To move even though my children don't want to

[Brian9600]

DH and I don't really like where we live- it's a nice area but a bit suburban for us (we moved here- zone 3- from central London).

I would really like to move more centrally, I know my DH would as well but the children (13 and 12) are dead set against it. I think it's mainly just because they want to stick with what they know but TBF the move would be worse in some ways for them (smaller garden, further from school and friends- although TBF I'd probably still give them a lift, smaller bedrooms) whereas it would be better for DH and me (much shorter commutes, an area that suits us more, closer to friends and more going on).

WWYD? Like all parents I want my children to be happy but I also feel fed up that DH and I are stuck somewhere we don't like and that it's not unreasonable to prioritise ourselves.

although TBF I'd probably still give them a lift

You’d ‘probably’ give them a lift? After moving them away from their friends? How generous.

Your children are only a few years away from driving age and moving out. You can move then. You can cope with a few years surely?

How far away are you from the tube? I really think it wouldn’t be fair to downsize for the sake of a few minutes less commute. Surely you can still easily meet up with friends where you are? It’s not as if you are hours away.

Yabu. Wait until they have finished school then move. It's not that long. We moved based more on our children's needs than our own (schooling, more space etc).

You’d ‘probably’ give them a lift? I would expect that by the time you've got 12 and 13 year olds they should be learning to navigate public transport on their own?

Zone 3 is totally inner city. I lived in Streatham for a while. That's zone 3. That is NOT suburbia! It's not central London, but it's only 20 mins away on the train or tube from Tooting. Not sure where you are, but Surbiton is suburbia. Even Ealing is inner city for me. Anywhere with street after street of terraces is inner city.

Suburbia is when you get more detached houses and driveways for cars.

Anyway that's my definition!

As for moving, I'd want to do it before they got anywhere near GCSE years. Once they're on year 10 (year 9 in some schools where GCSE courses start early - does this also happen in the independent sector?) you can't move for a bit. Same goes for year 12. So if you are going to do it it has to be now.

My parents moved when I was in my GCSE year but the house was the same distance from my school and on a direct bus route so it was better located. But it was a smaller house, though my bedroom was probably about the same size. But my father used to do what he decreed was happening, and my mum and I didn't get a say.

I think you have to consult your kids and get their views but ultimately you are the adults and you have to take a view on what's best for the family as a whole.

Still think 20 mins from central London is more than ok, though.

That's strange because the rows of terraces and semis equate to surburbia to my mind (and make me think of places like Ilford)! I think Streatham is more edgy and (inner London) than many other parts of Zone 3 SW London though.

Clearly surburbia means different things to different people.

I need to know where this zone 3 hellhole is!
We moved from Central London to zone 5 2 years ago for a garden and parking. It’s not my dream location but it suits our family better. If I were you, I’d stay put until your children go off to college and then move back into town.

we lived in wood green about 15 years - loooong suburban streets with not much going on, on the way up to bounds green. Haven't been back in years!

Somethingnasty, it’s not a hellhole at all- objectively speaking, it’s very nice. Just a bit dull. If it were a hellhole the decision would be easy

Someone wanted advice on here a few days ago about moving her teenagers from London to Cambridge. I suggested that the kids would probably want to attack her with a rusty fork. This is massively different though. Can't you wait til they leave home for the "buzz"? No commute in London can be that long, surely.

Another one here who read the thread title and assumed we were talking about uprooting kids hundreds of miles away or even abroad. We're talking ten minutes extra in the car to school and they may have to hop on a bus to visit friends. It hardly counts as hardship, does it?

Did you not get a choice in where you lived when you bought the house you're in now then OP?

Well, that’s what I think too, Lostkeys. I’ve been really surprised by how many people are shocked that I would consider it (although thanks to all for replying- it’s good to read different perspectives).

For those who’ve asked, the commute is about 50 mins door to door as it’s a shlep to the tube. I don’t mind too much as I work partly from home but it’s shit for DH who does crazy hours. When we last discussed moving, last year, he made clear that he thought he was being treated as the least important person in the household, which obviously made me feel quite shit.

BM, yes of course. I think we underestimated how much we’d dislike being so far out (and before anyone says zone 3 isn’t far out, these things are relative).

Oh, start househunting. You could wait until they have done their GCSEs then A Levels, then degree, then started a family of their own and finally and moved out.

Or you could move now, when all that will really change is they will have a happier DF and a slightly longer trip to and from school. Unlike round here I think London has an infrastructure that includes buses and at their ages they can get used to using them, can't they?

Happy hunting

Someone wanted advice on here a few days ago about moving her teenagers from London to Cambridge My teens thought Cambridge very provincial when I tried to introduce them to its delights!

When I lived in London everyone's commute seemed to be about an hour so 50 mins doesn't sound shit at all, and many many parents take on longer commutes than that to live in "family" areas with decent schools, so I think your DH is being a tad dramatic. But it sounds like you both dislike the area anyway and you only have one life to live.

I wonder if moving closer to a tube station would solve most of the issue though.

That’s a good point, MP- we have thought about that. Only downside is the money- it would mean moving twice (as once the DC are out of school, we’ll definitely want to leave the area) so ridiculous stamp duty.

Cambridge IS very provincial, especially if you've spent your whole life in London! I could completely understand teenagers not wanting to do that.

I can't get my head round anyone thinking a door to door 50 minute commute is excessive, I'd have bitten anyone's hand off for that throughout most of my working life.

Yes its the stamp duty that will cost a fortune particularly if you are planning on moving again in 6 years time.

50 minutes is not a long commute for London standards by any means

Fair enough on the stamp duty.

I think it depends what the distances are too and partly where you are. Would you just move a couple of stops closer in along the tube or move to a very different part of town? Because that has a big impact on how accessible the children's friends will be. Also it would be nice if they could keep up out of school stuff and friends in your current location. If they are currently at private school does that mean their friends are spread over a wide-ish area anyway?.

Is it not good for the kids to learn that change happens?

Why are kids even being asked?

Why are kids even being asked?
Presumably because it’s their home too. Ultimate decision obviously lies with adult, but it’s nice to consider the opinions of everyone who it will affect.

It’s tricky. I would listen to them, take them seriously.

However I think you have to make this decision ultimately, considering the effects on them, from a wise perspective.

They will be more isolated from their friends and that’s important.