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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's in the wrong?

79 replies

Greggers2017 · 19/02/2018 23:51

Saturday me and dp had friends coming over in the evening, all housework needed doing Saturday day as I normally do. I'd asked dp to help me, at 9am he decided to go for a bike ride with a neighbour. Said he'd be back between 11 and 12 to help.
Arrived home at 1:15. Obviously I was annoyed and had done most jobs apart from food shopping and ironing so I was obviously annoyed. Dp stayed outside talking to neighbour not coming in and needed to have shower too. I went outside and said, "don't mind me it's all done anyway". And went back inside. Dp came in and we had a row as I was arsey in front of the neighbour. Who was in the wrong me or dp?

OP posts:
ValueAddedTits · 20/02/2018 05:49

My friend's fiance was consistently late back from bike rides while we were on holiday together and also did nothing to help out generally.

And he did turn out to be abusive. It was his lack of consideration that was the clue in retrospect.

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 05:54

I get why you're annoyed as my DH has similar tendencies and I'm the type to just get it done if it needs doing but also huff and puff about it
I think you embarrassed yourself being arsey regardless of your friendship with neighbor
Nxt time in the morning say "here are the 6 things that need doing for this party. I'll do these and u need to do these" be clear and specific rather than passive aggressive

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 05:59

vladimir think you're being a bit dramatic here! This is a fairly standard domestic!
OP I've learned over time to tell my DH specifically what needs to be done for a party - I tend to be more over invested in preparations for those things
I also know that If he had other things to do (such as working out first) I wouldn't nag as if already talked about expectations and have to bite my tongue knowing they'd get done on his schedule not mine !
It's not cause for divorce just a need for better communication

lovesugarfreejelly63 · 20/02/2018 06:17

On reflection perhaps you could have joined them on the bike ride, on arrival home tackle the housework together. An apologetic word in your neighbour's ear may not go amiss either.

Original poster
Greggers2017 · 20/02/2018 06:25

Thanks for the replies. I know I was unreasonable to say something in front of the neighbour, I just snapped a little. Dp knows I was sorry for that. There was no time for him to do it when back as we had to go food shopping and they were coming just after 4pm.
He's not abusive at all, a little bone idol maybe but he's great otherwise.
We both work full time so just do basic jobs during the week and I usually do a big clean Saturday morning when dp is out hence me not asking him often. I don't even think I would have been that pissed off if he hadn't given a time.
I am probably more grumpy at the moment as I've had the same stinking cold for two weeks which is affecting my sleep. I cried yesterday evening when I burnt tea which isn't me ha.
Good idea for me to apologise to said neighbour too.

OP posts:
StringOfGoldStars · 20/02/2018 06:28

I don't think Vladimir is saying, "OMG, OP. This is like the most abusive thing I've ever heard. Get out!!

All she actually said was, "listen".

Tbh, if more women 'listened' to the inconsiderate behaviour at the beginning of a relationship, there would be far fewer women in dissatisfactory relationships and complaining about them on here. Women have a tendancy to pick up all the domestic load at the beginning and then complain about it down the line. It doesn't have to be like that.

Nxt time in the morning say "here are the 6 things that need doing for this party. I'll do these and u need to do these" be clear and specific rather than passive aggressive

No, she's not his mum or his supervisor. Next time say, "X and Y are coming over later. What do we need to get done?" and then write a list together and divide up the jobs list together. Then you both take responsibility for identifying the jobs, both take responsibility for ensuring they get done and both have some time to relax. If there's time.

StringOfGoldStars · 20/02/2018 06:30

Good idea for me to apologise to said neighbour too.

Good grief, it was a slightly snarky comment made to your partner in front of your neighbour.

Your neighbour will have forgotten about it by now. Don't bring it up again. It really doesn't require an apology - such a non event.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/02/2018 06:32

Do not apologise to neighbour! It's not that bad.

Stop doing the big clean on your own every week. That's you being a martyr. Either leave half for him or get a cleaner. Go out yourself on a Saturday morning then clean together in the afternoon.

He can only get away with being bone idle if you do his jobs for him. Just don't. Stop acting like they are your jobs, they aren't. Try to get yourself out of woman as a house elf mentality.

