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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move even though my children don't want to

91 replies

Brian9600 · 21/02/2018 13:04

DH and I don't really like where we live- it's a nice area but a bit suburban for us (we moved here- zone 3- from central London).

I would really like to move more centrally, I know my DH would as well but the children (13 and 12) are dead set against it. I think it's mainly just because they want to stick with what they know but TBF the move would be worse in some ways for them (smaller garden, further from school and friends- although TBF I'd probably still give them a lift, smaller bedrooms) whereas it would be better for DH and me (much shorter commutes, an area that suits us more, closer to friends and more going on).

WWYD? Like all parents I want my children to be happy but I also feel fed up that DH and I are stuck somewhere we don't like and that it's not unreasonable to prioritise ourselves.

OP posts:
frenchfancy · 21/02/2018 13:09

Yabu. A family should be a team. Making big changes that only the adults want just so you can be closer to your friends and happenings. Different if they were little, but I think teens opinons should be considered if possible.

It would be different if you had to move but you don't.

dantdmistedious · 21/02/2018 13:15

I think it's unfair on the kids tbh.

Pickleypickles · 21/02/2018 13:16

Sorry but i think YABU. You said in your OP that it would make your lives easier (friends, commute etc) and your childrens lives harder (further from friends and school and small bedrooms/garden)

Maybe look if there is a middle ground that suits all but i think moving house to make your life easier and your childrens harder is selfish.

Els1e · 21/02/2018 13:19

I would stay where you are for now. The kids are settled at school, have good friendships and that’s important. In 6 years or so, the kids will be more independent and you will be able to move.

Bramble71 · 21/02/2018 13:20

Ultimately, the decision has to be made by you and your husband. You are the ones paying the bills, making the long commute every day etc. Of course, take the kids views into consideration regarding the actual house when you start looking, but I don't think you can allow your kids to dictate where you live. Yes, they will have to change schools, but they'll soon make new friends and there will be much more for them to do.

Darkstar4855 · 21/02/2018 13:22

YANBU, kids are adaptable and IMO it’s more important they have happy relaxed parents. If you have shorter commutes then that means more time at home and more energy to do things with them. They don’t even have to change school.

Original poster
Brian9600 · 21/02/2018 13:22

Thanks, all. Kids won't have to change schools- they will just have a slightly longer journey (20 mins in the car not 10).

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/02/2018 13:24

The middle ground I suspect is waiting until they are both 18 and making the move then

And really you are making Zone 3 sound like you are stranded somewhere that is far away from anywhere - whereas you are what 30 minutes away from central london and far more able to. With the greatest respect you kind of sound like a spolit child who is made to go that little bit further on the train

So really what is your commute now - 30/40 minutes
How much would you have to sacrifice in terms of space to move more centrally as well

mygrandchildrenrock · 21/02/2018 13:26

We moved when our youngest were 5 & 8, we didn't ask them about the move at all, but did include them in discussions about it.
However, when we were thinking of moving again when they were 10 & 13 they very clearly let us know their feelings, which we took into account and didn't make another move!

CupOfJoe · 21/02/2018 13:26

YANBU I never understand why people let the kids decide this kind of thing.

HollyBayTree · 21/02/2018 13:27

You lost me at zone 3 being suburban - I'd call that 'inner city'.
And again at car travel in London. Get them an oyster.

NotSoSprightly · 21/02/2018 13:28

YANBU in the slightest. You're paying the mortgage.

When your children are grown up and paying the bills, that will be their time to decide.

OutyMcOutface · 21/02/2018 13:29

Assuming that you aren't sending them away to school they will probably want to move more centrally in a he next few years anyway-how many teenagers actually want a garden in the first place? Theatres, art galleries, concert venues etc. On the other hand are all very fun for teenagers.

ShatnersWig · 21/02/2018 13:29

My parents did this to me. Had a lovely old house, big garden, centre of our small town, convenient to everything - seven minute walk to the bus stop for secondary school. The house was dirty cheap at the time because it was in an appalling state. Dad was a builder. It was a shell for years. My room was the whole attics, the second room done up after the lounge and I adored it. It was fab, loved the fact I went to my room every time by three storey ladder! I was incredibly happy there.

Then they decided to move to the outskirts in a more modern house. I hated the house. The tiny garden. My tiny room. The 25 minute walk to and from the bus stop every day. Or to go into the centre. Further away from friends. A year later I got depression and was in a dreadful state, basically because I was so unhappy.

They knew I didn't like the house when we visited. There was never a question of looking at another one.

AnnabelleLecter · 21/02/2018 13:30

Yanbu. Go where it suits you, looks from your post that school isn't changing, even so DC will adapt and make friends wherever they are and could have sleepovers. In a short time they may prefer an area with more going on. Smaller bedrooms for DC and garden wouldn't be a strong enough argument for me.

OutyMcOutface · 21/02/2018 13:31

And I don't think you are being spoilt London is horrible. It's one thing if your live centrally because you benefit from all the bestbit had to offer without enduring too much travelbon public transport but in zone three you get all the dirt and noise but you may as well be living outside of London re travel time for stuff that people actually want to see.

Original poster
Brian9600 · 21/02/2018 13:36

PMSL at being called a "spoilt child" because I have an opinion about where I live Grin The commute is more an issue for DH than me as he works very long hours. Both of us dislike the area we live in though (although objectively it is a nice area)- just a bit boring.

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 21/02/2018 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Brian9600 · 21/02/2018 13:39

Outy, that's it exactly. And I really love being in central London- I find it very energising and buzzy whereas here it isn't anything like that.

I feel like poor Virginia Woolf when she had to go and live in Richmond Wink

OP posts:
Thymeout · 21/02/2018 13:40

Do you always give them a lift to school? There are so many buses in London and free travel for under 16s. Everyone I know gets themselves to secondary school. What happens when one or other of them stays on late for after-school activities?

At their age, they will have a social life, too. Probably more important than yours. They need to be close to their friends or they will be left out of ad hoc arrangements.

I agree with others. Wait a few years till they are more independent.

Standardpubquizname · 21/02/2018 13:44

When did you last move? Its possible that your DC don't want to do another move so soon after

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 13:45

YANBU

Your kids don't get to decide something like that. That's why you also have adults in a family

Original poster
Brian9600 · 21/02/2018 13:49

SPQN- nearly 6 years ago.

OP posts:
IdRatherHaveABowlOfCocoPops · 21/02/2018 13:49

i'd move, the kids will get to stay in the same school and see their friends still. assume they'll be able to use public transport to go meet them at the weekend or vice versa. you're the adults if you want to move and it's better for you then do so.

3EyedRaven · 21/02/2018 13:49

YANBU in the slightest. You're paying the mortgage.
When your children are grown up and paying the bills, that will be their time to decide

The alternate view to this is that they didn’t ask to be born, if you want to make decisions without factoring in the feelings of your children, you shouldn’t have had them, particularly in this case where your gain is effectively their loss.

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