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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this put your hackles up?

84 replies

inmyshoos · 24/01/2018 08:53

I've been chatting to someone online for a few months. Have met up a few times for a coffee.
I was slightly surprised when at one point he mentioned his preference (it was in reference to Naked Attraction, not just a random comment mid coffee!) for bald lady bits. That was a different thread....

So last night whilst messaging he asked what size waist am I? I said no idea but I wear a size 10. He replied 'Slim for sure and I mentioned I have to stay slim because I have joint problems but it helps I have a natural predisposition, slim parents, been fairly slim throughout life. He replied. 'I like slim... lots

Now he is almost 60 and the first thing I though when I met him was - clearly his pics were old because he was at least a stone heavier in real life. I would say overweight. He has lost weight since we first met. He said often puts on weight at Xmas.

I joked with him about it. He said slim is just his personal preference. (Same as the bald) so I replied 'Slim and bald fanny.... No pressure then'. Am I being unreasonable? I just think it's a bit rich coming from someone over weight themselves and not exactly a physical beauty.... I felt like saying 'm personal preference is totally buff and a massive schlong'.... But I'm not that shallow.... luckily for him!!!

AIBU? I can see me being single for the rest of my life

OP posts:

Original poster

inmyshoos · 24/01/2018 09:34

No one?? Clearly I'm getting too fussy in my old age and am destined to be a cat lady.....

OP posts:

Kelsoooo · 24/01/2018 09:36

It wouldn't put my hackles up around all. I have a preference for at least a close trim....

We are allowed preferences. If you don't feel that suits how you want to be... move on. You don't sound like you like him much

ShotsFired · 24/01/2018 09:38

I think he's allowed his preferences, but you are equally allowed to have yours.

If yours don't include men who can't be realistic about themselves for a start, that's entirely up to you.

onalongsabbatical · 24/01/2018 09:39

The pair of you sound like teenagers. In my experience (62) people of older ages are far, far more interested in the whole of a person than the superficial. But, there you go, takes all sorts.

lalaloopyhead · 24/01/2018 09:40

It is obviously fine to have preferences but I think it sounds a bit sleazy to vocalise it in this way, and so early on.

I think this would put me off someone, especially as you say he is no rippling Adonis himself.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 24/01/2018 09:41

Thanks for replying. I'm open to the idea that ibu but I just find his preferences so stereotypical. I do like him. He has lots of other good qualities but there are affair few that I am not keen on and that list is getting longer

I think preferences are fine. But I just think it's a bit rich to say 'I like slim...lots' When you are overweight yourself!!!

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 24/01/2018 09:42

I think we all have preferences. you make it sound that if you aren't "perfect" then you should be grateful for whatever you get.

Everyone has features/traits that they look for in a partner that turn them on.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 24/01/2018 09:42

a fair few... bloody phone!!

OP posts:

FlyingElbows · 24/01/2018 09:45

Op you clearly don't like him. Move on. And maybe try being less physically judgemental. People are allowed to find things aesthetically pleasing without being perfect themselves. You clearly think he's not worthy of your physical presentation so just move and find someone equally perfect.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 24/01/2018 09:45

nicknacky i don't feel like that at all. I don't think anyone is perfect. I would just be er voice my physical preferences in this particup at situation. I don't think it comes across well.

It feels so shallow. I also asked him what would happen if we got together and I put weight on!

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 24/01/2018 09:46

He's a sleazebag. Let's not beat around the bush (see what I did there? ).

Yes, preferences are great, freedom of choice, we all have preferences, yada yada. I know his type and yeah, with his preferences, he'll be a pain the ass. I'd give him the swerve.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 24/01/2018 09:46

To his credit he has been upfront with you early on, and his "preference" about pubic hair came up during a related conversation, he didn't just randomly blurt it.
Everyone has a preference about everything, some are mild preferences, some are deal breaker preferences.
When it comes to physical attraction, we can't help what our preferences are, and we don't "pick" them, and while we can choose to be with someone who doesn't quite match, it's unlikely to pick someone who is a complete opposite of a preference, even if they are wonderful personality wise, because, while most people deny it, to some extent, physical/sexual attraction IS important to a healthy relationship.

