House move regret-advice needed!

[mikado1]

I would love some experienced, reasoned and objective advice. I moved to my hometown 6m ago after much naval gazing, and not much conviction except this was the chance to do what I'd always wanted and move 'home'. My father is not well, long term, and dps reliant on frequent visits so that was certainly a large part of decision. House bigger here, mortgage much much less.

But...you guessed it....I just want to go back in time to old place! Miss the surroundings and much more outdoorsy life. My job and OH's are still there ( I took leave and he's there money-fri as no job here yet). Aibu today think of going back? Would you go back? We're talking an extra 1k needed per month and a smaller house..and the hassle of reversing it all. Would love advice. Feel trapped and heavy with regret.

Dc1 just started primary, another reason for timing but could get a place in good school.. I it crazy money wise? Is easier access to outdoors life so important? Have I given new life enough time?

I don’t think I would do anything precipitously - 6 months is not very long. If you do anything too fast you may decide that was a mistake too.

Your father will only get iller and frailer and seeing him regularly from further away will be a hike.

If the house prices are so much less is there anyway you could get a much smaller 'holiday home' in the new area, but go back to where you were to live?

I'd stay and save the £1k per month! That kind of money is huge, put it aside and plan some lovely holidays, weekends away etc.

Took me nearly a whole year to feel settled again after moving house, and we only moved locally. Sounds like you moved for some sound reasons that still stand. £1k less mortgage gives you some great flexibility for maximising free time with outdoor activities and exciting holidays. Your DC1 starting school might bring some good opportunities to make new friends and maybe also get involved in the school - which might help you feel more settled?

I should say I'm in Ireland so brevity and school differences not such a consideration. 2.5h from old place, a lot of weekends on the road, often solo, the last year, when both dc were under 5.. I thought this would change the world... Although 1k seems a lot, we were used to playing the higher mortgage and it hasn't translated as yet as dp's rental plus petrol costs eating a chunk up.

Brexit!

Old place was village by sea on outskirts of a city, now in a smaller city, still on coast but eg in old place walked everywhere in lovely surroundings, lots of big parks in easy access in car. Now in car minute I leave estate.

I think it takes a while to adjust. If your dc leave to go to uni you could probably move then. We live near my parents back to where we grew up and it took a while for me to adjust. Ideally I don’t really like living here as I’ve got two kids with autism and the school whilst great for most kids isn’t for my youngest. But my dad has just been diagnosed with cancer so I’m glad we’re nearby. You either need to give it a while or move back straight away. I’d say give it a while. If you’re close to your parents moving away again and losing precious time might be hard for you when they’ve passed. Will your dh join you?

At the moment you are not living a new life in this new location. Until your DP is with you you are in a type of limbo where you have one foot in and one foot out. I would give it time as the 2 main reasons being parents and a BIG money difference are fairly important. Good luck.

I think part of the issue is that you haven't totally moved to the new place, ie you and your partner are still working in the old place

This I agree with 100 percent. You've got a foot in both places at the moment so it's impossible to settle.

Do you think it's the house -you say estate so I'm guessing relatively new build in the suburbs - rather than the town itself?

Could DH work from home some of the time? Mine works two days a week in Edinburgh and three days from home (we live in England). He has the best of both worlds - nights out with friends, office life, time away from the kids - and he's got friends and hobbies here.

Many years ago I moved away from London to the sticks. I really thought I'd made a terrible mistake for ages and investigated ways of getting back. 30 years later I am still here in the countryside, and I wouldn't live anywhere else. It took me 9 months to get used to my new life. Give it time. I am now of the opinion you should never go back, your memory puts a gloss on it that may not have existed. Comparisons are odious, as they say.

I don't think you've settled in. Also you haven't fully moved since DH is not with you. Your reason for being near your DPs will only become more urgent (sorry). I personally would see how things pan out with your parents and give it much longer 3-5 years and commit properly to this area, with a promise of review at the end of a much longer period. My DH took 3 years before he totally changed his mind about our house and went from hating it to loving it and refusing to ever move again!

And maybe it's just the estate? I live in a city but I have a beautiful green house near lots of parks. Maybe you could consider finding a better house in the new place? In the medium term

Going through the same regret OP (but we moved to OH's hometown). We have a big house and garden now but I'd go back to our small terraced house in a moment if I could.

