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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to lie?

80 replies

nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 14:23

I was arguing a bit with my husband yesterday and one of the things that he brought up is he hates the fact I lie.

It's true, I lie a lot about little things. But it is because I don't like confrontation so I tell lies to avoid him getting annoyed with me. Yesterday's row was because I went to a shopping centre as I wanted to see if they had something in stock, but it wasn't in our local one, when he asked where I'd been I said to town a instead of town b.

Usually he doesn't find out but sometimes he does and gets annoyed,

So is it me who is in the wrong or him.

OP posts:
cathyclown · 03/12/2017 14:45

Seems to be a self protecting thing to me.

But that's just at first glance.

genever · 03/12/2017 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 03/12/2017 14:48

OP if you have to lie, then you need to leave.

cathyclown · 03/12/2017 14:50

Captain,

I do realise we know nothing about the relationship here, but if someone feels they have to lie to protect themselves from DP getting annoyed at them, there is something not quite right going on.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 03/12/2017 14:52

Cathy, I 100% agree.

LemonysSnicket · 03/12/2017 14:55

Its a case of, if youre always lying about little thipngs then how the hell does he lnow if youre lying about big ones. It stupidly erodes trust. Plus it gets really annoying, my DB is the same and it just makes me think im clearly not important to him if he doesnt think i merit the truth or even just to know any little thing about his life. Its an awful trait.

tryxilaflap · 03/12/2017 14:56

Agree - potentially abusive if you're doing this to protect yourself...

Do you or would you berate him like this? Or any other person you are close to? If not then you have your answer...

becotide · 03/12/2017 14:57

This is complex

You lie because you fear confrontation. He is infuriated by your petty dishonesty. Do you know what it's like to live with someone you can't trust on even the tiniest detail? it's heartbreaking

AdalindSchade · 03/12/2017 14:57

It's not compulsive lying, she's doing it for a reason.

If you're lying to avoid your husband being horrible to you then your marriage is fucked.

JacquesHammer · 03/12/2017 14:59

If you feel you have to lie to maintain the status quo I would be concerned about the level of manipulation you're suffering

Branleuse · 03/12/2017 15:01

I couldnt be bothered even talking to someone that lied a lot. What on earth would be the point? Tedious. You cant trust a liar

Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 15:03

I don't lie for the fun of it. I just hate him going on at me. But you're right about it eroding trust I suppose.

It's not really about money it's just like yesterday if I'd said I went to town B he'd have said oh, OK. Then January, February, March could go by, then at easter we might be discussing holidays and he'd shout at me and say wed have more to spend if you didn't keep going to town B.

That's why I lie.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 03/12/2017 15:04

OP what would be the reason why you are short of money later in the month?

I used to lie to my DH when we were first together because that's what my Mother did. She needed to, my Father was abusive.

It took patience on my DH's part, to get me to realise what a relationship should be like.

It sounds as though both of you need to discuss things openly and see if you can fix it or part.

Birdsgottafly · 03/12/2017 15:05

X post, you need to confront the issue, or decide a budget and stick to it.

Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 15:07

It's not really about money. Thanks, though.

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 03/12/2017 15:08

It's not really about money

No. It sounds like it's about him throwing things in your face in a blaming kind of way. Which really isn't on at all.

You know it's U to tell lies; everyone does. The fact that you feel the need to lie to him to prevent any sort of shouting match months later is just awful.

HoHoHoHo · 03/12/2017 15:08

I had an ex that did this and we only lasted 4 months because, although he was lovely to me and I was really falling for him it made me feel like i couldn't trust him. He'd lie about what he'd had for dinner or where he'd been that day when there was no reason to.

WateryBintDistributingSwords · 03/12/2017 15:09

People who lie easily do it because it's a coping mechanism. Sometimes it's warranted but sometimes it's not.

It's very difficult to advise OP because under pressure she'll be incentivized to lie, including in answers to OP. OP: can you please please think really and hard and try to be honest about one thing? Have you lied in other relationships or situations?

Please be honest. No one can help or advise if you won't tell the truth. Think back to family, friends, work, school, uni... did you also have a tendency to lie your way out of difficult confrontations in those situations too?

Chewbecca · 03/12/2017 15:11

I still don't understand your lie there. Surely he'd say 'we'd have more to spend if you didn't keep going to town a' if you'd told him the true town?

I'm someone that really dislikes lying. It is pointless and leads to problems. If the truth is unpalatable or not right, don't do it in the first place! If you're comfortable with what you are doing, there is no need to lie.

Apileofballyhoo · 03/12/2017 15:11

YABU to stay with someone who treats you like that.

thecatfromjapan · 03/12/2017 15:15

OK. So he hoards facts and details and uses them against you.

You lie, so that he doesn't have facts and details that he can use against you at a later date.

He has to stop that.

It's not a healthy relationship, you know. You're not someone to be 'told off'; your decisions are made in good faith, for the best of intentions - and he is implying that you are constantly doing things for ill-intentioned reasons (which is deranged thinking, actually, if you consider it seriously); it means you are having to be ridiculously secretive.

How deep does this go? In all honesty, can his 'script' (sulking; assuming the worst of the things you do) be changed? How much does this impact on how you live your life and feel about yourself?

Does he listen to you? And really respect and believe you when you tell him his behaviour hurts you? Can he change if you tell him you need all this to stop so that you two can have a real - adult - relationship?

1DAD2KIDS · 03/12/2017 15:16

Surely it's not a healthy relationship without honesty? Maybe it more a case not of AIBU but am I with the right person (assuming with someone else you wouldn't lie)?

Starlight2345 · 03/12/2017 15:18

I still don't really understand the issue either.

There is something wrong in a relationship where you have to lie about where you go shopping.

My exh used to lie ( note the word ex) it eroded trust completely and I never really believed anything he said. It was about doing exactly what I knew he would disapprove of with least issues.

So whether you are are unreasonable to lie yes. Is there a way forward for you both I have no idea..

This is one example my guess is there is a lot more.

Original poster
nutellatruffle · 03/12/2017 15:19

I don't know. It's been gradual and so I've gradually noticed I've become more and more selective with the truth. In turn he is becoming more canny with catching me out.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 03/12/2017 15:19

But why would town B be any different than town A?

None of this sounds healthy. Have you lied in previous relationships or just this one?