Quite fucked off with dh shouting

[restofthetimes]

Dh shouts fairly often, has a quick temper but normally calms down fast.
I have asked him not to be unkind in front of his mother as I feel about half an inch tall when he does this because I can’t really stick up for myself - she takes his side immediately.
Yesterday he shouted at me that he couldn’t do something I’d asked him to do to help out (tiny job) and his mum was there. We all left for the day but I told him later I was I unhappy this happened. He totally denied that he had shouted, and claims to have spoken normally.
This is just not true. There is a big back story (of course, we’re a married couple), which does involve dv (unacknowledged by him), but I thought we had moved on.
Aibu to keep pressing for him to admit this shouting, or should I just leave it.
Don’t want to ltb, as I’ve made decision to make our marriage work.

[mygorgeousmilo]

He sounds like an evil bastard! You want to make it work, but he doesn’t even acknowledge that he abused you??? You’re scared of your husband. Get out.

[elisenbrunnen]

So - this bully is violent (to a pregnant woman , dismissive to you, makes you feel 'half an inch high', shouts at you in front of people, ignores what you say...

BUT of course he is a kind and supportive 'child'?

Riiiight.

You have said you will not leave him. So you will stay.
And there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will make him change. Why would he? This is who he is. A violent abusive bully (with a police record of DV!) - and you just let him.

What about your children? What are you teaching them about how a real, loving relationship looks like? ('Cos this is NOT IT!)

[SendintheArdwolves]

He is like a child, more than an abuser

Well, no he is exactly like a textbook abuser - putting you down, violence, gaslighting, denying his actions, escalation of abuse during pregnancy, etc. When you called the police did they say "Ooh, this is more like the actions of a child than the actions of a criminal" or did they put him in the cells?

You seem to be falling into the classic trap of thinking "If I could just make him understand that his actions aren't OK, then he would stop". So you try to get him to admit that he shouts, admit that he puts you down, admit that he was aggressive, etc.

He won't stop. And trying to get him to agree with you that his actions are out of line is a waste of time. He feels entitled to treat you like this because it works out very well for him to have you scared and obedient and putting his needs before everyone else's in an attempt to make him treat you nicely.

Why would he change? What benefit would there be for him? He knows you aren't going to leave - you have "committed to making this marriage work". And he honestly doesn't care if you are miserable - as long as he gets what he wants, your feelings are a very low priority for him.

You need to leave him. He isn't going to change, except to get worse.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Stop making excuses for him! He's a violent, abusive and controlling swine.

You won't change him, so if you're not going to leave him you need to get used to his behaviour sadly.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

But you do know, you can't make this work on your own .......
This is a sad thread.

[PeaPodPopper]

He is vey supportive and kind in many ways. If he could just say, yep sorry I shouted at you - I was in a hurry/stressed whatever, I would definitely move on. But saying I’m wrong/lying makes me feel so bad

He shouldn't be shouting at you full stop OP. Don't accept it. It's abuse.

[apostropheuse]

Dear God listen to yourself woman! He's a violent abuser who assaulted you when you were pregnant and also after you had a baby. He doesn't acknowlwdge the abuse because he thinks it was acceptable, and you staying with him, in his sick mind, supports his twisted reality.

You're still being abused, as is your child who witnesses it.

You need to protect you and your child and leave him.

[newcarsmell]

Oh you have a child.

In that case, it's your responsibility to leave. You have no choice. It is your responsibility to keep your child safe and as long as you live with him, your child isn't safe. He's abusive so it's on you to look after your child's best interests.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I’ve made decision to make our marriage work.

Pity he hasn't. Then again, why should he? He gets to do what he likes, shout , hit you, control you.

The way you're minimising what he did to you is very frightening

[MistressDeeCee]

If he's verbally abusive and aggressive and you've made a decision to stay - you must know he isn't going to change. Particularly, not for you; he's no respect for you or himself so that's a done deal.

Its' a shame all you'll be able to do is put up and shut up but if you think so little of yourself that this type of distasteful man is worthy of being your life partner, then what's to do. Perhaps do work on yourself re why your life values are so askew.

[duckingfisaster]

You are minimising. You are condoning his behaviour & teaching you child it is ok to treat someone else with little or no respect. You are choosing to stay in an abusive relationship.

If you want to avoid future shouting and violence you should be meek, compliant and please him at every opportunity, also put up with his abuse, verbal and physical without complaint or consequences...OR NOT, because can you hear how ridiculous that sounds? But if you don’t want to leave him and you don’t want to be shouted at then it is your only option, which is very sad for you and your child. What he did before was unforgivable IMO.

[CherryMaDeary]

I would start by refusing to be around his mum or other family until he learns to control his temper.

Apart from that, you seem to have decided that he all you deserve or worth.

It does annoy me that these horrible men still have their wives / partners tolerating their behaviour and often running around after them.

The unforgivable thing is that's you perpetuate the abuse by letting your children grow up exposed to it.

[Huntinginthedark]

I think you're in serious denial and I would go to a therapist on your own and work things out for yourself with a neutral person

[Fishface77]

He’s An abuser and I feel sorry for your child.

