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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP lending me money

92 replies

ItsBeenSnowingForFourDays · 20/02/2018 17:51

I am currently on holiday with DP. We live together, no DCs.

We are both self employed so, as happened to me, payments often don’t come in as you expect.

Before we left I explained to DP that a payment I was expecting was going to be delayed by a week & could he therefore lend me some money (we often do this). Previously we have just deposited some funds into each other’s account.

He said - no problem, we are partners.

We have been away 4 days but he hasn’t transferred anything. He has given me some change but is just paying for everything.

This morning I needed some panty liners & had to ask for some coins.

I just feel a bit shit, completely beholden. I’ve been skipping lunch etc because I don’t want him to pay for everything.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/02/2018 21:36

Just talk to him. Say you'd rather he lent you money and you paid it back and you know hrs trying to be kind and appreciate it.

I'd be concerned though that your business has got to such a level that you have no back ups and can't even afford sanitary protection. That's proper skint. Maybe he doesn't realise it's so bad?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 20/02/2018 21:38

Talk to him, not mumsnet. And then spend some time reorganise your business cash flow. Do you pay yourself a wage?

Viviennemary · 20/02/2018 21:40

You need to rethink this relationship. If it's simply a misunderstanding and he doesn't realise you need cash because he's paying for meals and so on. Unless he is fed up of lending you money. You must know the reason for this better than any posters here. Is he generally mean. Or are you always asking him to bail you out.

FranticallyPeaceful · 20/02/2018 21:43

They’re just panty liners, it’s not like you’re going out on the prowl for some hard crack. Just tell him you want some transferring for some lady things if it’s a big deal to you

Longdistance · 20/02/2018 21:45

Get him to go to the supermarket to get your sanpro. I’m sure he’ll give you some money then Grin

Regularsizedrudy · 20/02/2018 21:54

Is the op coming back? I’m so confused and have so many questions..

bbcessex · 20/02/2018 21:57

Sounds a bit unlikely OP

Original poster
ItsBeenSnowingForFourDays · 20/02/2018 22:00

I’ve not gone away - went for dinner.

I don’t & DP give a shit about santiary pads

I literally WTKIFWBU to want a loan rather than everything paid for

OP posts:
blueskypink · 20/02/2018 22:00

Say, "I need to pop to the shop, can I borrow a tenner/£20" whatever.

What does he think you're doing while he has lunch?

mygorgeousmilo · 20/02/2018 22:05

You’re not unreasonable to want a loan rather than everything paid for, but you are unreasonable not to just talk to him instead of not eating. If you can’t just have a straight up conversation with him about money, then there are more issues than borrowing/paying.

Skittlesss · 20/02/2018 22:11

So are you just sitting there watching him eat at lunch then?
Does he know you have literally NO money?
I get that you might feel awkward about asking him, but as you say it's normal to lend each other money just ask him again.

Maybe he's paying and doesn't expect anything back?

speakout · 20/02/2018 22:17

OP for someone who is savvy enough to be self employed you seem to be in quite a precarious position. Especially going abroad.

I agree that your OH seems to be an arse about this, but where is your safety buffer?
If I travel abroad ( with or without my OP) I take bank cards, credit cards etc.
In an emergency I could pay for hotels, food, flight home if necessary.

Why don't you have the means to buy sanitary towels yourself?

LadyLapsang · 20/02/2018 22:17

How are you in a situation where you have no money to your name to the extent that you can't buy sanpro, yet you are on holiday? Definitely once you get paid, get some savings behind you.

rothbury · 20/02/2018 22:19

I can't understand what is going on here. You are not eating lunch - is he just ordering for himself and when the waiter turns to you, you say you don't want anything? Confused

Scarydinosaurs · 20/02/2018 22:22

What reason have you given for not eating??

speakout · 20/02/2018 22:22

I'm not getting this at all,

Sorry.

BestZebbie · 20/02/2018 22:36

YANBU - A loan is a very transparent, one-off transaction, and very easy to understand how much it was for and pay it back once your money comes in.
Him paying for everything is a gifting transaction, which is anthropologically very different, it creates a relationship of obligation and power imbalance. Either he will say it was all a gift after the holiday, in which case you are beholden to be grateful for his largesse, or else he will agree it was a loan, in which case you have to go through all his transactions (which you may not have access to, in a foreign currency) to split them, and may come across as quibbling if you try to get it accurate to pence etc (and in the meantime whilst away you have to act as if it is a gift anyway).

Tippz · 20/02/2018 22:42

@ItsBeenSnowingForFourDays

What an utterly bizarre 'relationship.' I just cannot fathom being part of such a screwed up set-up. Confused

I would expect this to be the situation if a couple have been together 3 weeks.

How can a relationship function, let alone blossom and grow and develop, when the couple cannot, and DO not communicate, and have utterly separate finances, (eg, making their partner go without, when they are earning more.)

What is the point of being together? Confused

I actually KNOW a couple like this. Together FIFTEEN YEARS, totally separate finances, he earns double what she earns, and he doesn't give her a PENNY of HIS money.

When she runs short, he lends her a bit (a tenner or so,) and makes her sign a chit to say she will pay it back. He has £45K in savings, she has £1600, they have separate bank accounts, and they have separate cars. When hers packed up, he would NOT let her use his.

He has a house he bought 30 years ago, (mortgage paid off 10 years ago,) and he rents it out. All the rent (£900 a month) goes to his bank account.

He will not marry her. He will not buy a house with her. They rent a small flat together, £400 a month and SHE pays half that, so he is quids in with the £900 rent for the house he owns.

I do know several other couples like this.

The OP's set up sounds like this.

I would sooner be single. I simply cannot fathom what the women are getting out of these relationships. And it is always WOMEN getting the shit end of the stick, because in most cases, the man is the higher earner.... PLUS, no man would stick in a relationship with a woman who treated him like this.

Seriously, what the actual FUCK? Why do these women stay? Serious question.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 20/02/2018 22:45

Just use some of your savings to tide you over. You abu for using pant liners, just put fresh pants on every day.

TheLovelyHorse · 20/02/2018 23:01

If you haven't got a few coins for essentials, well, that's not good.

Changednamejustincase · 20/02/2018 23:02

It all sounds like strangers thrown together on holiday to me. Ask him again to lend you money or let him pay for everything and if he refuses to do one or the other (why would he?) then go home without him.

Northernknickers · 20/02/2018 23:08

@Whatshallidonowpeople you do realise, don't you, that MANY MANY people don't HAVE 'savings' to 'tide them over'!!! How bloody patronising 🙄

speakout · 20/02/2018 23:09

OP I would go home.

What kind of holiday is this if you can't afford to eat? Contact your travel company or UK consulate, they will help you get home.

SandyY2K · 20/02/2018 23:21

you don't even have a credit card to use?

LagunaBubbles · 20/02/2018 23:25

Seriously? You've been skipping lunch because you have no money and yet your DO is paying for paying for everything anyway? What a strange view of your relationship you have!