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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to lie?

80 replies

nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 14:23

I was arguing a bit with my husband yesterday and one of the things that he brought up is he hates the fact I lie.

It's true, I lie a lot about little things. But it is because I don't like confrontation so I tell lies to avoid him getting annoyed with me. Yesterday's row was because I went to a shopping centre as I wanted to see if they had something in stock, but it wasn't in our local one, when he asked where I'd been I said to town a instead of town b.

Usually he doesn't find out but sometimes he does and gets annoyed,

So is it me who is in the wrong or him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 15:20

Town b is further away. So more in petrol. I've not had any previous relationships ... sad I Know!

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 03/12/2017 15:20

If you have to lie to someone to atop them from kicking off, the relationship isn’t healthy.

Oysterbabe · 03/12/2017 15:21

Yabu. If my DH lied to me about little things all the time I wouldn't trust anything he said.

MadeForThis · 03/12/2017 15:23

I hate anyone to lie to me.
Small lies are awful because if someone lies about the small stuff you can't trust them to tell the truth about the big stuff.

Your arguement doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't he just accuse you of spending money in town A months later. What's so special about town B.

You have avoided answering questions about other types of lies. Who else do you lie to? How long have you been lying. What other things do you lie about?

Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 15:26

I haven't avoided it. I missed them, sorry

I only lie to him other than your bun doesn't look big type lies.
I mostly lie to him about money, what things cost, where I have been. Just to stop arguments.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2017 15:39

It isn’t good you feel the need to conceal the truth from him and it’s awful he throws stuff like this back at you months later.

Do you have a good hold over your finances? Is he the breadwinner and struggling with the financial burden? I’m just wanting to understand why he feels the need to be like this to ascertain if it’s because he stressed or controlling.

Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 15:42

It's not just about money, and I don't overspend or anything.

Maybe i do need to stop, but I've got into a bad habit now where I can't be bothered with the arguing.

OP posts:
MeadowHay · 03/12/2017 15:44

I find this super sad from your posts OP, it sounds difficult and stressful for the both of you really and just really sad. I feel like the two of you need to sit down and talk about this properly and work on improving the communication between the two of you? If he's really not up for that I would be really reassessing the relationship that you have. It's not normal to have a partner that you feel you have to lie to them so much about small things so as not to have it thrown back in your face later, that's really not normal Sad.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2017 15:59

Agree with thecat's post.

'You're not someone to be 'told off'; your decisions are made in good faith, for the best of intentions - and he is implying that you are constantly doing things for ill-intentioned reasons'

Even if her decisions weren't made in good faith or for ill-intentioned reasons, even if she decided to go to a town further away just because she felt like it, I can understand her trying to avoid him laying whatever troubles they've got solely at her feet because of some random small thing she did months ago.

Saying that though, I've got a pretty good memory and am not above bringing up stuff I remember from a while ago to back up that the other person is a serial twat things I'm saying in an argument a discussion.

And I'm also guilty of lying by omission to avoid unpleasantness or anger directed at my DD by an adult, so maybe I'm just an all round shit Grin

VladmirsPoutine · 03/12/2017 16:31

This is just isn't right. You are both being unreasonable. Him for going on at you and you for lying over something entirely inconsequential.

Are you two ever able to have a sensible conversation about this, or anything at all for that matter?

1DAD2KIDS · 03/12/2017 16:35

My ex was a compulsive lier, to be fair I think she had some kind of disorder. Her lies (and in her case cheating) caused a lot of pain. If you are normally truthful and the way he is causes you to lie that is very in healthy. Likewise wise is your a natural porky teller that is not healthy and you may need help with that.

OliviaBenson · 03/12/2017 16:58

But the thing is he knew you had bought the thing, you said it was from a different place. So your excuse makes no sense.

Little white lies kill any kind of respect etc.

Either way it sounds like your relationship is in trouble.

Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 17:17

It's the difference between petrol to a town 2 miles away and one 5 miles away. He gets twitchy about stuff like that.

OP posts:
tumblrpigeon · 03/12/2017 17:19

Please stop all lies. I work with someone who tells tiny pointless lies that she perceives will keep her out of possible trouble. It’s soul destroying to be lied to.

And stand up for yourself if he has a go at you.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2017 17:32

'It's the difference between petrol to a town 2 miles away and one 5 miles away. He gets twitchy about stuff like that.'

I was thinking maybe 10-15 miles.

3 miles??

He sounds like the kind of person who'd ask for the 15p back he'd lent you two weeks ago!

I know money can be tight sometimes but how can you stand it?

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatIsMyEnemy · 03/12/2017 17:34

He sounds abusive.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2017 19:08

'And stop lying, you're feeding the fire.'

I hadn't thought of it like that, that lying and hiding totally normal things makes it look as though she thinks he's got a point.

That she thinks it's wrong as well.

Instead of challenging him and telling him where to get off.

Glumglowworm · 03/12/2017 19:21

It sounds like a pretty shit relationship tbh

You shouldn’t lie but more importantly, he shouldn’t be so controlling that you feel you have to lie.

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedSkyAtNight · 03/12/2017 20:56

Again I think it depends. spending an extra bit of petrol on travelling 3 miles as a once off is really not a big deal, but if OP is continually spending just a bit more on everything then it could be soon mounting up and perhaps affecting their finances?

My DH used to be like this - I couldn't care less that he'd spent 50p extra on something once, it was that he was constantly spending an extra £1 there and an extra fiver here, and it soon mounted up to a tidy sum.

I think OP needs to be very honest about whether DH has a point if he is getting annoyed. Though as she's lying about it, she's only assuming that he will get annoyed!

becotide · 03/12/2017 20:56

Even if you stop lying, you aren't going to fix your shitty relationship. Someone who gets'twitchy' about the difference between 5 miles away and 3 miles away, unless you have previously had an affair which involved your usually barrage of lies, is just being a control freak and it's not going to stop.

Stop lying to damp down his behaviour, and if he behaves like a shithead, kick him out.

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 21:18

It's not that simple becotide

OP posts: