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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move even though my children don't want to

91 replies

Brian9600 · 21/02/2018 13:04

DH and I don't really like where we live- it's a nice area but a bit suburban for us (we moved here- zone 3- from central London).

I would really like to move more centrally, I know my DH would as well but the children (13 and 12) are dead set against it. I think it's mainly just because they want to stick with what they know but TBF the move would be worse in some ways for them (smaller garden, further from school and friends- although TBF I'd probably still give them a lift, smaller bedrooms) whereas it would be better for DH and me (much shorter commutes, an area that suits us more, closer to friends and more going on).

WWYD? Like all parents I want my children to be happy but I also feel fed up that DH and I are stuck somewhere we don't like and that it's not unreasonable to prioritise ourselves.

OP posts:

Munosamunos · 21/02/2018 13:49

Are they able to call for their friends now? Or have them come round easily? Is that important to them? We moved 2 miles 'down the road' and I'm afraid they are quite socially isolated out of school because no one can just pop round. If yours would be able to travel easily independently, I guess it might not be a problem though.

ReelingLush18 · 21/02/2018 13:50

Wondering whether you moved for better secondary school choices, in which case YABU. Why did you move in the first place if you didn't like 'surburban'?

FWIW some Zone 3 areas are pretty suburban, I think, particularly in SW London!

Munosamunos · 21/02/2018 13:50

^sorry, should have re - read . I wasn't clear - 'they' are my children after I talk about us moving!

MichaelBendfaster · 21/02/2018 13:52

YANBU. End of the day, you and your DH pay for the house. And (assuming you don't move before this), the kids will leave at some point but you will carry on living there.

I know EXACTLY what you mean about Virginia Woolf. 'If it must be death or Richmond, I choose death.' It's better for your kids to have parents who are happy and fulfilled than bored and neurotic in the suburbs.

AnathemaPulsifer · 21/02/2018 13:52

You should have thought of this before you moved last time. Now I think your kids have the right to want to be near their friends - distance is far more limiting for them than for you. Not long until you can live where you like - you could ask again in a couple bore years or they'll be grown up in 6!

Original poster

Brian9600 · 21/02/2018 13:53

Reeling, no we didn't- they're at an independent school and started there when we still lived centrally. Absolutely agree about zone 3 being pretty suburban- that's the problem.

OP posts:

f83mx · 21/02/2018 13:54

FFS she's not saying the kids are 'making the decision' but why wouldn't OP consider how they feel - they're not babies they're teenagers (almost). On balance though impact on their life sounds like it would be minimal - they can stay at same school, see friends as regularly etc so I would make the move - different question if it was more disruptive perhaps, although ultimately still your decision of course as the parents/adults.

HollyBayTree · 21/02/2018 13:54

I feel like poor Virginia Woolf when she had to go and live in Richmond

To be fair, back in 1941 when she died, Richmond was in the back of beyond

ShellyBoobs · 21/02/2018 13:55

YANBU.

Go for it if it's what you and DH want.

It's not up to your children where they live.

Quartz2208 · 21/02/2018 13:55

So if its an extra 10 minutes in the car how much does that knock off commutes etc and really add in terms of being in the buzz.

I admit I was harsh in the spoilt child comment but it was really saying that you are looking at throwing huge amounts of money at moving because at the moment you feel your life lacks a buzz.

Whereas if its simply an extra 10 minutes in the car for your children how far are you away now. I live in the outskirts of zone 6 and whereas yes its is very suburbia it takes 30 minutes to get into London and to the theatre and to bars, the "buzzy" area as you call it

HollyBayTree · 21/02/2018 13:55

Absolutely agree about zone 3 being pretty suburban

I'm crying laughing at this. I'd call it inner city. Suburban indeed !

Munosamunos · 21/02/2018 13:58

@Quartz2208, we are about to move to Zone 6 from elsewhere in the country and I'm relieved to hear your experience, which is why we've chosen it!

GabsAlot · 21/02/2018 13:59

surburban zone 3 thats hilarious

try moving from central london to essex now thats a culture shock

whiteroseredrose · 21/02/2018 14:03

I'd wait till they leave school. You can hop in a car to see friends at the drop of a hat. I assume at the moment they can walk to friends. If you move they'll be stuck unless you take them.

Italianherbgarden · 21/02/2018 14:09

you'll end up with all their friends at yours every weekend because you live closer in to the more exciting stuff - if that's fine and the trade off of you and DH having a more exciting life then why not?

You're not making them change schools - if they had to change schools it'd be much more of a big deal.

QuizzlyBear · 21/02/2018 14:09

Personally given their ages I'd wait 5-6 years and make the move when the youngest is 18. That way you're prioritising yourselves at a time when your kids are ready to start taking responsibility for their own lives.

Until then they're kids and their happiness is still your responsibility. Just my view...

MacaroniPenguin · 21/02/2018 14:14

It's more going on for you in the centre, but is it more going on for them or do their friendship group hang out in zone 3?

My parents moved us from town to village when I was 12 and that was a tough move for me. I knew no one there, didn't go to school locally so didn't get to meet anyone, it was miserable. Now moving to central London is a totally different proposition of course, but if it's moving them away from their friends and not furnishing them with many opportunities to make new ones then it could still be isolating for them.

You're right that you pay the mortgage so it's ultimately your decision but I would try to find a location that works for you all. If they are just whinging about smaller bedrooms then carry on, but I bet there's more to it than that.

nickEcave · 21/02/2018 14:15

For those of you saying move house when the children are 18, I work with university students and one of the most stressful things for students in their first few years at university is when parents move (usually into a smaller property) the second the children are out the door.

AnathemaPulsifer · 21/02/2018 14:18

More stressful than moving when they're teens living at home? I doubt it. I'd always keep a room for my kids though, if i could afford it.

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 14:19

In 6 months they could both have changed their minds. By 16 they'll hate you for not living somewhere more glamorous!

That's why you get to make the decisions. If you want to move, move. I actually think your kids are being quite selfish (which is normal, they're kids!)

farangatang · 21/02/2018 14:21

Gosh - when I read the thread title I thought you were talking about moving cities or countries!

Go for it if you feel it will be worth it - anything that gives you a shorter commute will have a huge impact on your well-being: happy parents help make happy kids.

Their journey will only be 10 minutes longer to school - if you're happy to drive them, I imagine you're also happy to take them to socialise with friends etc... Unless the kids use the garden regularly, will they really miss it? Are you happy for them to give their feedback on a potential new home - if they're involved in some of the decisions, it could make the experience more palatable for them.

What other benefits will they get from the move? sell it to them - pre-teens/teens are notoriously attached to peers and resistant to change - they need to have incentives and also have any fears about losing friends etc... allayed. They are entitled to their opinion and their concerns, but you are the parents, and not only is it your job to make the final decisions (let's face it - they will likely be moving out once they finish school!) but also to help them with any adjustments that are beyond their control. Your kids' opinions and feelings are important but they should not, imho, be the deciding factor if you are that unhappy where you are!

italianherbgarden · 21/02/2018 14:23

blimey, can't move when they're 18 either? I do wonder about today's snowflakes, I boarded and my parents moved many times when I was 15-18 so that by the last year of A levels there wasn't a room that was mine at all. At what point are parents allowed to move? When the DC are 30 and having their first GDC?

f83mx · 21/02/2018 14:29

@nickEcave

one of the most stressful things for an adult university student is their parents moving house..... ? what are they stressing about, genuinely interested.... not having a bedroom or what?

juneau · 21/02/2018 14:30

YANBU for feeling the way you do, but then neither are your kids. I think I'd stay until they've finished secondary school, but if you still want to move back to zone 1 at that point then I think you should, as once they're adults then it's up to them to make the life they want. But for now, as a parent of DC aged 12 & 13, I think it's fair to listen to their concerns and take them into consideration. Home and bedrooms are important at that age. As an adult you just sleep in your bedroom, but as a teen I remember spending hours up there, just to get some space from my DPs!

ReelingLush18 · 21/02/2018 14:32

HollyBayTree Do you live in Zone 3 though? I have done so for all the time I've had a family, and I regard it as very surburban by London standards. And that's said despite fully acknowledging that I'm no longer the 'happening' twentysomething I was!

If the DC can carry on at the same school as they're currently at, I don't see why moving is a particular issue for them??? I agree that teens are notoriously change-averse, so will be loathe to move given the choice. It's not really an issue in terms of friendships and meeting up. Frankly it's often quicker to visit friends in different zones than those "just down the road" (in the same borough), depending on how good the transport links are. And it's good to encourage teens to start being able to navigate public transport too.

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