House move regret-advice needed!

[mikado1]

I would love some experienced, reasoned and objective advice. I moved to my hometown 6m ago after much naval gazing, and not much conviction except this was the chance to do what I'd always wanted and move 'home'. My father is not well, long term, and dps reliant on frequent visits so that was certainly a large part of decision. House bigger here, mortgage much much less.

But...you guessed it....I just want to go back in time to old place! Miss the surroundings and much more outdoorsy life. My job and OH's are still there ( I took leave and he's there money-fri as no job here yet). Aibu today think of going back? Would you go back? We're talking an extra 1k needed per month and a smaller house..and the hassle of reversing it all. Would love advice. Feel trapped and heavy with regret.

Dc1 just started primary, another reason for timing but could get a place in good school.. I it crazy money wise? Is easier access to outdoors life so important? Have I given new life enough time?

I wish I could say it had been easier, but the truth is I hit a wall of grief followed by a period of depression that nothing could shake me out of. I would have gone back in a heartbeat. I had no previous connection with my new town so for me it was a lonely time to begin with.

However, I did get over it, recalibrated, so to speak, and honestly now have no regrets.

I completely get what you say about your old place being a bit more ‘polished’. What I would say is that with that buzz and smartness comes a certain shallowness that you may find less appealing from a distance. That was my experience anyway.

Sounds so so similar pearlsaringer ...

I am really haunted now this week and really del it was a mistake that went against my instincts to help my DPs.. don't know what to think or do.

You are grieving for your old life. I’ve experienced what you are going through and I feel so, so, sorry for you.

If you can, focus on the advantages. You are near to your parents and if your DF’s condition deteriorates you’ll be glad you made the decision to be nearby while you can have some quality time together. You no longer have the stress of the long distance visits which sound as though they were taking their toll. You have upsized your house and are potentially in a stronger financial position

Maybe the move is right in principle but needs fine tuning. Is it possible you are just in too suburban a setting? A village might suit you better, particularly if you can find one with a thriving community spirit. Is that a possibility?

FWIW, my turning point was getting a job. I met people through work who have become really good friends.

How is your OH coping?

Thank you again pearlsaringer, I think my main heartbreak-and that's what it physically feels like- is the fact im not at home here when I had it as 'home' always and it was this aim I had, to get back. Yet wheb decision time came all I could say was 'I don't know' until too much was done so it was now's the chance it won't come again. I definitely feel a big obligation (poss wrong word) 're dps. I could literally cry at any minute and want to wake up back there..

Oh also feeling regretful - he is horrific at giving opinion/feelings and like that he said 'I don't know' and not much else when we got down to discuss it. (Seems so fucking stupid now) We were under pressure to hurry up and make decision because of school starting.. anyway now he also doubts it..

If we're to return we won't be in same house..Will that also be disillusioning?? I'm afraid now.

Your post meant a lot because yes I can do those things now and yes it means a lot. Also I am planning to find work here in an effort to have a life - difficult when solo parenting so much. Extra cash will cover a sitter maybe one evening to get out socially/for an exercise class etc.. I can't stop berating myself

Sorry to hear your OH is also struggling, he is no doubt concerned by how you are feeling. I can guarantee once one of you starts to feel confident about the move it will help the other.

It’s easy to think of this decision as a disaster but it really isn’t, it’s just a new version of your life that you are struggling to adjust to.

Your home town isn’t living up to expectations because you have had them raised by living somewhere else. And you do make strong bonds with people when you have babies together, so it’s understandable that you haven’t yet connected with anyone on that level yet.

But just because you haven’t found your people yet doesn’t mean they aren’t out there. Is there anything you could get involved with, such as the school PTA, which would help get your face known? Think about the sort of things you might have met people through in your previous home, eg paint or design workshops, gym classes, children’s activities.

You could still move if you aren’t happy in your hometown. Are there any nice villages or rural areas within easy reach where you might get a bit more of the outdoorsy life you used to have? If you can start to find some enthusiasm about the area (and I understand this is very hard at the moment) you will hanker less for the place you have left behind.

It probably sounds hard to believe from my posts, but I'm try in very hard! On the PTA, joined a book club, do 2/3 toddler activities e's week, have people round for play dates etc.

Is your OH still working away so you are on your own Monday to Friday? That's hard and means you aren't yet really in the new location as a family.

I moved home and then back to where I used to live after a long 4 years. I have never regretted moving back but have often regretted distance from DPs.

My DF died, sadly, and i spent lots of time on planes for months visiting. I am hoping that my DM will now move near to us.

One thing I would say is that children are very moveable at primary school so the suggestion earlier of a plan in phases is worth thinking of too.