Dh and I were serial movers due to work. Countries, not just areas. It takes time to settle. The first 6 months or so I was dreadfully missing the last place. Then about 2.5 years in, i was bored with my current place and itching to move on to the next. When we did, it was rinse, repeat. It takes time to settle in one place. It took years for me to even feel remotely the same as any Brit and felt like a foreigner in my own country for years when we returned for good. You will decide if you want to go back there given a little time and perspective. You are very sensible to wait it out a little longer. And if by then it’s still unbearable, you will know to up sticks.

I moved 4 years ago a fair distance from home, family, friends it does take a good while to settle in and it’s onl6 the last year or so that I’ve felt comfortable and not wanted to go “home”. You need to give it a fair chance it is very hard but it gets better

I think that it takes a year to know whether or not you can settle into a new place, but you both need to throw yourselves into it - living and working in the new place and making an effort to 'fast-track' some roots by getting involved with school, community, etc. I agree with pp that you haven't really committed to this and given it a chance.

Six months is a long time to commute Mon-Fri. Has DH been actively looking for another job in this time or is he half-expecting you to decide that you want to go back? Is there a realistic prospect of him getting a job in the new area? Will he have to take a pay cut? Are there jobs for you?

DCs' university education isn't really a factor right now if DC1 is 5. They might not want to go at all; they might want to go abroad. I think that's a red herring.

Your father's health is obviously a consideration though. Would you parents consider moving back to old place with you?

I have felt this way every time I move jobs. I want the old one back.

It passes.

Six months ago, I moved to a village from London. I've regretted it ever since. I would move tomorrow if DH would only agree.

You moved after much navel gazing - presumably travelling back and forth to see your dps was one factor. Without knowing all the facts it sounds as though it was financially beneficial and there are good schools for the kids. What's to say if you sell up again, with all the expense that entails, you won't be feeling exactly the same as you are now - wondering if you've done the right thing and significantly poorer for it? I think you've made your decision - for whatever reasons - now you need to go with it, focussing on all the positive reasons you upped sticks in the first place. You need to make finding new jobs a priority (personally I would not have moved until having this in place) and throw yourself into life in your new home. The problem is, you still have a foot back in your old town because dh is still living there five days a week - he hasn't really moved at all. I speak as someone who has moved a lot through necessity and I find the best way to settle in is to get on with it and stop harking back to the place I was living before. There are doubtless pros and cons of both scenarios - nothing is ever completely clear cut - you need to get your glass half full specs on and get on with it.

Really good advice from Lillian and Buxbaum.

As it stands neither place is 100%, both have their pluses and minuses. And you could make either place work.

I'm really grateful for the replies, and reassurances. The differences in opinion are a great reflection of my head on any given day!

Yes, now it seems ridiculous that we moved before a job for dh-I will get a job no problem, so that won't be an issue when my leave is up. Main reason for going ahead anyway was 1. His job allowed us to get a 'home', instead of a rental, and more so because dc1 was starting school, felt now or never, don't think would ever have left once he was settled in primary.

It has taken away the stress of all the travelling and fretting and helplessness while away from dps. No it wouldn't be possible for them to move to old place, and yes the help is one way, that's just how it is, can't be helped. We thought dh would get something but now I just don't know and despite definitely wanting to feel have given it a proper go, I don't want so much time to pass, that returning will seem wrong too. Absolutely head wrecked.

Took me atleast 2 years to get settled into our new home and town. Jobs stayed the same though.

I would give it a little longer before you make any rash decisions

Another thing- which I don't know if it's significant or silly- is that I felt I was one of the people in other place, whereas I was surprised to find I didn't feel that here. Hmmm saying that now it probably does seem silly.

Have been thinking about this thread op as it resonated with me many years ago. Today I would buy a property in the old location and rent it out. Rent in my hometown unless in a position to buy another property to live in. Stay put while DF needed me but also work on maintaining links with the old place and building new friendships in the hometown.

A couple of years out of your lives isn’t irrevocable, you could move back later if you still wanted to and having a property there might help you keep pace. But you may well find you settle.