new relationship.

TammyWhyNot · 13/03/2018 03:03

The problem with your strategy is that it seems to deliver what he wants; no sexual contact.

Did he used to be keen? Did he used to have good sexual manners? Did he change suddenly? Is he physically and mentally well?

You need to talk to him, tell him how this makes you feel , ask what is going on. Has he checked out of the relationship but is too scared to say?

Original poster
Francix · 13/03/2018 03:09

Maybe he has checked out, that is what I'm afraid of.
He's never really had "good sexual manners" in terms of remembering I have needs too but I blame that on culture
It's been like this for a while but more ground to a halt in the last 6 months

OP posts:
mancmayhem · 13/03/2018 03:15

This was one of the reasons I ended my last relationship. Really makes you feel like shit doesn’t it, hope you manage to sort it

steff13 · 13/03/2018 03:20

What culture is he? I've never been with a guy who didn't want to meet my needs as well as his own. It sounds like this might just be par for the course.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/03/2018 03:26

The fact that he will not give you a seconds thought but cheerfully accepts a handjob suggests that this is basic selfishness and nothing to do with medical or emotional issues.

Yes he could be getting it elsewhere but I would think that it is more likely he is wanking to porn. Girls on porn vids dont care about orgasms or love or emotional bonding, they just get their tits and fannies out for his viewing pleasure.

Dump him and find someone who not only knows how to pleasure a woman sexually and emotionally, but appreciates how bloody lucky he is to be allowed to do so. Its no less than you deserve.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2018 03:27

I'm erring on the side of LTB. Seems like a lot of work for no return.

Original poster
Francix · 13/03/2018 03:28

African, but the culture I'm referring to is Black British, foreplay is a myth unless it's a blowjob

OP posts:
steff13 · 13/03/2018 03:34

Even Idris Elba, because that would break my heart.

There's a rumor that black American men aren't into foreplay, but that's never been my experience.

MerryShitmas · 13/03/2018 03:35

Excuse me?
Black British lass here. Most of my partners have been black British as is my DH none of them were remotely like your DP.
Either you're deliberately being offensive or you're naive and he's filled your head with shit.
LTB.

TammyWhyNot · 13/03/2018 03:38

Haha well I can tell you from my small sample of research that it’s him, not culture!

Ditch him. Tell him why.

You can’t live like this.

GnotherGnu · 13/03/2018 03:46

Unless he's prepared to change radically you don't really have a future with him, do you? It sounds like realistically the relationship has come to an end.

Kitchenbound · 13/03/2018 03:46

LTB. Its not a cultural thing its a too lazy to get off his ass and be part of a couple thing. If he doesn't want to appreciate you then toodles to him and his loss

Jobjobjob · 13/03/2018 03:49

This has nothing to do with culture and everything to do with some other deep rooted issue.

Can it be resolved, it'll need to be discussed and a lot of work on your OHs part to sort it.

But I'd guess that things will always be wrong.

Do you ever hope to conceive children?

mathanxiety · 13/03/2018 04:00

www.nytimes.com/2018/03/10/style/sexless-relationships-men-low-libido.html

This is an excellent article with many nuanced insights. One that struck me was how this problem tends to kill relationships even though the matter may get resolved.

Is he gay?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2018 04:18

Cultural my arse. In fact, my small(ish) sample has also been the opposite. It's like a MN meta-study.

And even if it was cultural, I'm not staying with a man who doesn't care if I'm happy.

Original poster
Francix · 13/03/2018 04:26

I mean if you can't acknowledge that there is a culture around Black British men not wanting to engage in oral sex or a lot of foreplay due to the way in which they are told to have sex and speak about sex with their friends... I'm not speaking on behalf of your DH or anyone else but there is a cultural influence on his attitudes toward sex and a lot of his friends are the same (from talking to their OHs), which I'm not saying is an excuse in this situation- just to answer a previous poster who asked if he had always had "good sexual manners"

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MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2018 04:34

That's all men under 40 now. Raised on porn and shitty attitudes. That's all sexual culture now.

But if you go out with men who are good humans, they care if you are happy. And they think outside the box.

Yours chooses not to. Put up with it or don't.

Original poster
Francix · 13/03/2018 04:35

put up with it or don't
Thanks for your heartfelt advice

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 13/03/2018 04:40

Yes you are right in that it is cultural, between him and hte other selfish men he hangs around with. They all confirm to each other that their behaviour is fine.

However, as the (white) wife of a black british man I can tell you that you are wrong regarding "their" (because they are all the same Hmm) culture regarding sex. Some are incredible lovers, some are selfish arseholes, most are somewhere in between. You know, like everyone else.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/03/2018 04:43

put up with it or don't
Thanks for your heartfelt advice

Well thats what it comes down to. Either put up with it, and accept that man who is selfish in bed is usually selfish in most other areas too, or leave him and find someone who treats you as you want to be treated.

But remember, this is who he is and you cannot change him. Either accept him as he is, or dont.

PollyBanana · 13/03/2018 04:47

So he and his friends are all ok with being crap in bed? Cos that's what their "culture" expects of them?
As PyongyangKipperbang says, men of various backgrounds can be caring or rubbish sexually. Doesn't mean that we have to put up with it and merely service their needs.

Original poster
Francix · 13/03/2018 04:52

Doesn't mean that we have to put up with it and merely service their needs. I see no lies

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Original poster
Francix · 13/03/2018 05:09

Tbh I've been a depressed mess since November so I guess that could have a lot to do with it

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