The same goes for people losing attraction to long term partners if something significant changed, for example, a significant weight gain or loss. It doesn't change your attraction to their personality, but it changes your physical attraction.

If you feel pressured to keep yourself "slim and bald" then he's not the man for you.

BonfiresOfInsanity · 24/01/2018 09:47

Yes he can have preferences but I wouldn't be changing who I was to suit them. Especially if he's everything on your preference list!

Original poster

inmyshoos · 24/01/2018 09:48

I'm not perfect at all flying that is not how I feel. I just feel that the whole preference for bald fango and slim feels like pressure to look a certain way. I am what I Am, sometimes I'm all neat and tidy, slim and trimmed. Sometimes I'm less slim and as hairy as a yeti....

OP posts:

Spartaca · 24/01/2018 09:57

He sounds awful

Rollypoly100 · 24/01/2018 10:00

I get what you mean op, it's fine for him to be an out of condition porker but he's already expecting immaculate grooming from you. He's expecting a high standard from you when he's not exactly a picture of health, fitness and athleticism!

MsHomeSlice · 24/01/2018 10:04

I cannot believe you didn't reflect his shitey preferences right back at him

See how he likes that.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 24/01/2018 10:04

Yes rolly exactly that.

I'm happy for him to have his preferences that is of course fine but I'm not out to g any pressure on him. He isn't physically what I would normally be 'physically' attracted to but I spoke to him for ages before meeting and he seems like a nice guy. For me the physical attraction is much more than just how they look. My ex is good looking but i stopped finding him attractive because he was a twat....

OP posts:

SugarPlumFerry · 24/01/2018 10:07

You know that being less conventionally attractive doesn't take away your right to have a preference. My DP is overweight but he likes me (8-10) and women my size. Is that allowed? Am I allowed to be fussier because I am slimmer? Luckily (for him, I guess) my preference is for ... substantial... men 😁

That man would get my hackles up though. Not because of his preferences but in the way he is almost prescribing the way you should look. He is coming across as "you'd better make sure you're slim and bald around the bits because I won't like you if you're not". In that mode of questioning, he is reassuring himself and warning you.

I found that approach in OLD really off-putting and sadly common.

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 24/01/2018 10:12

And what did he say OP when you asked him what would happen if you put on weight or didn’t shave/wax for a bit?

Will he use it as an excuse to have an affair? This is what one of my friends exes did. Not saying that yours is up to be same tricks but this just seems odd that he is saying these things so early on. He clearly finds you attractive and vice versa so really that should be the end of the matter. Why try to introduce additional elements of pressure?

FizzyGreenWater · 24/01/2018 10:13

Bottom line is that you seem to have discovered that one of your personal preferences is someone who isn't a hypocrite.

Which sounds fine to me.

I'd move on. If this is only a couple of months and a couple of meetings in and already you're beginning to see that he has twatty tendencies, this is a COMPLETE non-starter! He's on his best behaviour right now and is already hinting about shaving preferences and throwing out comments about weight when he's overweight himself?

Err no. Throw this one back, you are totally wasting your time!

rookiemere · 24/01/2018 10:14

Wow - to be that shallow and looks obsessed at the age of 60, takes some real doing. It shouldn't matter if he is an Adonis or not, but to tell you about his waxing diktats for you, and weight restrictions is just classless.

Fair enough to ask generally if your pic is an accurate reflection, but the other stuff just makes me go ugh.

PiecesOfHate · 24/01/2018 10:14

Right back at him.
Say "That's a coincidence, I like slim men with bald bits!"

BitOutOfPractice · 24/01/2018 10:16

I get it too OP. It's not having preferences that bothers you, it's hypocrisy that bothers you.

In addition, he sees slimness as a preference, but a deal breaker

Imsorrynow · 24/01/2018 10:16

I’m obviously very old because the ‘bald’ conversation isn’t one I’d be having with someone I’d never met. Or it would be the last conversation.

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