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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

House move regret-advice needed!

83 replies

mikado1 · 01/01/2018 09:35

I would love some experienced, reasoned and objective advice. I moved to my hometown 6m ago after much naval gazing, and not much conviction except this was the chance to do what I'd always wanted and move 'home'. My father is not well, long term, and dps reliant on frequent visits so that was certainly a large part of decision. House bigger here, mortgage much much less.

But...you guessed it....I just want to go back in time to old place! Miss the surroundings and much more outdoorsy life. My job and OH's are still there ( I took leave and he's there money-fri as no job here yet). Aibu today think of going back? Would you go back? We're talking an extra 1k needed per month and a smaller house..and the hassle of reversing it all. Would love advice. Feel trapped and heavy with regret.

Dc1 just started primary, another reason for timing but could get a place in good school.. I it crazy money wise? Is easier access to outdoors life so important? Have I given new life enough time?

OP posts:

grandolddukeofyork · 01/01/2018 09:38

No help to you but there was a very similar thread recently, this must be fairly common.

iloveberries · 01/01/2018 09:39

How far would you be from parents if you moved back?

Are you a “grass is greener” type person?

Farthingwood143657 · 01/01/2018 09:39

I’d stay, your not satisfied at the moment but surly a extra 1k a month can make your life wonderful, all that spare money, trips away, lots of money to just travel back there and stay for a weekend or two every month, join clubs, go snow boarding, a million things you could do with 1k a month, god I’d be heaven no matter where I lived

messofajess · 01/01/2018 09:41

You have to give these things time I find. I had this but said I would try my best and if I was still unhappy in a year I'd move bacb

mishfish · 01/01/2018 09:43

If you’re anything like my brother, and as PP said ‘grass always greener’ then stay where you are and try to make it work.

How long has it been?

liminality · 01/01/2018 09:43

How much support do your parents need? What was the compelling reason for the move to start with? How long had you been unhappy at the old place? Is your DH happy about the move?
Lots more info please!

Onedayhey · 01/01/2018 09:43

I would give it another year or so. Saving £1000 pm is massive.

Thedietstartsnow · 01/01/2018 09:45

When we moved here,it took me 7 years to settle and for it to feel like home,I would of moved back in a heartbeat.but dh job meant we couldn't ...10 yrs later we went back for a visit ,everyone had moved on,didn't recognise the place ,it was just another town...you will settle ,concentrate on making friends,they will see you thou x

BewareOfDragons · 01/01/2018 09:47

It's difficult to put a price on happiness.

If you're going to move back, I would say do it quickly. I would probably go if everyone was still open to me: jobs, home, school, spouse on board...

lightcola · 01/01/2018 09:48

I’ve relocated twice (to different places) for various reasons and both times regretted it straight away. But I stuck it out and the new place soon begins to feel like home. I guess you just need to weigh up the pros and cons for you and your family.

WorldWideWanderer · 01/01/2018 09:51

I think you will "know" inside if this move was good or not. If you have been there 6 months, I doubt whether another 6 months will make a difference to how you feel.
What you need to ask yourself is whether your feeling is just one of settling in and getting used to it, or do you know, deep inside, that you've made a mistake? This will be you're answer to what to do next.

I have been in both situations. I have moved and then longed for the countryside, the views, the lifestyle I had left behind at the previous place, but knew - for various reasons - that the move I had just made was the right one. I was 'homesick' for months but settled eventually.

But I also took a "dream move" a few years back to a cottage, it was everything I dreamed of and had no negative vibes....until I started to actually settle in. I realised with horror that I had made a mistake; that despite all the pluses it wasn't 'right' and never was going to be. So I set about moving back out and returning to my old place....I lost money and it was a real hassle trying to explain what I was doing to everyone else, but I'm still glad I came back. It just wasn't right.

