Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't touch me *TMI warning*

100 replies

Francix · 13/03/2018 02:51

DP and I have lived together for two years, but he never initiates sex anymore, or kisses me, or touches me really. I usually give in and try to initiate sexual contact with him at some point but it usually turns into me giving him a handy j and that'll be it. When we do have sex it's not something that gets me off, and he doesn't offer to do so. AIBU to stop any sexual contact until he wants to show me some attention?

OP posts:
JosephWearsNoPants · 13/03/2018 05:22

I had many partners of different ethnicities ages and nationalities. it is not a black British thing or an under 40 thing.

He is selfish.

I wouldn't even fancy him if I have to talk beg for him to notice i have needs. if he doesnt realise this already its too late to save him im sorry!
it's one thing to suck at bed and be willing to learn and quite another to completely ignore your needs.

it's him.

JosephWearsNoPants · 13/03/2018 05:24

kick him yo the kerb....

JosephWearsNoPants · 13/03/2018 05:24

TO

schrodingerstwat · 13/03/2018 05:37

I'm not speaking on behalf of your DH or anyone else

Errr...yes you are! That is exactly what you're doing when you bandy words like "culture" around!!

I think your post is offensive, quite frankly.

However, if you want advice, I've been in that situation with men of many nationalities and it's not a good place to be. It'll wear you down psychologically. If he can't change you do need to LTB, as it's basically incredibly selfish.

Original poster
Francix · 13/03/2018 05:40

Culture is not necessarily to do with ethnicity - I'm referring to a social culture and the attitudes associated with it.
I swear people see "black" and "Culture" in the same sentence and stop reading and start reacting, what I am talking about it is in no way offensive to anyone

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 13/03/2018 05:57

What do you want from this thread OP?

People have told you the reality - based on comparisons of what good looks like, in terms of a relationship. Quite frankly your "DP" scores 'Null points' he clearly doesn't give a shiny shit about your experience.

Why are you prepared to put up with his behaviour? There are caring, thoughtful men out there who invest in how their partner feels, you're settling for substandard.

I'm sad for you that you can't see that without having to start a thread - then ignore people's opinion.

FissionChips · 13/03/2018 05:59

Sounds like you and your friends just pick selfish lovers.

WunWegWunDarWun · 13/03/2018 06:02

You specifically said 'the culture I'm talking about is black British' Hmm

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 13/03/2018 06:05

Unless you have children together I can’t see why you stay.

pringlecat · 13/03/2018 06:08

From experience, a selfish lover never gets less selfish. All that happens is your self-esteem gets chipped away.

You can work through low libido and/or lack of sexual skill, but you cannot fix a man who doesn't care about your needs. We all think we can be the one to change a man - but selfish men can't be changed.

schrodingerstwat · 13/03/2018 06:12

From experience, a selfish lover never gets less selfish. All that happens is your self-esteem gets chipped away.

^^ This! 100%

Great username @pringlecat - is it from Anne of Windy Willows?

CircleofWillis · 13/03/2018 06:20

Have you actually spoken to HIM about it? It could be that he is suffering from depression or anxiety too. Or he no longer wants the relationship. Or he is watching too much porn.

You can’t really come to a decision until you know what is actually going on with him.

Also in every relationship I’ve been in it has been important to let my partner know what I want from sex too. If it has always been about answering his needs and you have not told him otherwise it is not only his fault that the sex has been poor.

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2018 06:40

Have you spoken to him about it? If you have and he's still selfish then he's showing you he doesn't care about you

I don't think culture is especially relevant here and certainly isn't any kind of excuse for this

JosephWearsNoPants · 13/03/2018 06:46

*FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin

Unless you have children together I can’t see why you stay*

spot on

PollyBanana · 13/03/2018 06:53

Tbh I've been a depressed mess since November so I guess that could have a lot to do with it
Not sure what you are implying...that he is not interested in you because you are low and depressed, or you're depressed because of the lack of sexual affection?

JosephWearsNoPants · 13/03/2018 07:01

you're making so many excuses up for him. its the culture, its my depression..
how about its him?!

bimbobaggins · 13/03/2018 07:04

Ltb. Stop getting him off and start getting yourself off instead.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2018 07:09

OP AIBU is full of posters that don't care or really think about how the respond.

Would have been better in Relationships.

FrankensteinsSister · 13/03/2018 07:16

I did the ‘wait him out’ thing. I made it 15 months then cracked and mentioned it.

FrankensteinsSister · 13/03/2018 07:16

Ltb, seriously.

WhoUpsetTheEquilibrium · 13/03/2018 07:17

OP it doesn’t matter whether it’s his culture or not. He’s not doing what would make you happy and that won’t change.
That won’t change especially if it’s his culture.

Talk to him and unless you can’t your self esteem to fall through the floor further and further then prepare to leave him. I couldn’t stay in a sexless relationship.
That would be like living with a friend.

WhoUpsetTheEquilibrium · 13/03/2018 07:18

I totally agree with @JosephWearsNoPants
That’s basically what I was trying to say but she put it better.

JaneEyre70 · 13/03/2018 07:20

Blunt answer, he's not that into you. He's either getting it elsewhere or he'd rather go without. Either way, it's his issue but it's making you feel like shit. Is that worth hanging on for? Once sexual desire for a partner has gone, it stays gone.

LakieLady · 13/03/2018 07:34

That's all men under 40 now. Raised on porn and shitty attitudes. That's all sexual culture now.

Really?

Thank god I'm 62, and DP just a few years younger. Men of my generation know all about foreplay, but I gathered from older colleagues this wasn't the case in the 40s and 50s.

It makes me sad to think that men might have slipped back into their old ways.

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2018 07:36

Its definitely not all men under 40!