Who's in the wrong?

[Greggers2017]

Saturday me and dp had friends coming over in the evening, all housework needed doing Saturday day as I normally do. I'd asked dp to help me, at 9am he decided to go for a bike ride with a neighbour. Said he'd be back between 11 and 12 to help.
Arrived home at 1:15. Obviously I was annoyed and had done most jobs apart from food shopping and ironing so I was obviously annoyed. Dp stayed outside talking to neighbour not coming in and needed to have shower too. I went outside and said, "don't mind me it's all done anyway". And went back inside. Dp came in and we had a row as I was arsey in front of the neighbour. Who was in the wrong me or dp?

whiskey that's ridiculous I don't see any posters and certainly not mine suggesting she put up and shut up! I'm trying to be helpful. But I agree by all means if you've clearly communicated your expectations not only for a dinner party but in general and they still go ignored by all means go ahead and lose it as you'd be right to do so!!

I strongly disagree about the neighbour thing though- in my experience you're just making yourself look a bit mental and embarrassing yourself if you snipe and argue in front of others (having done so myself by the way) so why bother - other people don't care what's going on or what you're arguing about so why try and draw them in!!

“Point is the PP I replied too was suggesting that WOMEN get dissatisfied in relationships where their partner is useless and I was merely humbly suggesting that could apply to all people”

Yes of course it could, Show me a relationship where both go out so work and the man does all the housework on a Saturday while the woman goes out for a bike ride and is never asked to “help” and I’ll there telling her that she needs to sharpen her ideas up.

And I agree that the snipe in front of the neighbors was uncalled for.

I hate this doing chores to someone's schedule. If my DP said that the washing up had to be done after dinner and then made a drama in front of guests because he'd done it I'd be furious.

I cannot bear doing dishes at night when I am tired. I'll get up and clean kitchen, load dishwasher, put on laundry, make packed lunches and breakfasts all before 7 while swigging coffe and listening to the radio.

He is a sluggard in the mornings and can barely cope.

Adults do what needs doing as and when.

bertrand believe me I'm also the wife who works full time but also shops and cleans and sorts out the kids and does it all for a party pls don't misunderstand my point.
The PP I was replying too at the time was suggesting that WOMEN are the only partner who have to stand up for themselves and discuss issues - I'm trying just to say that everyone in their relationship should be responsible for that
Eek I'm obviously way less succinct than I think
End of the day Bert I think we're agreeing

sure but if more "women" actually communicated when they feel dissatisfied instead of simmering with resentment and then exploding about stuff they've never mentioned is a problem before,maybe fewer relationships would go down the toilet

That was kind of my point... but good to know you get it

bertrand here's the original quote I was replying too if more women 'listened' to the inconsiderate behaviour at the beginning of a relationship, there would be far fewer women in dissatisfactory relationships and complaining about them on here
I just read it as suggesting men are always in the wrong and the inconsiderate party and that's surely bollocks. People in general can either be selfish or not at any given time
I guess I'm saying if more people generally pulled others up on inconsiderate behaviour we'd all be happier? Not making a man vs women point at all.

But I agree that women still appear for the most part to do the lions share of domestic chores working or not so it's a social throw back to the 50s for sure! So we need to bring up our kids to be different ! My DH said he can't do washing as his Mum and granny always did it - but I just left it til he figured it out

string sorry it seems we're agreeing I didn't mean to pick a fight !

Serves him right he got a slapdown in front of the neighbours, the selfish sexist wanker.

PP are right, this is often how abuse starts - the man does less and less in the way of domestic work and childcare because it's 'women's work' and his wife exists to serve him. And these wankers get away with it because women are supposed to go along with the pretence that their man is wonderful rather than pulling him up on poor behaviour.

I'm not in a unsatisfactory relationship just had a domestic with the other half and wanted perspective.
Normally on a Saturday I do all the jobs in a morning and dp takes the dogs for a long walk with his dad as has always been the case.

A nice walk with the dog and his dad? Does he take the children?