You need to find which one of these applies to your situation and act accordingly.

weekfour · 01/01/2018 09:53

I think it does take a while to settle anywhere. We moved 18 months ago and I’m still not convinced. My house more or less ticks the boxes I wanted it to but it still doesn’t feel like mine.

givemesteel · 01/01/2018 09:56

I think part of the issue is that you haven't totally moved to the new place, ie you and your partner are still working in the old place, so you're not together and presumably having to commute and have a lot of inconvenience?

Not exactly conducive to settling into the new place!

A few things to consider -

if you moved back would your dc get into a good school at this stage as places will have been allocated now? If not what is the impact of that?

what is the impact on you and parents if you're suddenly not round the corner - more inconvenience at weekends from visits, having to pay for extra care? Do you get any childcare help from them or is the help all one way?

The outdoor lifestyle thing can't have been a complete deal breaker otherwise you wouldn't have considered the move?

Fwiw, I have moved back to my home town, close to my parents, in the last 6 months from quite a cool part of London. There are a few things I do miss (convenience, nicer coffee shops and restaurants, the tube), but you couldn't pay me to go back to where we used to live.

Ultimately Yes it would be a financially crazy thing to do but not if you're miserable. But I am surprised you're so disillusioned given its your home town, presumably you'd know what it was like?

For me, I couldn't move if it meant my dc didn't end up in a good school so I'd at least research that first.

Really you won't get an idea of life in the new town until you're all there working, so if you really want to give it a proper go you need to move jobs and get your partner actually living there first.

MiddleAgedMummy · 01/01/2018 09:57

I moved home - "always" wanted to - but didn't stop to check when I did move that it was actually still something I wanted to do.

I knew I'd made a mistake, very quickly.
All the reasons I had left originally were still valid.
It was lovely to be near Family, loved my house and way of life (could even walk to work) but I hated my job, found it hard to make good friends and after 4 years I moved back.

I knew the day I got back I had done the right thing.

But that was before children, which might have changed things. It's hard being far away from GPs when DC little as they miss so much and also GPs ill or elderly.

TatianaLarina · 01/01/2018 09:58

Can you give a rough idea of the two places? It’s difficult to judge. What access to the countryside do you have in your new home?

BarbarianMum · 01/01/2018 09:58

You can do a lot of outdoor stuff for 1k per month.

Chiconbelge · 01/01/2018 10:00

We’ve made 3 major moves since DCs were born and I’d say this is what it always feels like 6 months in.

LavenderDoll · 01/01/2018 10:00

I moved to be near family
Hated it
Moved back after a year
Lost a lot of money with the moving
But am now in a house that I see as my forever home in an area that I have realised that I loved and missed and know that I wouldn't move back home near family again.

Dozer · 01/01/2018 10:01

Not having a job or your DP with you will be making it harder to settle: are you still together? is the plan for them to join you?

I wouldn’t uproot DC twice, especially if no places in popular schools available and it’d mean £1000 more on housing costs each month.

Original poster

mikado1 · 01/01/2018 10:01

I'm afraid I might be a grass is always greener...but never thought it before! I always had this plan to move home ut think I put roots down much more than I thought. A swell as the straight up saving per month, cost of living is lower too.. But likely dc will go away for uni, in old place they'd h pick of 4 vg Unis nearby.. Dh 'did it for me' so yes he'd move back. Giving it a year or so seems sensible but I can't hold my job that long and house prices might go up...

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 01/01/2018 10:03

My first thought was you haven't given it enough time to settle. Also being away from your DH must be a huge strain for you both.

Dozer · 01/01/2018 10:03

With some effort “Outdoor” or active stuff can be done in most places, and this/scenery are much less important IMO than housing costs, jobs, family and education.

TatianaLarina · 01/01/2018 10:03

Brexit is on your side in terms of the housing market - it’s fairly stagnant due to the economic uncertainty.

Thetreesareallgone · 01/01/2018 10:04

The thing is- you don't have to settle in your home town. It's not like your only job is there and you have to compromise. If anything it's easier to move back as your husband is already working in the old place and you can go back to your job. I would move back.

Dozer · 01/01/2018 10:04

How far away in travel time are the two locations? Have you sold your home with DH?

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