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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP lending me money

92 replies

ItsBeenSnowingForFourDays · 20/02/2018 17:51

I am currently on holiday with DP. We live together, no DCs.

We are both self employed so, as happened to me, payments often don’t come in as you expect.

Before we left I explained to DP that a payment I was expecting was going to be delayed by a week & could he therefore lend me some money (we often do this). Previously we have just deposited some funds into each other’s account.

He said - no problem, we are partners.

We have been away 4 days but he hasn’t transferred anything. He has given me some change but is just paying for everything.

This morning I needed some panty liners & had to ask for some coins.

I just feel a bit shit, completely beholden. I’ve been skipping lunch etc because I don’t want him to pay for everything.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/02/2018 17:53

That's not on at all. Does he think he's doing you a favour?

gimmesomeapachepizza · 20/02/2018 17:53

You're on holiday with , and live with, someone that you can't actually talk to? Someone who would see you not have meals because you have no money?

You have much bigger problems than stated here.

Neverender · 20/02/2018 17:53

Ask him again? Don't let it ruin your holiday!!

caroldecker · 20/02/2018 17:54

How long have you been together? In these circumstances I would have no problem with DP paying for me or vice-versa.

ny20005 · 20/02/2018 17:55

He probably doesn't think it's an issue as you are away & he's paying for stuff.

I wouldn't think twice about saying to my dp whey I needed & I wouldn't be skipping lunch either!

Most men aren't mind readers, he doesn't know there's an issue

MoodyTwo · 20/02/2018 17:58

Just let him pay for everything?

PinkHeart5914 · 20/02/2018 17:59

What’s the difference between him transefering you money or paying for everything? At the end of the day either way it will be his money your spending.

You live together so I am assuming you’ve been together a while so I find it a bit weird you want him to transfer you money so you can buy lunch when he could just pay with his money that he’d transfer you anyway

RebootYourEngine · 20/02/2018 18:01

I dont see the big deal unless he is moaning about paying for everything. You live together but you cant say to him that you need to buy something.

lemonsquisher · 20/02/2018 18:02

Wtf you’re on holiday together. Presumably he’s not skipping lunch so are you just sitting there watching him eat?

Unless he’s genuinely forgotten, you haven’t reminded him and you’re saying you’re not hungry whilst he has lunch then this is just plain odd. Why isn’t he paying for you?

Quartz2208 · 20/02/2018 18:03

Yes I think this is your problem - he presumably just thought paying for everything was easiest (and if you do want to split it again its easy to see how much was spent).

In fairness he did not know that you would need something like panty liners (although I have also asked DH to buy these for me)

LemonSqueezy0 · 20/02/2018 18:03

I have questions....

Have you reminded him he said he'd lend you money? If so, why not/what did he say?

Do you have any savings to ease the cash flow? I get what you mean about not having big lump sums, but to not even have money for Sanpro seems pretty desperate.

What is he saying when you aren't having lunch?! Is he eating while you just sit there? Or is there an elaborate ruse every lunchtime?!

Please talk to him, this is ridiculous...

FissionChips · 20/02/2018 18:04

Does he know you are not having lunch? Why don’t you just tell him to transfer it?

WipsGlitter · 20/02/2018 18:06

Just ask him. Do you not have a credit card that you could use?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/02/2018 18:07

You've been skipping lunch? Why? For some strange idea of pride, not being 'beholden'? How would it be different if he transferred cash and you withdrew it, it would sill be him paying for everything! That's a matter of your perspective!

You live together, been a couple for 4 years and yet you treat him like a virtual stranger when on holiday, which is weird. He's probably oblivious, thinking he is treating you to a lovely holiday!

Either that or you both need to seriously reconsider how you 'do' the finance thing between you!

Talk to him, like wot grown ups do!

Sparklesocks · 20/02/2018 18:08

You need to communicate with him clearly, and you shouldn’t feel awkward to do so - as you say he’s your partner. Sit him down and tell him what you need from him, don’t be vague and don’t just hope he figures it out.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 20/02/2018 18:08

How can you live with someone and not be able to talk to them?

If you are SE then you need a cash flow for late payments, it's obviously not working if you can't afford a packet of sanitary protection.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues to sort.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/02/2018 18:09

Having been in similar position to OP more times than I want to think about, it's better to have the other person lend you a sum of money, which you pay back. if they 'just pay for everything' you have to ask for everything, and worry about whether they will think that you are greedy, or silly for wanting something, or whether (as OP says, wanting pantyliners) it's just embarrassing to have to ask them to buy it.

Whitecup · 20/02/2018 18:14

Can’t you just ask for some cash? You say he’s given you some ‘change’ which suggests a small amount of money? Did you not say straight off that it wouldn’t be enough to cover what you needed to buy? Do you feel that uncomfortable in a 4 year relationship. Also why are you skipping lunch- you’re either being a martyr or he’s being an arse. I think you need to chat or you’re going to end up stewing and boiling over.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/02/2018 18:15

And that's another thing... why is buying any sanpro embarrassing?

I've never understood it, it is a life essential, just like loo roll, kitchen roll and tissues. DH happily buys all of those... even for my mum, though she was surprised when his only hesitation was to look at the old packet to make sure he would buy the right type!

Snowing just talk to him. Before you get resentful, work it out!

Ragwort · 20/02/2018 18:16

Why are you living with someone yet can't have a sensible discussion about money - what happens when you skip lunch, does he just go ahead and eat his with you sitting there and eating nothing? .

I am so upset for you that you have so little self worth that you will let yourself be treated like this, 'lending you a few coins for panty liners' FFS.

Do you share a bed, do you actually have sex with someone who treats you like this?

missiondecision · 20/02/2018 18:16

I am wondering why and what is preventing you from saying something like, I need some personal items, can you just lend me some money until I get paid please? It’s embarrassing to keep asking for everything..... if you can’t have this conversation, seriously consider why? Pride ?? Or something about him?

Whitecup · 20/02/2018 18:20

going back to the lunch thing- do you split the bill every meal you pay for? Has he asked why you aren’t eating or has he refused you any food because you can’t pay? It sounds very tedious for a relationship

kaytee87 · 20/02/2018 18:22

Have a conversation with your partner.

Newtothis2017 · 20/02/2018 18:25

Agree with the pp. Talk to him

strawberrysparkle · 20/02/2018 18:32

I understand OP, I've been with my partner for 5 years and he doesn't care covering payments for me but it makes me feel awfully uncomfortable. Can you gently remind him?

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