Why are you doing it all OP?

reanimated sorry I think you're talking rubbish and putting ideas in oPs head that it's worse than it really is! As OP just stated she's generally ok but he was crap on this occasion and she came here for a moan! God I have a moan to friends about DH often as I'm sure he does but my friends don't immediately call LTB / abuse for god sake!
OP sorry if I've gone round the houses but the point is I get it - my DH would also drive me mad and let me run around prepping for friends and it's infuriating I know
I'm just trying to say why not take a different approach and see how that works for you. Lay it out in easy clear terms even if you think you shouldn't have to do so. If you want things a certain way perhaps you DO have too spell it out. Honestly I'm a lazy person but if I feel I'm expected to do something that would otherwise let my DH down I'll get in and do it .
I did everything around the house and constantly seethed with resentment. If you can then separate the chores and / or outsource anything if you can.
Regarding losing it in front of the neighbour - let it go - we've all been there - they won't be thinking about it you can be sure of that! But in my experience being like that just exacerbates the problem

I thought at first I agreed with the OP but reading sixteenapple's post made me pause. The OP said she normally did all the housework on a Saturday morning whilst husband walked the dog. It wasn't a normal Saturday because they had the added pressure of entertaining in the evening. I don't see why the OP didn't ditch the normal routine, especially ironing ( unless starched damask napkins were needed ) say : I will go shopping and get on with the food prep if you can clean up the house for tonight ( or vice versa ). Don't need to do the whole house , shut the doors on the bedrooms , finish it on Sunday. He could have still gone for a healthy bike ride without such a time pressure , she could have gone for a walk with those dogs or enjoyed the cooking. Undone chores could be done on the Sunday and everyone would have been more relaxed by the time the guests came - he's an adult, both of them should be having responsibility for the chores ad having ownership of what needs to be done but not having one deciding a rigid timetable and then flouncing because it slipped by an hour.

And the passive aggressive in front of the neighbour was not needed.

My children are at their dads on a weekend. I wasn't cooking we were ordering take out etc and our friends were staying over so had to do the other jobs. We had plans Sunday. I don't usually mind doing the jobs just needed help that Saturday. I left the ironing, I just mentioned that that was all that was left to do.
He is usually good and during the week, we do share tasks

I just read it as suggesting men are always in the wrong and the inconsiderate party and that's surely bollocks. People in general can either be selfish or not at any given time

Oh no, certainly wasn't saying that men are always in the wrong! But it does tend to be women posting on MN moaning about their boyfriends/partners/husbands and for behaviours that have been present from the start.

But I do think we're saying the same thing.

I find it incredibly irritating when people (usually women as it's MN) post on here complaining about the behaviour of their partner when, it transpires, they were exhibiting the same behaviours on the third date.

"Yes of course it could, Show me a relationship where both go out so work and the man does all the housework on a Saturday while the woman goes out for a bike ride and is never asked to “help” and I’ll there telling her that she needs to sharpen her ideas up."

Exactly. Hole in one, Bertrand.

I do agree that he shouldn’t be ‘helping’ he should just be doing his share. To alleviate this situation just one of you should have gone shopping.

It's a little different in that the children are both the OP's and it seems that DP pays for more. Unless I'm misreading that...

Does he have any children? Or do you both?

He was late back from a bike ride, for god's sake.

There was still plenty of time to do the chores.

"Abuse" mentioned within the first few replies. God bless Mumsnet.

You sound like a passive aggressive control freak. Your poor partner.

“He was late back from a bike ride, for god's sake.”

A bike ride he took while his partner was doing the weekly clean of the house....

A bike ride he took while his partner was doing the weekly clean of the house....

He could have done it when he got back. What was the rush?

If she didn't want him to go out, or she desperately needed him back by 12 noon, because of her unreasonable need to get the housework done with so much time to spare, then she should have said so.

But that would have neurotic and controlling, wouldn't it?

It appears the man left around five hours to get everything done. Why should he then get it in the neck, and be accused of abuse by Mumsnet, because the wife did all the work in four hours?

Why didn't she simply leave him the jobs he said he'd do?

She seems to have a desire to unnecessarily interrupt what he's doing. Why doesn't she find a leisure pursuit of her own on Saturday morning? A reasonable partner would pick up the slack.

If he's not pulling his weight on the chores then she should tell him, but that’s not what’s happened here. This is passive aggressive, controlling and immature.

He arrived back at 1.15. Guests arriving at 4. Shopping to be done. Presumably he needed a shower and a change of clothes. Not a lot of time left there for housework.........

I don't normally have a need for him to help it was a one off.
The housework needed doing as we had guests coming and we had plans the Sunday and both work full time.
I'm definitely not a control freak and neither is dp. We rarely argue which is why I asked for advice. I now understand we were both a little wrong but no big deal.

Your partner clearly

Definitely not passive aggressive either, me or the other half. We talk everything through.