Quite fucked off with dh shouting

[restofthetimes]

Dh shouts fairly often, has a quick temper but normally calms down fast.
I have asked him not to be unkind in front of his mother as I feel about half an inch tall when he does this because I can’t really stick up for myself - she takes his side immediately.
Yesterday he shouted at me that he couldn’t do something I’d asked him to do to help out (tiny job) and his mum was there. We all left for the day but I told him later I was I unhappy this happened. He totally denied that he had shouted, and claims to have spoken normally.
This is just not true. There is a big back story (of course, we’re a married couple), which does involve dv (unacknowledged by him), but I thought we had moved on.
Aibu to keep pressing for him to admit this shouting, or should I just leave it.
Don’t want to ltb, as I’ve made decision to make our marriage work.

[GabsAlot]

you want to stay with someone that abusive

thats your look out but you cant make someone change your wasting your time

[LearnFromThePast]

I am the daughter of an abuser. What happens when your child becomes ‘hard to handle.’

I have no contact with my father and very little with my mother as I blame her too. She failed me.

Counselling isn’t recommended with abusers. He won’t change, you can’t make him understand.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

And please don’t video him. If one thing is guaranteed to send him into a rage it’s the ‘betrayal’ of you showing him unequivocal evidence that he’s an awful person. Keep yourself safe until you’re ready to LTB

[Thehop]

Would you consider making an anonymous call to ss to report his abusive behaviour from the viewpoint of there being a child in the house? They would visit and put some support in place without it being you who asked for it?

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

The OP needs to come to terms with the fact she's in an abusive relationship which right now she isn't doing. Sadly no amount of telling her will make her decide to leave.
Hopefully she will get out before it's too late for her and her dc.

[SusannahL]

This is dreadful, really dreadful.

Op, whatever else you do today please read what every single person on here is saying to you.

You are living with an awful dangerous man, and you have an absolute duty to protect your child.

[goodbyestranger]

Yes but blaming pregnancy is so easy - the woman is clearly irrational.

It's all shockingly clear in retrospect OP. Everyone here is telling you what you may not see in perspective for years to come.

[WheresTheHooferDoofer]

OP, you were never hard to handle, that's just something your abuser came up with to justify the abuse.

[RabbityMcRabbit]

He won't ever acknowledge it, he is abusive and is gaslighting you and I'm afraid that won't change. My exh was similar. Why would he apologise? As a PP said, he has everything he wants

[AnathemaPulsifer]

You think in his heart he accepts the DV was out of line? Has he apologised? Actually said it was wrong?

The shouting wouldn't be ok in any case, but with a history of DV it's far too aggressive to be acceptable.

[restofthetimes]

I thought an abuser would sit there rubbing his hands and being pleased they were putting someone down or hurting them.
Dh plans to love me and to do things to show me that, I know. Things go wrong and he doesn’t react well. Then he denies it because I guess he doesn’t want to face it’s true.
He’s flawed, but so am I. He’s not plotting away to be a calculating git, I don’t think.

[restofthetimes]

Sorry I haven’t answered everybody’s questions, I have been working and so tired. I’m going to read all the responses tomorrow.

[pinkyredrose]

If you stay with this man then you are a bad mother, putting your desire to work him and his motives out, over and above your DC safety.

Please stop making excuses for him and open your eyes.

[FabbyChix]

He is a bully and likes intimidating you. Pretty sick especially in front of people

[EmiliaAirheart]

Firstly, I would question whether he seriously can't control himself. Has he abused random people on the street? At the supermarket? At work? No, he saves that for you because he knows you'll accept it.

But the more important point is, it doesn't matter why he behaves the way he does, what matters is that he abuses you. Full stop.

If you won't yet act to protect yourself, at least protect your child. Do you think your child will one day merrily skip off into adulthood, unscarred because their father 'planned' to love her and acted like a 'child'? Hell no! They'll be scarred from abuse, and it will most likely also destroy any chance of a decent relationship with you, because you didn't protect them from growing up in an abusive household.

[restofthetimes]

I hear what you are saying but I honestly don’t think roses will just come out if I leave. Dh will still be in dcs lives (not sure but he might even try to get full custody) it would be a battle ground.
I was failing at looking after myself properly before I met him, was basically anorexic and isolated. I don’t think I’d be a good mum to the kids in that state again, and can’t see any reason I’d suddenly be a sorted out superstar just because we split up.
I feel like they’ll suffer either way, yes I do fee sorry for them .

[lottiegarbanzo]

You're placing far too much emphasis on his motivation. Who cares what it is, whether he means it, what he'd prefer? You should not. What matters is what actually happens. What effect he has. What the impact is - on you and on your dcs.

[pinkyredrose]

Christ OP I've just read some of your old threads, why the fuck are you clinging onto this farce of a marriage? You started a thread about c-sections on 8th August 2016 and in that thread stated you were unhappy with your DH but wanted to work things out. Will you still be saying the same thing in 2020? All the while your children will be witnessing thier first experience of what an adult relationship looks like, they'll think this crap is normal. Is that what you want?

[lottiegarbanzo]

So you're basically saying 'the kids are fucked anyway, so they may as well endure the shouting, fear and violence'.

No, no and no.

Of course leaving wouldn't be easy and wouldn't solve everything. Clearly you need external help and support, whatever happens next. Please make an effort to find it, as a priority, for your dcs.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh and it's no surprise at all that someone like him chose someone as vulnerable and dependent as you say you were, when you met him.

Just remember, he can look after himself and actually, even if he can't, that is not your problem. You are not responsible for him. You cannot fix him. You do not have to bear the brunt of his behaviour just because he is 'flawed', or, because you are. Why would you being imperfect (as everyone is) condemn you to a life of suffering at another's hands? Why do you think you deserve such punishment? It makes no sense. Everyone is flawed. So what? So we do what we can do become our better selves.

We don't all prostrate ourselves in front of the nearest angry, controlling man. In fact, doing so could only serve to reduce your autonomy and decrease the chances of you becoming a whole and happy person yourself.

[Evenbetter]

This is horrific. You have a choice to stay with the abuser, your kids do not, forcing them to live in an abusive household is disgusting, sorry if you want tips on how to keep your abuser in his ‘nice guy’ facade cycle for a bit longer than usual.
My mother took years to leave her abuser, he damaged me for life. Then she chose to be with another one, different, but still damaging as fuck. You reap what you sow, I see my mother for maybe an hour a month and can’t bear to be around her bleating and denials. Choosing a man (and a really, really, really shit one) over your kids that you forced into existence is unjustifiable.

[Evenbetter]

Oh and you don’t get couseling with your abuser,
do the freedom course in person not online,
Don’t trip over yourself trying to get him to ‘understand’ or not abuse, it’s a waste of time

Etc.etc.

Your kids know what’s going on, trust me, and they’re learning lessons for life.

[Evenbetter]

If you have reported the scum’s violence before, the kids could have some protection when they’re made to see him, when they’re older they can choose whether or not to have that piece of shit in their lives. Save up for the therapy they’ll need, either way.

Sounds harsh, but I was forced to live with a martyr mother and her choices of abusers and I’m angry and damaged.

[LeighaJ]

Much like people who snore, many people who shout seem unwilling to acknowledge it. There are apps you can download to quietly record him, then play it back for him.