DP doesn't touch me *TMI warning*

[Francix]

DP and I have lived together for two years, but he never initiates sex anymore, or kisses me, or touches me really. I usually give in and try to initiate sexual contact with him at some point but it usually turns into me giving him a handy j and that'll be it. When we do have sex it's not something that gets me off, and he doesn't offer to do so. AIBU to stop any sexual contact until he wants to show me some attention?

I agree that this is the case with a lot of young men, and a few older ones. I spent my whole 20s and early 30s with men who were selfish or porn sick when it came to sex. I finally got to breaking point, after blaming myself for many years for not being fulfilled by them, thinking there was something wrong with me, before realising, it wasn't me at all, it's them. They see women as a fancy wanking object.

I now have a wonderful man who puts my pleasure above his own, who gives me as much as I give him. I would never waste my time with a selfish man again.

It would not be useful at all for the human race if it was standard for men to not be able to orgasm from penetrative sex.

If he can't it's cause he choked that chicken to death watching porn and now can't enjoy PIv. That's a medical/psychological issue.

NO PIV isn't an issue if you're having other kinds of mutually enjoyable sex though, not just blow jobs.

That's all men under 40 now. Raised on porn and shitty attitudes. That's all sexual culture now.

It's really not

@Francix this was exactly my experience with men when I lived in east Africa, foreplay absolutely non existent, zero interest in my sexual needs, very weird about blow jobs specifically. I don't know about black British, but I don't think putting different sexual expectations down to cultural differences is a crazy idea. Having said that, if this is how things are after only 2 years then I'd cut and run. I know there's more to life than sex, but I couldn't spend my life with someone who is disinterested and selfish in bed. It grinds down your self esteem in a big way, and I've never met a man who was selfish in bed who didn't eventually turn out to be selfish in a douzen other ways as well. Cut your loses and find someone you're more compatible with.

"MrsTerryPratchett

That's all men under 40 now. Raised on porn and shitty attitudes. That's all sexual culture now."

It's not all men under 40; my husband's 27 and not like that. You sound really bitter towards men.

This is why living together used to be called "a trial marriage." Lots of people lived together, realised the horror that lay ahead if they married, and got the hell out.

Why are you staying with this man

It's not all men under 40; my husband's 27 and not like that. You sound really bitter towards men.

Tbh, if your husband is 27, then I'm guessing you're also in your 20s.

I'm mid 40s now and that extra 20 years has shown me some shocking attitudes and behaviours from men that, in my 20s, I couldn't have imagined.

So whilst I can't speak for the poster you're addressing, reflecting on personal experience isn't the same as bitterness.

I became single again 6 years ago. Sex is very, very different to it was 20/25 years ago. And not for the better!

You sound really bitter towards men. Only the ones that are shit in bed

It was a sweeping statement and for that, I'm sorry. But there is a general shift in sexual behaviour and porn (very widely accessible) is problematic. There are very clever people studying porn and the popular terms; 'teen' for example, are worrying. I'm not sure it's young men's fault BTW. They are learning about sex from pretty nasty stuff.

Google the 'orgasm gap' for funsies.

Don't stay because you've got children, if you have! Really stupid advice.

I think he’s just a selfish arse with no desire for intimacy.

Can we stop dragging millennial men and assuming they're porn-fuelled, dick-centric arseholes? I'm a married 26 year old, my husband is 28 and he is all about my body and my pleasure.

@MrsTerryPratchett it is certainly not all men under 40 ... how generalising

PJs, there are lots of married and closeted gay and bi men out there. It's a very active subsection of the gay scene where I live.

Really? Math Wow. I stand corrected then!

I'm really surprised. I live in a very C/conservative area and I know a large number of gay men and women. I am aware I wouldn't necessarily know if they were in the closet... but I'm really surprised some people feel it's necessary nowadays.

That's really sad actually.

Really? Math Wow. I stand corrected then!

I'm really surprised. I live in a very C/conservative area and I know a large number of gay men and women. I am aware I wouldn't necessarily know if they were in the closet... but I'm really surprised some people feel it's necessary nowadays.

That's really sad actually.

And as for: When I first hooked up with him he was very porn-centric, dick-centric etc. Over time he has mellowed (for want of a better word). So much about our sex life has improved

Words fail me. I wouldn't get past first time, possibly second time, sex with someone like this. What is it that keeps you going back to someone who has so little regard or respect for women and treat them like a pet project?!

He has a huge amount of respect for me. We get on really well and he's a great fuck
I did put his 'ways' down to his culture and his youth . I decided I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for a while (as he has many redeeming qualities!). I'm glad I did.

We all want different things out of a relationship and the sexual part of it. It's not as black and white as - no foreplay, ltb.

I am not sure men feel it's necessary for political/social pressure reasons. Some like the danger, the thrill of getting away with deceit, and having a secret life.

My exh was like this (not Black British, incidentally). Never initiated sex and never touched me. Would accept hand/blow jobs. He turned out to be gay.

Black British men don't engage in oral sex?! As a black woman I can tell you - oh yes they do. Your man simply doesn't want to do that, or much more, with you. & if that's how you think then unfortunately it seems you pick selfish men and on top of that, you cater to their selfish sexual preferences too.

It doesn't sound as if your man was that into sex with you in the 1st place, but you went along with it. I'm wondering if he gave you the line that black men don't do oral sex, so that basically he didn't have to bother with your needs and it's all about him. If he did - it's unfortunate you believed him.

I can't believe anyone would fall for that line but still - doesn't sound as if you like direct advice, even though put up with it or leave is the bottom line.

he might be gay....

@MistressCeeDee Gtfoh

Are you white OP?

I ask because not that it matters as such what race you personally are. But how you came to this conclusion? I'm mixed race, from 3 different races and there are certain tropes that are often wheeled out about those races and it never fails to make me think WTF.

The issue here isn't his 'culture' or whatever - it's that he is a selfish partner. The idea that you'd be willing to put up with this because it's "just his culture" is foolish. LTB and find someone more attuned to your needs.

Absolutely nobody has considered there may be medical issues which the husband is refusing to face. For his sake OP you need to talk to him as he may be seriously ill. Get him to have a medical check up. Please!

@SleepingStandingUp Thank you so much.

OP your eloquent "gtfoh" response tells me you are getting what you deserve - but, not what you want. Take your own advice. Better still, tell it to your man if you've the guts.