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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To think the school should’ve contacted me

89 replies

Bigboobielou · 01/12/2017 22:14

To think if a child leaves a note for a teacher at school about a genuine concern that they should contact the child’s DM!?

My DS (8 yr old) has been anxious and cranky for weeks. I’d put it down to a fallout he had with his best friend but after I sat down with him tonight to have a chat about his moodiness, he broke down and admitted he was concerned about his Dad/my stbxh saying horrible things about me in his presence.

My stbxh has told my DS not to tell me about anything he says about me, and it’s been causing my DS much distress. My DS is very sensitive as it is.

It later transpired that my DS left a note about this for a teacher at school and it’s gone completely ignored! My DS says he left it on the desk and watched the teacher pick it up. The teacher didn’t talk to my DS about the note or the concerns he has and they have failed to contact me! I’ve checked his backpack and the parent/teacher portal online and nothing! I’m fuming about this.

Is this normal school procedure or am I right to think this is very concerning?

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 01/12/2017 22:20

Is hard to say what has happened, but
did he put this name to it? Did he ask for help? Was there anything he wrote that invited a reply? Would she have known who it came from? What did he say?

And when was it?

Anasnake · 01/12/2017 22:24

This is an issue between you and your ex

Blondephantom · 01/12/2017 22:30

I’d wait to see what happens on Monday. The teacher may have wanted to seek advice on how to deal with the situation. Or they may have not had chance to speak to your son as it is Friday. Or glanced briefly at the note, realised it was from a pupil and put it safe to read properly once there were no children around. Little eyes and ears can be everywhere in a classroom.

If you get no joy on Monday, I’d contact the teacher or ask to speak to him after school.

KittyVonCatsington · 01/12/2017 22:30

Teacher will have to go through safeguarding procedures and that includes not talking to your son or you until the Safe Guarding Officer decides what to do. That is, if your DS even wrote his name on the but of paper....

Original poster
Bigboobielou · 01/12/2017 22:33

My DS says he definitely put his name on the note and he says he said that he was scared because his dad says nasty things to him and he’s not allowed to tell his Mummy (Breaks my heart to write that)

He said he left note around 3 weeks ago. But his teacher hasn’t mentioned it at all, when I think back, I’ve seen him (teacher) multiple times since and as far as I can remember, he’s acted normally and with no concerns.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2017 22:40

First port of call for a teacher that has been put in this position is to pass the information on to the school's child protection officer.

they will then make a decision on what the next course of action is and whether to instruct external agencies.

In situations where a child is identified as vulnerable contacting home could put the child in greater danger.

By all means contact the school but go in in a calm manner and explain that your DC has broken down and told you what is going on.

Hausfrauenvy · 01/12/2017 22:40

The message might not have been written clearly. It might not have explained the situation in detail. For example, a note with "My dad is upset with my mum" might not ring any alarm bells, especially if not signed.

It is worrying that you are "fuming" with the teacher rather than stbx. The teacher didnt do this.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 01/12/2017 22:43

I can't believe some of these replies! Of course the teacher should have taken action! A child reached out to them about emotional abuse and they did NOTHING!

This is why children who are in serious situations get ignored and then people say "Why didn't their teacher help?"

OP make an appointment with the teacher and the head immediately.

Also...what are you going to do about your ex?

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2017 22:44

As it has been 3 weeks, contact the school and follow up.

Hausfrauenvy · 01/12/2017 22:45

Sorry, just saw your update. Either the teacher didnt get the note or hasnt dealt with it. Essentialy you just need the teacher on side to help your DS. Make an appointment. Explain that your DS tried to write to the teacher 3 weeks ago and that DS thought he saw the teacher with the note.
Tell the teacher what has been going on, and that DS needs extra support. Also make it clear that you need to be informedif your DS is upset again.

Sorry you're going through this.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2017 22:46

CheapSausagesAndSpam
I can't believe some of these replies! Of course the teacher should have taken action! A child reached out to them about emotional abuse and they did NOTHING!

with all respect you don't know what the teacher did or didn't do, or what the CPO (or external agencies) have advised that they do.

Ttbb · 01/12/2017 22:46

This is considered abuse these days. I would be very concerned that they did nothing.

