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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to lie?

80 replies

nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 14:23

I was arguing a bit with my husband yesterday and one of the things that he brought up is he hates the fact I lie.

It's true, I lie a lot about little things. But it is because I don't like confrontation so I tell lies to avoid him getting annoyed with me. Yesterday's row was because I went to a shopping centre as I wanted to see if they had something in stock, but it wasn't in our local one, when he asked where I'd been I said to town a instead of town b.

Usually he doesn't find out but sometimes he does and gets annoyed,

So is it me who is in the wrong or him.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 03/12/2017 14:27

Erm this is one of those situations where on the face of it you are being very unreasonable. There is nothing worse than someone who lies about the smallest, insignificant things as you end up not knowing whether you’re coming or going.

But, you’ve mentioned it that you do it to avoid him getting annoyed with you. You shouldn’t feel that you have to lie to avoid someone becoming mardy with you.

I feel like this is one of those situations where you both need to work on yourselves and communicate better.

Tinselistacky · 03/12/2017 14:27

Him being abusive is worse than your lies ...
Tell him you lie to keep yourself safe from his bad attitude and see what he says to that.

DollyPartonsBeard · 03/12/2017 14:28

Not sure I can think of a good reason to tell lies like these. If he gets annoyed with you when you tell the truth then there's a bigger underlying problem that you need to think hard about. There's already a trust issue here - you need to work out why telling him the truth has become such a problem.

Personally, I'd be annoyed if I discovered someone was telling me petty lies all the time, because it's quite a weird thing to do, and can potentially make a fool out of someone, as well as deliberately misleading them. If someone was telling me lies about small things, inevitably I'd start to wonder about bigger lies.

Pecano · 03/12/2017 14:29

My DH used to lie about little things, usually if he knew I wasgoing to be annoyed about it. I hate it, it really bothers me because I feel like he has no respect for me when he lies to my face.
Personally I think if someone lies about unimportant things, what’s to stop them being dishonest about bigger issues too?

I think YABU

x2boys · 03/12/2017 14:29

The problem with people who tell lies frequently is that others never know when the person who tells lies is telling the truth its annoying and small lies can snowball.

Poshindevon · 03/12/2017 14:30

Sounds as if you and your marriage have problems if feel you need to lie about where you went shopping.
You are being very unreasonable to lie.

kaytee87 · 03/12/2017 14:31

Why do you feel he would be annoyed if you had told him where you really were?

ArgyMargy · 03/12/2017 14:31

Do you only lie to him, or do you do this with other people?

thecatfromjapan · 03/12/2017 14:31

When you say you lie to avoid confrontation - what does that confrontation consist of?

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2017 14:32

It's unrealistic to think it's never alright to lie (eg 'Oh I'm so sorry I missed what would have been a very awkward phone call, I didn't hear it ring') but with what you're describing, it would depend on what exactly you mean by him getting annoyed.

How annoyed?

If it's just a bit of a annoyance that would be over in a few mins then you probably are being unreasonable.

But if you've found yourself walking on eggshells wondering what's going to set him off next, and the consequences of his disapproval would be 2/3 days sulking until you apologise for breathing, or worse, then YANBU at all to tell him what you think he wants to hear.

The latter, I'm sure you know, would mean a few porkies are the least of you probs and you need to think about LTB maybe?

ByThePowerOfRa · 03/12/2017 14:32

My first thought is the same as @captain’s.

On the face of it, it seems as if you’re BU. But, if the “I hate confrontation and I don’t want him to he annoyed with me”, means you’re actually scared of him, then it could be a bigger problem.

fricative · 03/12/2017 14:33

Amazing.

OP is a compulsive liar and already it's DH's fault.

Eolian · 03/12/2017 14:34

If he actually gets unreasonably angry and controlling about things you do, do that you have genuine cause to be nervous about telling him the truth, then YANBU and LTB. If you just mean that you lie to avoid minor disagreements then very much YABU.

ChelleDawg2020 · 03/12/2017 14:34

YABU. If you can't be honest with him about little things, how do you expect to be trusted when it comes to something important?

The issue though that you need to confront is why you feel that he gets "annoyed" by these little things. Why would he be annoyed that you went to Town A instead of Town B? What reaction would he have if you told him the truth?

Either you are not telling the whole story and there is a good reason to lie - he might be abusive, which would be the real problem here - or you have no reason to fear telling the truth.

SendintheArdwolves · 03/12/2017 14:36

It's hard for us to know if you are BU or he is - it would be really helpful if you could tell us:

Is your partner the only person you lie to in this way?

Maybe in your other relationships/friendships/family/past partners you never felt as though you wanted/needed to lie. Or maybe you have always had a pattern of 'little white lies' to avoid trouble/smooth your life out.

I have to say, if my partner habitually lied about things like which shopping centre they had been to, I would get pretty annoyed too.

ByThePowerOfRa · 03/12/2017 14:37

“Amazing.

OP is a compulsive liar and already it's DH's fault.”

Oh don’t be deliberately obtuse please. I think most poster’s, (except one), who have even hinted at their potentially being a problem with the dp have said IT DEPENDS on what the “confrontation” and “getting annoyed with” means.

If it’s just that he might get a bit miffed, that’s perfectly normal, but sometimes these threads end up being worse than that, so not fair to assume either way imo.

ByThePowerOfRa · 03/12/2017 14:38

*there

toolonglurking · 03/12/2017 14:38

Unless there is a big dripfeed coming, YABU to lie about something so pointless.

ByThePowerOfRa · 03/12/2017 14:39

And *posters

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2017 14:40

You've never had to live with a manipulative sulker then fricative?

Lucky you.

I've never gone down the lying route but I know what it's like to try and placate someone so they don't punish you for a multitude of random rules they've made up to make you 'wrong'.

Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 14:40

I'm not saying I'm a compulsive liar at all. It's because he hangs onto things so if I said today I went to town b and then six months later we are short of money he will tell me it's because of me swanning off all round the country shopping. Even though I don't. But then obviously when I get caught in a lie I'm in the wrong for lying. I can just never get him to see if lie because of him.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2017 14:44

If you feel like you have to lie to keep him happy, something is badly wrong on your relationship.

ByThePowerOfRa · 03/12/2017 14:45

Thanks for update op! Again, to me, it sort of depends; if you’re short of money later in the month, is that because you have overspent on something unnecessary? I don’t think it’s overly confrontational of him to point that out, if it’s true.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 03/12/2017 14:45

@fricative

I’m not saying it’s 100% all her DH fault. I do think on the face of it, compulsive lying is a really serious issue but I think it would be unfair to not take into consideration that some people in relationships lie to avoid confrontation, then it becomes like second nature.

Without point any fingers, people can get into very unhealthy dynamics. OP has a lying issue but she might also have a relationship issue to where she feels she has to lie to get a positive response. I think sometimes empathy and trying to understand a situation can go a long way instead of telling the OP that she is a terrible person. If it is all about her lying, then she needs to seek help to combat that as it isn’t normal behaviour.

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