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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP lending me money

92 replies

ItsBeenSnowingForFourDays · 20/02/2018 17:51

I am currently on holiday with DP. We live together, no DCs.

We are both self employed so, as happened to me, payments often don’t come in as you expect.

Before we left I explained to DP that a payment I was expecting was going to be delayed by a week & could he therefore lend me some money (we often do this). Previously we have just deposited some funds into each other’s account.

He said - no problem, we are partners.

We have been away 4 days but he hasn’t transferred anything. He has given me some change but is just paying for everything.

This morning I needed some panty liners & had to ask for some coins.

I just feel a bit shit, completely beholden. I’ve been skipping lunch etc because I don’t want him to pay for everything.

OP posts:

Vanessatiger · 21/02/2018 06:41

Personally I wouldn’t be with a person like this. Bin him. He’s treating you appallingly

RebootYourEngine · 21/02/2018 07:05

How is the OP being treated appallingly. Her DP is paying for everything and he hasnt moaned about it. I would say that is far from appalling behaviour.

LakieLady · 21/02/2018 07:14

What’s the difference between him transefering you money or paying for everything?

Control. OP has no autonomy if she has to ask her DP for every damn thing.

Perfectnight · 21/02/2018 07:14

You were relying on one payment for the holiday and without it you don’t have a single penny? Is that equivalent to your months wages or something? That must be hard and agree with pp that you are in a very precarious position if you literally can’t buy yourself panty liners.

BrutusMcDogface · 21/02/2018 07:20

This is very odd. I agree with all the pps that you do seem to have an odd relationship. If my dp and I go out for an evening, he often gets some cash out and hands some over to me at the beginning of the night so I don't have to ask him every time I want to get us both a drink or something. We never did "loans" even from the beginning; we shared everything.

speakout · 21/02/2018 07:22

I would suggest if you go on holiday without a financial contingency plan then you can't really afford the holiday.

Skittlesss · 21/02/2018 07:27

Hateloggingin - I get what you're saying. It was the other poster who wrote that she was "BU for using pantyliners and she should wear fresh knickers every day" that threw me too.

Catinthebath · 21/02/2018 07:27

Are there things you want to buy but not let him know about?

expatinscotland · 21/02/2018 07:51

So what's going on at lunch, he just goes out on his own?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/02/2018 08:27

Another here who is confused about lunch. Do you sit with him while he eats? Do you do this at home or in a cafe?

NerrSnerr · 21/02/2018 08:54

Just talk to him? What's happening at lunch time?

Mookie81 · 21/02/2018 09:23

Placemarking for OP's response lol

mommytoboo86 · 21/02/2018 09:55

I am very confused.
A) why can't dp get ur sanitary products? My dh does & has even ran 2 the shop and back whilst I've been on the toilet. I hope ur dp is not 1 of these 'OMG dont talk 2 me about THAT' (cos I'd ditch him then & there and tell him 2 grow up). I'm assuming that panty liners r different 2 pads? I didn't realise there were pads specifically for the excess moisture, but still something that u should b able 2 speak 2 him about.
B) why aren't u eating lunch? He wont knw y, u need 2 tell him
C) I don't actually see the problem with the money. How can u feel beholden 2 some1 uve been in a relationship with for this long? Surely there are times wen u have forked out 4 something? I don't understand this whole going dutch thing in long term relationships. I knw ppl think me & dh have a strange set up in so much that once the bills r paid his money is his & mine is mine. We lend and borrow but only pay it back if the other is desperate most of the time the lender will say 'nah keep it'. But 2 actually starve urself cos u don't want 2 ask for more money?
Im either missing something obvious or there is more 2 this than we've been told
Xx

Regularsizedrudy · 22/02/2018 12:12

Please come back and tell us about lunch op!!!

ThisLittleKitty · 22/02/2018 13:09

What an odd "relationship."

CSIFemale · 22/02/2018 13:14

Based on what the OP's said so far, I don't think she's been treated appallingly.

DH and I don't have any separate money so I have no idea how 'lending' would usually work in a relationship. It's been a long time since anyone asked me to borrow money but I'd rather treat them than lend it and it sounds like that's what the DP is doing.

Of course there are always going to be a few posters who say he's "asserting control" but it seems just as plausible he's being nice.

MichaelBendfaster · 22/02/2018 13:19

I don't get it, OP. If you usually deposit money for each other, why hasn't he done that this time and why haven't you said 'Do you want to do the usual transfer so I don't have to ask for money?'?

And what happens when you skip lunch? Does he notice? Do you explain why you're doing it? What does he say?

Really really weird.

As an aside, did you know that as a self-employed person you have a statutory claim to compensation for late payment, plus interest? here

I'm self-employed and have threatened a couple of clients with it and it has very much helped matters!

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