Ragusa · 01/12/2017 22:48

If the note was clearly written, and had the child's name on it, it is totally reasonable to expect the school to act on it. It's their duty under child protection and safeguarding legislation.

however.... perhaps they have taken action, as other people above have suggested. Although 3 weeks does seem too long for following up safeguarding concerns, though.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/12/2017 22:52

Would saying nasty things necessarily result in anything more than it being noted by overworked social workers though? Or they may have spoken to the father who knows?

Original poster
Bigboobielou · 01/12/2017 22:55

Hausfrauenvy - thanks for your reply but are you serious? I’m beyond pissed off with my stbxh, I'm not exactly happy with him. Do I even need to state that. I’m dealing with him through court and i’ll be reporting this to my solicitor on Monday.

I need advice on how to deal with the school as my son was obviously suffering as a result of this and the school have known for weeks and not even mentioned it. of-course I’m fuming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigboobielou · 01/12/2017 22:59

CorbynsBumFlannel - I’m really not sure. My stbxh has a history of DV, hence the divorce. The school are aware of this. If they’ve contacted him, he’ll of-course deny it all. And this puts my child in a difficult position. So I hope to god they wouldn’t be that silly.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/12/2017 23:01

I meant children's services. I think the school would probably pass it on to them rather than get involved directly. Especially if violence is involved. If they spoke to you and you went and challenged him for eg it could make things worse.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 01/12/2017 23:04

I do think the teacher should have spoken to your son straightaway after seeing the note and then possibly got the school counsellor/learning mentor involved. I don't necessarily think they should have automatically contacted you though.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 01/12/2017 23:06

At the very least she or he should have spoken to your son privately and then, should have sought advice from the HT or followed protocol...and then contacted you.

Whoever said that OP has no idea what's been done....she knws what hasn't been done though!

That's anyone speaking with her child to ensure he is ok...or contacting HER to let her know what he wrote!! THREE WEEKS AGO this happened.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2017 23:10

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall

Teachers in this situation are instructed not to talk to the child as this could problems in any legal proceedings that may follow. (it could be seen as leading the child)

In this case it is highly likely that as the child has initiated contacted in written form, that the teacher has been told to wait and allow the child to initiate further contact, either by writing or by approaching the teacher and speaking to them.

Original poster
Bigboobielou · 01/12/2017 23:16

CheapSausagesAndSpam, Thank you, I agree, it’s obvious emotional abuse. My son needs the schools support, too.

I’ll be stopping contact immediately as well as reporting this to my solicitor on Monday. I’ll report stbxh to SS and CAFCASS.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 01/12/2017 23:16

He left a note for his teacher saying he wasn't allowed to tell his Mum, and then he told you about leaving the note? Confused. Or did you find out by other means?

Witchend · 01/12/2017 23:20

He saw the teacher pick it up, doesn't necessarily mean that they read it. I picked up a couple of papers off the table this evening that I knew I'd popped down when the phone rang and went to put them in the recycling. Luckily dd2 managed to grab me on the way past as she saw her history homework mixed up in it. Don't know how as it seemed to have got between two sheets, but there it was.

It also depends what has been said.
"My daddy says nasty things" may have produced a casual conversation which he didn't even realise was a follow up where he seemed to be not bothered.
Ds told me today that daddy was saying nasty things-by which he meant he'd told him to go to bed and not in a particularly nasty way-I heard himit was literally "no you can't finish your video (with 1.25 hours left on it), bedtime, off you go." So saying "daddy is saying nasty things to me" isn't immediately a cause for concern.

But also there will be protocol at school for safeguarding issues. The teacher will pass it onto the safeguarding person, and I would suspect that they then cannot say anything to you without the safeguarding person's say so. There may be things going on under the surface.

I would focus on ex is causing emotional abuse by what he's saying to ds, how can I help my ds when you talk to the school rather than the school is dreadful because they haven't acted on it.

Original poster
Bigboobielou · 01/12/2017 23:24

Thank you everyone for your replies, I can’t believe that this has happened and I’m so sad for my lovely DS. He doesn’t deserve this. I will arrange a meeting next week and see what they have to say. right now, I’m trying to keep calm

OP posts:
Alpacaandgo · 01/12/2017 23:36

I'm shocked the school has done nothing. A child has reached out and they haven't been acknowledged. Procedures or not that teacher should have spoken to your ds to at least reassure him they had the note and were going to help him even if the teacher didn't really know what to do. I'm shocked actually.

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