Quite fucked off with dh shouting

[restofthetimes]

Dh shouts fairly often, has a quick temper but normally calms down fast.
I have asked him not to be unkind in front of his mother as I feel about half an inch tall when he does this because I can’t really stick up for myself - she takes his side immediately.
Yesterday he shouted at me that he couldn’t do something I’d asked him to do to help out (tiny job) and his mum was there. We all left for the day but I told him later I was I unhappy this happened. He totally denied that he had shouted, and claims to have spoken normally.
This is just not true. There is a big back story (of course, we’re a married couple), which does involve dv (unacknowledged by him), but I thought we had moved on.
Aibu to keep pressing for him to admit this shouting, or should I just leave it.
Don’t want to ltb, as I’ve made decision to make our marriage work.

Sounds like he could do with some communication counselling, with you, to recognise that this isn’t appropriate behaviour. Is this something he’d be open to?
Honestly I want to tell you that you deserve so much better, you deserve to be treated with nothing but respect and to LTB but you’ve said that’s not an option.

He’s abusive.

You’re going to stay with him.

I wouldn’t push it in case he gets more abusive, he has no consequences for his actions and won’t be changing unless for the worse I should think.

He is vey supportive and kind in many ways. If he could just say, yep sorry I shouted at you - I was in a hurry/stressed whatever, I would definitely move on. But saying I’m wrong/lying makes me feel so bad.

I know I have very little confidence, this has been throughout my life right from childhood. Don’t think leaving him make my confidence any better – and it would make all our lives worse in many ways .

Next time he shouts, just record him secretly on your phone (using voice recorder or your phone video camera) don't let him know he is being recorded so that you will catch the genuine shouting and not a reaction to being recorded, also when recording him no matter how much he shouts just reply in a normal tone back...

Then when everything has calmed down later in the day and he is denying he shouted show/play him the recording, and let him see how he really sounds when he's shouting at you, it might open his eyes over how his behaviour really looks to others

This makes me feel so sad.
You want to work on your marriage but he won’t acknowledge that there was/is dv?

Have you spoken to anyone about this? Maybe a call to women’s aid just for someone to talk things over with

Video him next time

He's the one that needs to work on making things better, not you.

Supportive and kind men don't shout at their wives like this. Also there is never any violence. Ever.

Why are you so invested in making this work?

This is totally not on. But sadly he is very unlikely to improve. Have you had counselling yourself?

Do you have children? How does he treat them?

How would you feel if your daughter was married to a man like him?

You deserve respect at all times in a relationship.

You've made the decision to make your marriage work - but has he? You can't do it all on your own. That just shows him he can behave however the hell he likes with impunity.

He was abusive and hasn't even acknowledged that? His mum sounds like a piece of work too.

You might have made the decision to work on your marriage but he’s still abusive! Working on your marriage doesn’t mean he’s not abusive.

To be honest it's pretty much irrelevant what you think. He is a violent domestic abuser, he isn't going to change.

You won't leave, so the safest option is probably to develop a set of appeasement strategies in order to minimise the risks of physical harm.

Alternatively, leave.

Sounds like my exh. Threatened leave him several times before l actually did and for a while the hitting stopped and he would make a big thing of the fact he didn't hit me anymore as though controlling this urge was doing me a big favour. But the shouting continued and eventually would always lead to him following through with physical violence.
Some people are just 'shouty' and my current dh is a bit like this but unlike with my exh l know l can call him on it and/or tell him to stfu.
When it is a precursor to physical violence (or has been in the past) as with your 'd' h then that is very different. He is gaslight in you too and seems determined hang on to this part of abusing you. I'd bet my last penny he says 'but l don't hit you anymore' as if you should be grateful.
You shouldn't! ! Leave him and his toxic mother to shout at each other is my advice.

Oh op. He's abusive and never going to change. You are the only one working on your marriage, by effectively shutting up and putting up with it.

This will go on forever. Only you can decide if you're willing to put up with it.

Does he acknowledge the DV was an issue? How long is it since he last hit you? (It's actually quite painful writing those words.)

Why would he need to acknowledge that his behaviour was unacceptable? People normally apologise when they know they're wrong because it helps the relationship. He knows you're not going to leave, regardless of what he does or says. so why would he need to apologise?

OP, he won't change, regardless of whether you work on the marriage or not. And what does working on the marriage mean? Appeasement? Sucking it up?

I left someone after 3 decades. Abusive being the main reason. I have low self esteem, my DCs have mental health issues stemming from our previous life, and while we will get better, I regret that I didn't leave sooner.

Your DH will get worse, there's nothing like a pregnancy to prove to an abuser that you're trapped. Don't bring any DCs be into this relationship, they will suffer.

My exDH was like this. To others, he appeared to be great fun, laid back and very easy-going. I was the one who he managed to make appear like an up-tight and controlling stress-monster, which is definitely not the case. It used to screw my head up when he denied the dv and crazy abuse, although in his case it was always fuelled by alcohol and it may have been the case that he genuinely didn't remember some of it. If I tried to remind him later, he would just dismiss it by saying something along the lines of "oh that - it was ages ago. Why are you still going on about it now?" or "I can't remember any of this, are you sure that you didn't dream it up?" which used to make me feel even worse.

How on earth I tolerated that level of abuse, gaslighting and living in fear of his alcohol consumption, I have no idea. I was completely unable to leave and would never have admitted to anyone (even now) about the way he could behave behind closed doors.

I am eternally grateful to the OW (although I still despise her completely) who he ran off with. Apparently, she saw the light and divorced him a few years down the line. I laughed my socks off at that news.
You deserve better than this. If he refuses to go to counselling, would you be able to talk openly to your GP about the situation especially if you have the same GP? At least they would be aware of the problem. The suggestion by a PP of you having counselling yourself is a really good idea. I wish that I had been able to access such a service as it would have helped and increased my sense of self-worth and levels of confidence.

Good luck

The DV was quite complicated and all centred around when I was pregnant/a new mum and was being ‘hard to handle’. I think he knows in his heart his reactions (preventing me from leaving the room/pinning me down/sometimes pushing and hitting) were out of line. He did once spend a night in the cells when I called the police, and its been pretty much non existent since then.
He is like a child, more than an abuser, imo.
We went to relate a while ago, but I was honestly so exhausted with a newborn, I just wanted to stop going.

Its really not complicated
The abuse was unacceptable; you should seriously consider leaving him. He has potential to be violent to you again or to be violent to your child.

If he is not acknowledging he is a violent physically abusive man, then he's hardly likely to see a bit of shouting as the crime of the century here is he now?

You need to make big changes. Whether that is sooner rather than later, or before he slaps you or your child around is really up to you, or you can spend the rest of your days appeasing this oaf.

The DV was quite complicated and all centred around when I was pregnant/a new mum and was being ‘hard to handle’

Jesus. Get the fuck out of this relationship.

When you say "Pretty much non existent" what does that mean?

If it was just the shouting and bad temper, I'd suggest a hearing test, because my husband was both moody and shouty before he got his hearing loss diagnosed. However, he isn't and never has been violent. I think you are dealing with a much more serious problem I'm afraid.

So his violence peaked when you were physically and mentally at your most vulnerable, and he put your unborn baby at risk ?

Is he violent to your child as well?