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 07:40

stringof ok thats semantics! Yes ok don't make the list yourself and tell your partner . Instead indeed COMMUNICATE in the morning about the what needs to be done and by when and divide it up! Don't just do it all before he has chance and be pissed off about it ! Trying not to sound old fashioned about it and consider this works both ways - but if u have certain tasks in mind that you consider necessary don't assume the other person also considers them and don't be annoyed if they don't psychically know they have to pick up scented candles for example!
Also OP - why did you have to go to the supermarket together ? That would be on my list - eg "I'll Hoover while you're out buying the food" do you think he's not capable of doing that task ? If that's the impression you give him and appear that he's useless and you'll do it better yourself no wonder he doesn't bother

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 07:43

Tbh, if more women 'listened' to the inconsiderate behaviour at the beginning of a relationship, there would be far fewer women in dissatisfactory relationships and complaining about them on here. Women have a tendancy to pick up all the domestic load at the beginning and then complain about it down the line. It doesn't have to be like that. sure but if more "women" actually communicated when they feel dissatisfied instead of simmering with resentment and then exploding about stuff they've never mentioned is a problem before,maybe fewer relationships would go down the toilet .
Also I'd like to replace your use of "women" with "people"

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 07:45

Oh and OP don't apologize to the neighbour there's no need and it will embarrass them !

UrsulaPandress · 20/02/2018 07:45

Spend Saturday mornings reading the newspaper and let him clean when he gets home.

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 07:48

Spend Saturday mornings reading the newspaper and let him clean when he gets home or if you want to be less passive aggressive perhaps discuss if you can get a cleaner now and again so neither of you has to do it all day Saturday while the other relaxes and end up feeling angry and resentful ( in saying this as someone who spent their entire weekend cleaning a massive house and being permanently snappy at everyone who immediately messed it all up simply by living there! I'm way more relaxed now and it's removed a massive source of conflict)

fatalAttractions · 20/02/2018 07:52

"Also I'd like to replace your use of "women" with "people""

Boooo. Hissss. You MRA. Bet you're a man!

"Spend Saturday mornings reading the newspaper and let him clean when he gets home."

What, all the time or alternating? It sounds like you're advocating an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 07:55

fatal not a man but what's an MRA cos I cant confirm til I know?
Sorry am I going against the grain suggesting life would be better if everyone was less PA ? Grin it's taken me 4 years of therapy to stop being a massive PA and life's a bit easier now

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 07:56

fatal I presume you're joking but to confirm I wasn't trying to negate women but simply suggesting that everyone in a relationship not merely women could be better at communication

fatalAttractions · 20/02/2018 07:58

MRA - Men's Rights Activist. Someone who believes that males need advocating for too.

Some women use it as an insult although none have been able to explain why.

fatalAttractions · 20/02/2018 07:59

Yes, I was joking. I agree with you but it's an unpopular opinion as exemplified by "Spend Saturday mornings reading the newspaper and let him clean when he gets home."

Rottweilers · 20/02/2018 07:59

Men’s rights activist ^ @expatmatt78

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 08:03

thanks fatal ! I've been on a few of the feminist threads recently and you gave me the fear momentarily about my turn of phrase being wrong argh!!
Point is the PP I replied too was suggesting that WOMEN get dissatisfied in relationships where their partner is useless and I was merely humbly suggesting that could apply to all people !
God it's a minefield ha ha

Original poster
Greggers2017 · 20/02/2018 08:10

We go food shopping together as I'm the driver, dp pays and it's a long task due to my sons fussy eating, he has asd and my daughters allergies.
We don't normally argue at all just this silly once over housework. I did tell him what needed doing etc before he went and he said he'd be back due to other things that needed doing also

OP posts:
expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 08:18

But OP u still don't have to go shopping together ! If you know the specific items and feel better going yourself and you're also the driver then go by yourself while he does another task !! That way you halve the time that tasks take and prob both have time to chill out after
Also going to the supermarket is my happy time away from everyone ha ha

The point I'm trying to make is not to lower your expectations but to make them clear - but also don't expect your partner to just KNOW as honestly some people just don't . And don't ask like it's a favour to you -eg I'll say "so since I'm taking the kids to this party you're be walking the dog yeah?" The answer is never "no".

UrsulaPandress · 20/02/2018 08:25

Shit. I didn't realise my reading the paper was a passive aggressive action.

whiskyowl · 20/02/2018 08:31

Hahahaha! I love how contradictory AIBU is. If a woman does something forceful in public, and posts about it, she's criticised in a pearl-clutchy way for being 'rude'. Yet if she sits by passively and is walked over, she is told off for not being assertive and pushing back.

I think your DP's behaviour is utterly selfish and outrageous, and you had every right to be annoyed with him. To be honest, I think he deserved a lot more than a bit of public humiliation in front of a neighbour. There's a special circle of hell for men like him.

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 08:33

ursula not at all but your tone suggested t
op teaching her useless lazy DH a lesson with a silent (passive aggressive) protest, the meaning of which he's expected to guess.
I was merely suggesting that talking it out might be more productive/ less effort / less time consuming and thus enabling them to both jointly happily prepare for their mutual friends arrival for dinner!

Also there's nothing worse than coming to someone's house and just knowing from the vibe they have had a row!!

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