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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House move regret-advice needed!

83 replies

mikado1 · 01/01/2018 09:35

I would love some experienced, reasoned and objective advice. I moved to my hometown 6m ago after much naval gazing, and not much conviction except this was the chance to do what I'd always wanted and move 'home'. My father is not well, long term, and dps reliant on frequent visits so that was certainly a large part of decision. House bigger here, mortgage much much less.

But...you guessed it....I just want to go back in time to old place! Miss the surroundings and much more outdoorsy life. My job and OH's are still there ( I took leave and he's there money-fri as no job here yet). Aibu today think of going back? Would you go back? We're talking an extra 1k needed per month and a smaller house..and the hassle of reversing it all. Would love advice. Feel trapped and heavy with regret.

Dc1 just started primary, another reason for timing but could get a place in good school.. I it crazy money wise? Is easier access to outdoors life so important? Have I given new life enough time?

OP posts:
Lovely333 · 02/01/2018 16:19

We moved as I felt suffocated in my home town and needed new experiences changed our life for the better I dont miss where we used to live at all, But I am glad of that, This is our home now and I have never felt happier, If you moss where u used to live I would go back personally.

Lovely333 · 02/01/2018 16:20

Miss not moss

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2018 16:47

You haven’t really been there long enough to feel ‘one of the people’.

Original poster
mikado1 · 02/01/2018 18:15

Tatiana, I don't even me am knowing people, I can't quite explain it. Pearl, unfortunately we have bought here- dh didn't want to be a landlord so have sold our old place :( So you were in same boat Lovely33 , you moved home then returned to previous place? It's such a pity there's such a huge difference in houseprices but I suppose we were paying that big mortgage anyway and managing and I'm not really a huge consumer..

OP posts:
LillianGish · 02/01/2018 18:53

It has taken away the stress of all the travelling and fretting and helplessness while away from dps. This is what you need to focus on. if you move back. I think the truth is there are pros and cons to both places, but having taken the leap I'd urge you to stick to your guns. Throw yourself into life where you are living - get involved at the school, find a job put down some new roots and appreciate the fact that you can do all this without having to worry about your dps. The fact that you have sold up to move would settle it for me - if it was just a case of waiting to get possession of your old house that's one thing, but having to sell up and buy again you'll be starting again in the old place to a certain extent. Look forward, not back - actually that's good advice at any point in life.

Original poster
mikado1 · 02/01/2018 21:38

Thanks Lillian... I know you're right I am awful for looking back. I'm wondering right now what you all would have advised if I'd ppsted before the move..
Just to clarify, dh is not commuting, he's away mon-Fri, working from home not an option.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 02/01/2018 21:52

What people might have said about a hypothetical scenario is not relevant. We don’t even know what cities you’re talking about so it wouldn’t have been possible to give informed advice.

My dad always said ‘it’s not necessarily about making the right decision, but making the decision right for you’.

Pearlsaringer · 02/01/2018 22:16

I get not wanting to be a landlord, it’s not ideal. But it would give you options. If the property market where you came from is buoyant, it might be a better long term investment than owning in your hometown.

Lovely333 · 02/01/2018 22:25

No mikado I moved away from my hometown, I felt I had to I just needed something it didnt give me, I wasnt happy there, I sold my house and went into rented where we are now so I knew where I wanted to buy in our new area best decision we made. I also would have the option to go back easier if need be but I dont want to go back so we are buying here now.
If you arent happy go back, or find somewhere else you might like a bit closer to your Dad.
Be where you are happiest I think it really does make a difference living somewhere you love.

Original poster
mikado1 · 02/01/2018 22:26

Oh absolutely. But if we were to buy there again, we'd be moving back.

OP posts:
Original poster
mikado1 · 02/01/2018 22:29

X post with you lovely. I am visiting old place on weekend. I plan to go early and breathe it in before I meet my friends and see how I really feel. At the moment it seems an idyllic place because of the outdoor spaces nearby and the scenery. But I know my heart lurched each time on the last Lao of the journey there from home... sad to leave DF but also tired of the journeying. Hard to get a realistic picture. Situation with my DF has coloured so much for me.

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 02/01/2018 22:36

We moved nearly 4 years ago now. It was about a year ago I think when I stopped having the occasional episode of sobbing "I want to go home" Blush. Honestly, there are still things I miss about our old location, but I am finally now feeling attached to the new one, but it did take 3 years I think. I'm also the sort of person who over-analyses things so I am prone to regret - if you look hard enough for reasons to regret decisions, you will always find them. I would allow yourself the possibility of moving back, but put a timeframe on it of a few years. I bet you won't want to by then, but if you do, you still can!

Lovely333 · 02/01/2018 22:39

I can see what you mean about outdoor spaces for me it just makes me feel better brighter happier being somewhere green and pretty, Sounds like you are the same way, Such a crappy situation to be in, I hope you find a solution right for you Mikado.

LillianGish · 03/01/2018 09:12

Sorry to keep banging the same drum mikado, but nothing is perfect. There is no right or wrong decision. I'm not sure going back at the weekends and getting all dewy eyed about how lovely everything was in your old town is the best way to move forward.

Pearlsaringer · 03/01/2018 09:35

Kind of echo what Lillian said about going back, it might be soothing in these early months of your move but your focus needs to be on where you are.

One more thing, it’s important that how you feel doesn’t colour your DH and DC’s experience. Try to be positive if you can, even if you do decide to return to your old place.

Runningtothesea · 03/01/2018 09:48

Do you think you could perhaps have a five / ten year plan ..stay there for that time, try to save a pot of money, plan the next location in great detail and then go...it will give you a positive to focus on.
I'm in a similar boat, but 18 months in. I can't bear to visit where we used to live as it cuts me up too much. It was very beautiful. My new location is growing on me, it will never measure up to previous but I have my escape plan and that gives me a focus.. also making friends has been a game changer.
I wish you well, it's a soul destroying situation, even if it was with the best of intentions.

LillianGish · 03/01/2018 10:34

I don't think going back will solve any of the op's dissatisfaction - she'll still be dissatisfied, just about different things. She'll be out of pocket from two moves in quick succession, living in yet another new house which probably won't measure up to the one she used to live in (rose-tinted specs and all that), everything will have slightly changed in the interim (dc at new school, new people arrived, others left) and she will be worrying about her dps and travelling backwards and forwards to see them. She won't be turning back the clock she'll be going back to a place where everything has moved on a notch. She needs to to stop looking elsewhere for greener grass and look at the grass under her feet and see what she do to green that up.

Mishappening · 03/01/2018 10:38

I think that you will not settle where you are now if you are hankering after going back. This will stop you throwing yourself into your new life, which is the only way it will succeed. Have you gone from country to town? Is there nothing outdoorsy in the locality at all?

I think you need to re-align your head and start throwing yourself into building your new life.

Original poster
mikado1 · 03/01/2018 15:22

I can't admit it to anyone but there was a certain gloss/superiority to other place and I miss it and all the facilities on offer!

No apologies Lillian, I appreciate your straight talking and know you're speaking a lot of sense. This will ve my first return and it's an annual lunch so want to still do these things.

OP posts:
LillianGish · 03/01/2018 16:03

I’m dying to know where you moved from and to now!

Pearlsaringer · 03/01/2018 16:17

Same here mikado, moved from a fairly well heeled part of London to a decidedly ‘ordinary’ rural town. I missed the finesse of the first place and struggled to find people on my wavelength but have come to appreciate the lack of pretentiousness and warmer community spirit in my adopted home. It will take some adjustment on your part, and I still feel sad at some of the things I had to give up, but there are benefits to be found in both places. I stick with my original thought, if you are going to do it, do it quickly.

Original poster
mikado1 · 03/01/2018 21:08

I could pm you Lillian, though I think to the outside eye, the 'better spot' is obvious, but it was my connection to home- which now seems totally overblown - and the effect of long tee illness for DF- which influenced the move.

Pearlsaringer, it really sounds such a similar move! But you are happy now and seems ultimately it was a good move?

OP posts:
Turnocks34 · 03/01/2018 21:23

Same position here. Moved from the lovely Holmfirth, full of gorgeous scenery, really friendly locals and tight community, back home when I had my son, as I wanted to be near my family and they all live in the same town. I find our town very grey, not as friendly and I miss holmfirth so much. To move back would cost us £800pm and we can't justify it. We have also enrolled DS1 in school now too and I just don't want to deal with the upheaval again!

Original poster
mikado1 · 03/01/2018 21:34

When did you move Turnocks?

I worked out current mortgage costing 11% monthly net (not Inc dh's cost of living and renting away), old place cost 30%.. and living costs in general more. Yes v welcoming and active community- regular meetups with other mums for picnics/days out etc. Here it feels people more settled and tend to stick to family/v close friends. And yet two old school friends have been fab and am going out with one plus her friends tomorrow.

OP posts:
csigeek · 03/01/2018 21:55

We did this. Lived in a big city and moved to my small home town. Immediately missed everything being in close proximity, having to travel for good shops etc. For about a year really wanted to move back but it made no sense so we stuck it out and now I've got to say I wouldn't move back to the big city if you paid me! Hope it works out for you OP whatever you do