Quite fucked off with dh shouting

[restofthetimes]

Dh shouts fairly often, has a quick temper but normally calms down fast.
I have asked him not to be unkind in front of his mother as I feel about half an inch tall when he does this because I can’t really stick up for myself - she takes his side immediately.
Yesterday he shouted at me that he couldn’t do something I’d asked him to do to help out (tiny job) and his mum was there. We all left for the day but I told him later I was I unhappy this happened. He totally denied that he had shouted, and claims to have spoken normally.
This is just not true. There is a big back story (of course, we’re a married couple), which does involve dv (unacknowledged by him), but I thought we had moved on.
Aibu to keep pressing for him to admit this shouting, or should I just leave it.
Don’t want to ltb, as I’ve made decision to make our marriage work.

Why are you minimising his abuse?

Most abusers gaslight their victims by alternately being nice then abusive. This is how they manipulate them into staying. He is manipuating you. It is never your fault that he is violent towards you. This just doesn't happen in a normal functional relationship. Please think about your children and consider a life away from him.

Don’t think leaving him make my confidence any better – and it would make all our lives worse in many ways

Oh you couldn’t be more wrong...

Those poor kids. I feel incredibly sorry for them. An abusive father and a mother who thinks it's the best life for them.

He does not acknowledge the shouting to you, but believe me he knows fine well he is doing this. 'Supportive and kind in so many ways' - the ways he chooses. Shouting and then being nice is a choice and is part of the cycle of abuse - and it is called a cycle of abuse for a reason - it will never end. If you stay, your life and the life of your children will be one very long cycle of abuse - relief and hope being built up in the good parts probably long enough for you to feel things have changed and then it will be shattered by aggression/violene. You will blame yourself (because he is manipulating you to do so) and feel exhausted. Childre who grow up in an environment of dv could grow up to be bullies themselves or could grow up to be timid frightened people with no confidence. They will almost certainly however be damaged - as you are yourself. I am blunt because that is the reality. I once thought the exact same way as you and my exh abusive behaviour escalated massively during pregnancy. I left my abusive husband 4 years ago and I thank god every single day that I did this. My life is unrecognisable. The relief I feel is still so very potent. My daughter was a few months old at the time and she is happy, bubbly and confident - she will never know life with an abuser, but I had to be bloody brave to make sure this happened. I would still be with my exh if it weren't for her. I hope you can find a way to life a happy life - you only have one.