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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't touch me *TMI warning*

100 replies

Francix · 13/03/2018 02:51

DP and I have lived together for two years, but he never initiates sex anymore, or kisses me, or touches me really. I usually give in and try to initiate sexual contact with him at some point but it usually turns into me giving him a handy j and that'll be it. When we do have sex it's not something that gets me off, and he doesn't offer to do so. AIBU to stop any sexual contact until he wants to show me some attention?

OP posts:
Sevendown · 13/03/2018 07:37

LTB

Fruitcocktail6 · 13/03/2018 07:41

That's all men under 40 now. Raised on porn and shitty attitudes. That's all sexual culture now.

Not true at all, just like OP's sweeping generalisation. I'm 27 and this has not been my sexual experience with men.

MIngerDynasty · 13/03/2018 07:43

It's the experience of a lot of women though, suverys on sex are showing a remarkable decline in the ability of men to do anything besides use a woman as a wank toy. It's accurate and unfortunate.

OP just leave he can't be arsed, and you can't fix that. He doesn't care about you if he doesnt care about getting you off during sex. Low libido would be fine but no foreplay means he doesnt care. Do you want that for the next twenty years?

undercoveragent · 13/03/2018 07:51

I disagree about changing people.
I'm currently with an Asian guy. When I first hooked up with him he was very porn-centric, dick-centric etc. Over time he has mellowed (for want of a better word). So much about our sex life has improved. Last time he even asked if I was satisfied 😅 Still working on the foreplay but I'm confident we will get there!

But to op, have you talked to your dp at all about how you are feeling (including the depression), how he is feeling?

Esspee · 13/03/2018 08:02

Just skimmed through this so forgive me if this has been mentioned. Is it possible that he has erectile dis function and is too embarrassed to confide? My husband "went off sex", refused to discuss it with a doctor, and as a result died of prostate cancer.

coconuttella · 13/03/2018 08:16

I did the ‘wait him out’ thing. I made it 15 months then cracked and mentioned it.

Why would you waste 15 months of your life before talking about an issue.... OP: this is textbook example of what not to do.

If relationship is good in other respects and you see a future if this is sorted, then you must talk to him, and do it soon (within 15 days not 15 months)

If you can’t talk to him, your relationship isn’t worth saving.

If he doesn’t respond positively to your issues, and make dramatic and sustained improvements, your relationship isn’t worth saving.

However, if your relationship is not good in other areas, and you don’t see a future, then just end it now.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/03/2018 08:20

I'm referring to a social culture and the attitudes associated with it.

That might be his social culture - it's not the general one - and if it is; why would you stay? It'd be a dealbreaker for me straight off; he's unlikely to change if thats the attitude he chooses to have.

Laiste · 13/03/2018 08:20

The big question is:

What does he say when you ask him about it?

Whatever the reason for it is, in the end if you want to just walk away you absolutely can. If you want to try to fix it you need to start by speaking to him.

All we can do here is guess at it, argue about the culture issue, or speculate about what we'd do.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/03/2018 08:21

I could live without sex, but I'd die without affection

PJsAndBlanketOnTheSofa · 13/03/2018 08:25

Leaving culture and depression and any other explanations/reasons/excuses aside...

I wouldn't stick around with someone like this, who treated me with such a lack of regard or respect. It wouldn't get past first, possibly second, time sex. I certainly wouldn't move in with them and still be there 2 years later!

And as for: When I first hooked up with him he was very porn-centric, dick-centric etc. Over time he has mellowed (for want of a better word). So much about our sex life has improved

Words fail me. I wouldn't get past first time, possibly second time, sex with someone like this. What is it that keeps you going back to someone who has so little regard or respect for women and treat them like a pet project?!

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2018 08:31

Stop the hand / blow jobs. Learnt behaviour is she'll get me off then I can roll over and go to sleep.

What is the rest of the relationship like and what does he say about it?

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2018 08:33

Esspee Flowers

daisychain01 · 13/03/2018 08:34

OP AIBU is full of posters that don't care or really think about how the respond.
Would have been better in Relationships
Thats shooting the messenger.

It doesn't matter which board the OP had posted this. The fact is they are with someone who's happy to take but giving isn't on his radar.. and people have given insightful comment that are being ignored.

Loonoon · 13/03/2018 08:57

If he prefers reaching orgasm by you wanking him off rather than penetrative sex it would suggest one of two things to me regardless of his culture or ethnicity. Either he's just not that into you or he is closeted gay, possibly in denial about this. Either way the future doesn't look look bright for a long term future with him.

PJsAndABlanketOnTheSofa · 13/03/2018 09:04

If he prefers reaching orgasm by you wanking him off rather than penetrative sex it would suggest one of two things to me regardless of his culture or ethnicity. Either he's just not that into you or he is closeted gay, possibly in denial about this.

I disagree. I think that there are very few men nowadays who are 'closet gay'. I think it's far more likely that he is a heavy porn user and spends a lot of time wanking and that's all that works for him now.

That and lying back whilst someone wanks you off is far less effort than PIV! He might just be lazy.

calistaall · 13/03/2018 09:05

Loon a lot of people don't orgasm from PIV.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2018 09:10

daisychain01 no it isn't. AIBU is notorious for people not giving a shit about what the poster is asking. The OP would have had more sensible responses had she posted in Relationships rather than this bear pit.

Loonoon · 13/03/2018 10:03

I agree with people saying that many men don't orgasm from PIV, but that doesn't mean they don't enjoy PIV for intimacy and then finish off manually. And I would disagree that there aren't many not out gay men now, there are a lot still around and an awful lot of them are from BME cultures where there is still shame and stigma attached to homosexuality.

Trinity66 · 13/03/2018 10:08

Would be a deal breaker for me tbh especially when you're only 2 years in

JosephWearsNoPants · 13/03/2018 10:33

I'm shocked its considered normal for a man not to orgasm from PIV
yes some dont but is it normal?! surely it's a sign of a problem?

JosephWearsNoPants · 13/03/2018 10:35

I would be turned off if he preferred or needed hands or oral to orgasm. it sounds so unnatural of thats the preferred or only way to orgasm FOR A MAN.

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 13/03/2018 10:38

That’s what I was thinking, Joseph

LeighaJ · 13/03/2018 10:42

I don't know why anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care or even seem to think at all about their partner's sexual needs.

It doesn't sound like you two have communicated much about the problems either. 🙈

Trinity66 · 13/03/2018 10:45

I'm shocked its considered normal for a man not to orgasm from PIV
yes some dont but is it normal?! surely it's a sign of a problem?

Is it though? I don't think that's the "norm" either

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 13/03/2018 10:54

I don’t think that it is the norm for men to need finishing off via foreplay in the same way women do. However DH and I are abnormal in this regard. I love PIV and orgasm no bother many times. He needs more work and always has done.

So I believe there are of course cultural expectations to sex lives (I would say in the main all cultures around sex are predominantly male centric) just as there are anatomical norms but ultimately relationships are about compatibility and that is where yours falls down OP.