[shinysinkredemption]

The only practical thing I can suggest, since you don't want to LTB, is ignore him whenever he gets shouty and aggressive. Don't give him any attention. Tell him he's being irrational and say you will talk to him when he's calmed down, then walk away from him. You'll probably get an earful - don't even reply. Say 'You're not making sense' if you have to say anything, then go out. Stay with parents or a friend if you need to, and let him rant and rave on his own. Anytime he starts getting antagonistic, even a whiff of it, tell him you're going out. You need to avoid his moods if you won't actually leave him, and I hope you can physically manage to do this even if it means driving round at night for a few hours. Of course he'll try and gaslight you, and you must not rise to it - don't even engage in a discussion if you feel he has got you on the back foot as people who gaslight are not rational and it's foolish to try to reason with them, all they want is the exchange of words and as many opportunities as possible to say mean things, put you down and mess with your head, even if what they say is clearly contradictory there's no point spelling it out to them as they just don't care. It's like trying to catch water.
Set your standards A LOT higher. If you are going to stay, you need to train him out of this behaviour by showing him that you won't be involved in his mind games.
You should get counselling for yourself.

[lottiegarbanzo]

You were 'hard to handle'? What are you, a farm animal? Penned in, controlled, 'handled' by your controller?

One person cannot 'make a marriage work'. You can capitulate to his demands or you can leave. You cannot change him. He isn't going to apologise to you because he doesn't respect you. He has no interest in changing.

Like a child - so has the emotional control of a child but is bigger, stronger and louder than you and believes you are here to serve him and can be attacked when you fail to do so on his terms. That's more scary and unsafe than someone with the capacity to control their emotions, not less.

What do you do when he shouts at and attacks your child?

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

You can’t make a decision to make your marriage work on your own. This is not a marriage working, it is you trying not to poke the bear because you don’t want him to get angry. As your child grows up they will also have to learn any appeasement strategies you come up with. It’s not a healthy environment for any of you to live in.

I know it’s hard to imagine life outside of this, but the situation you’ve described is so much worse than you seem to realise. Only once you’re out of it will you be able to feel the difference. When you’re not walking on eggshells, waiting for the next thing to set him off.

The police don’t just take people in because they said a mean thing, for him to have been arrested they saw abusive behaviour and the fact that he’s changed since then, so did he. The fact that he still doesn’t admit to it tells you all you need to know. He’s not sorry, he thinks you over reacted and that he’s a stand-up guy and because his intimidation is now more verbal than physical you should be glad.

FWIW I just left a 5 year relationship with an angry disrespectful man who was a 5/10 compared to your 8/10 bastard. It’s not easy but don’t wait until he’s a 10/10 abuser to leave - the damage has already been done, mentally to you and your DC by then. Or you end up in hospital when his rage comes out again.

The only acceptable level of fear and abuse in any relationship is none. Don’t try to flog this dead horse because of some notion that your marriage vows are sacred. He’s not loving, honouring, cherishing you. Fuck him.

[Shannith]

This was me 8 months ago. Never posted about it but read through lots of threads like this and eventually the scales dropped from my eyes.

I'm no snowflake but slowly realised I had spent the last two years treading on eggshells and hiding in my own home.

You are married and have so many rights. I wasn't but still had plenty (we have a Dd)

Tried mediation. Opened my eyes when the very professional and neutral mediator told him more than once "you can't speak to her like that."

I left. Massive decision.

I told him I would record him every time he got like that. That shut him up.

I was lucky that my mum told me my cousin had been through two emotionally abusive marriages and got out.

She is now married to one of the nicest men I have ever met and is so happy it gave me such hope.

I talked his actions through with her and she made me see how wrong it was.

I realised my choices were to live like this forever or leave.

He would also shout at me in front of Dd and she started to parrot him back.

Mummy is so stupid, mummy is a ducking idiot. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Mummy used to run a department of over 100 people, was a board director and earned 6 figures.

And was more senior than her dad. Of course I have never said this to her but I slowly started to remember and compare that to the scared person he made me.

Life is different. I had to downsize and leave my beautiful family home.

But I live free of fear and set a good role model to Dd. And that is worth more than anything.

You are worth more than this. It's not an easy process and I'm still not by anyway sorted but you only get one shot at this life.

Start talking to people. I found the Samaritons really helpful as I really thought I was going mad. There is much more support out there than I could ever imagine than when I was living in my bubble of fear and appeasement.

It is not easy. I have had more bad days than good. But at least I have good ones now.

[shinysinkredemption]

I'd also suggest he knows full well that his behaviour is out of order and probably despises himself for it - but being told off for it makes him feel bad, and shouting is his release valve, and so the circle continues. I could be wrong but toddler/parent interaction can get into the same negative spiral. Maybe this is why his mum doesn't tell him to stop, chances are he's been a little shit all his life, and she knows having a go at him gets you precisely nowhere. So just ignore ignore ignore.
I don't mean to sound trite, it's a dreadful situation but I hope you can start to feel more in control if you have some coping mechanisms.

[GinIsIn]

What about when he starts to push and pin down your child? Will they just be “two children” then? Please don’t think this is the life you have to have.

[goodbyestranger]

Don’t think leaving him make my confidence any better – and it would make all our lives worse in many ways .

This is an almost universal theme. It will be far, far better to leave him not stay, and when you're settled you'll properly appreciate why. A lot of people on this thread have been there, done that and while it's incredibly hard to leave, it's overwhelmingly worthwhile. Easier for your child to insist he leaves, with police and legal help if necessary. This can only escalate, it only ever does.

[CherryMaDeary]

Shannith. so glad you left him. How is life for him now?

And we're you able to go back to your career?

[CherryMaDeary]

Rogue apostrophe in were.

[LunchBoxPolice]

He’s An abuser and I feel sorry for your child
Same

[TheFaerieQueene]

Please don’t bring your children up in this environment. It is so damaging. Don’t fool yourself they won’t be affected by this, they will. A stable home with you alone is much much more healthy.