Who's in the wrong?

[Greggers2017]

Saturday me and dp had friends coming over in the evening, all housework needed doing Saturday day as I normally do. I'd asked dp to help me, at 9am he decided to go for a bike ride with a neighbour. Said he'd be back between 11 and 12 to help.
Arrived home at 1:15. Obviously I was annoyed and had done most jobs apart from food shopping and ironing so I was obviously annoyed. Dp stayed outside talking to neighbour not coming in and needed to have shower too. I went outside and said, "don't mind me it's all done anyway". And went back inside. Dp came in and we had a row as I was arsey in front of the neighbour. Who was in the wrong me or dp?

Obviously DP

Both of you.
He was selfish for not helping but it was unnecessary of you to have gone outside to say something in front of the neighbour. What did it gain you other than a grumpy bf?
Next time tell him what jobs your leaving for him and when yours are done go for a bike ride or whatever your thing is.

"well if you come inside instead of faffing about chatting outside, I could have been arsey in private"

Both of you. Your DP is a lazy, selfish, inconsiderate arse. You being a passive-aggressive fish wife isn't much better. Airing dirty laundry in front of neighbours is totally unnecessary.

Dp is in the wrong.

Look, I don't mean to steal your moaning thunder if that's what you're after but this is often how it starts - yet to materialise. You haven't said anything about dc but if you do have them this will be your reality along with a couple of kids to care for.

It might sound like a bit of a moan and a nag now - but listen to this; when someone shows you or tells you who they are, listen to them.

DP was wrong for not pulling his weight but I'm afraid you lose my sympathy for being arsey in front of your neighbour...you could have asked him to come in and then said your piece.

We're close to the neighbours, go round each other's houses, look after each other's children, go away together etc. We banter etc. I didn't shout either I just said it as I went to the bin. I was annoyed though so it was said when not needed.
I hardly ever ask him to help too.

Your DP was obviously being extremely inconsiderate but you rather lost the moral high ground by airing your dirty linen in public.

The neighbour was probably embarrassed.

I think you were in the wrong. He got home at 1:15 so plenty of time for him to do some housework before the evening if you'd left him some jobs to do.

I hardly ever ask him to help too.

Why is housework your job?

You should have just done half, I hate having to do chores to someone else’s schedule. As long as it was done by evening I think it doesn’t matter when.

If the friends weren't coming over till the evening, why didn't you just leave half the housework for him to do?

Both of you acted badly. He is more in the wrong as what he did was very selfish but it was pretty immature to publicly humiliate him in front of the neighbour. You could have just made your feelings clear when he got in the house. Then you would have retained the moral high ground.

I personally would have just left him some jobs to do. But I can understand why you were annoyed if he had previously agreed a time to be there to help with the cleaning.

VladimirPoutine what does it mean when you say when someone shows you who they are listen to them? Sorry if it's a stupid question, just want you to elaborate

Depends if he still had time to do half the jons after his bike ride, if yes YABU. If not it's both of you.
Next time just leave him half the housework, the advantage being that you get to choose what you do because he decided to go off.

@Rosiie

I think @VladmirsPoutine is suggesting that OP's DH is showing his 'true colours' and that he will abandon her with 2 children because he's a "lazy, selfish, inconsiderate arse" so she should "listen" and divorce him asap.

I fucking love these threads. It reminds me to be grateful for my sanity.

Rosiie @fatalAttractions got it. You cannot fundamentally change a person, they will be who they are regardless. It's up to you to decide whether or not you can live with it or not. In this particular case the OP hasn't said enough to know if it's just a typical one-off tiff that happens in relationships or a repeated pattern of behaviour.

My view was basically take heed, abuse doesn't just jump out of no-where in these sorts of relationships. It starts and grows, slowly slowly you find yourself in shit. So listen, means be alert, be aware.

My view was basically take heed, abuse doesn't just jump out of no-where in these sorts of relationships. It starts and grows, slowly slowly you find yourself in shit. So listen, means be alert, be aware.

Abuse?

Jesus!

The man was late back from a bike ride.

I feel desperately sorry for anyone who thinks like this.

If you read my posts in context perhaps you wouldn't feel so sorry.

There are only 21 posts. I read all of them.

The context - DH was late from a bike ride, still allowing plenty of time to do the chores.

You talk about abuse, about being left with children, escalating issues and needing to be alert and aware in a relationship. You're either a radical feminist or a divorce lawyer (or both?)

Of course I feel sorry for you!

Thanks for feeling sorry for me. It always makes me feel better when someone cares.

Was there still time for DH to do his share of the chores before the guests came over?

Both unreasonable. Although if he let you know he was running late, maybe less him. Were you the default carer for the children? Did he ok that with you?

You should have left him half. Better still, agreed with him before he went who’d do what and then left it for his return.

Why is he "helping" around the house? If he lives there then it's just as much his responsibility as yours. Is he usually so lazy?