Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To think the school should’ve contacted me

89 replies

Bigboobielou · 01/12/2017 22:14

To think if a child leaves a note for a teacher at school about a genuine concern that they should contact the child’s DM!?

My DS (8 yr old) has been anxious and cranky for weeks. I’d put it down to a fallout he had with his best friend but after I sat down with him tonight to have a chat about his moodiness, he broke down and admitted he was concerned about his Dad/my stbxh saying horrible things about me in his presence.

My stbxh has told my DS not to tell me about anything he says about me, and it’s been causing my DS much distress. My DS is very sensitive as it is.

It later transpired that my DS left a note about this for a teacher at school and it’s gone completely ignored! My DS says he left it on the desk and watched the teacher pick it up. The teacher didn’t talk to my DS about the note or the concerns he has and they have failed to contact me! I’ve checked his backpack and the parent/teacher portal online and nothing! I’m fuming about this.

Is this normal school procedure or am I right to think this is very concerning?

OP posts:
chocolateorangeowls · 01/12/2017 23:38

It’s worth considering if your child saw the teacher pick up the note and read it - or just pick up the note. I’m in secondary school so a very different environment as I switch between classrooms a lot of the time, so at the end of the lesson I will pick up all the pieces of paper on my desk, but a lot of the time I just assume they are spare worksheets etc and they go in the bin so the room is clear for the next teacher.

If the teacher read it they should 100% have passed it onto the safeguarding team, a person involved in this should have then followed this up, not the class teacher.

Original poster
Bigboobielou · 02/12/2017 00:07

I’m really shocked, too. I’m wracking my brains trying to come up with a reason why there’s been no mention of it. I’m almost hoping there has been a mistake somewhere down the line. To think stbxh almost got away with this as a result and my DS suffered alone with this for weeks, too scared to tell me is really grating on me. I know the real problem is DS’s dad, he’s caused yet another upset for us. but I really thought the school were supporting DS. I guess i’ll find out next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigboobielou · 02/12/2017 00:10

My DS said he saw the teacher pick the note up but that he didn’t see him read it as DS then walked out of classroom. I hope what you say is true

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 02/12/2017 00:11

Fuck DS"s "Dad" as you've said, contact will now be stopped. Your DS is where you can focus now OP....get this sorted and get some support (counseling maybe for DS) then move on....leave the bastard in the past. Flowers

Original poster
Bigboobielou · 02/12/2017 00:20

CheapSausagesAndSpam- You’re right. He’s had too much of my energy already. Thank You FlowersFlowersFlowers

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 02/12/2017 00:51

This is something that you need to sort out not your child's teacher.

Original poster
Bigboobielou · 02/12/2017 01:16

Myheartbelongsto - you’ve completely missed the point, haven’t you? How was I supposed to ‘sort it out’ when the school didn’t inform me? I’m not currently psychic

OP posts:
farangatang · 02/12/2017 01:49

How brave of your DS to reach out, and I'm glad he has opened up to you, as if he feels ignored by his teacher, he may well have given up trying to share it with anyone again.

PPs are right in that teachers have to follow strict safeguarding reporting procedures, and are instructed to NEVER initiate/lead discussion with a child who has been identified as 'at risk' in some way, but to report any information they receive to the school safeguarding officer and hope that that child will approach them with more information.

If the teacher has seen this note and knows who it is from, I would be very surprised if it has been 'ignored'. Encourage your son to continue sharing with school staff, and you could also report this to the school now you know about it.

I feel so angry on your DS's behalf for the way he's been treated by his 'Dad'. Its so hard as a parent to see him emotionally damaged by this - you are a great mum for standing up for him. The school should be very grateful for you working with them on this.

Fitbitironic · 02/12/2017 02:16

Myheartbelongsto - you’ve completely missed the point, haven’t you? How was I supposed to ‘sort it out’ when the school didn’t inform me? I’m not currently psychic

No, with all due respect and sympathy for your situation, you don't even know if the teacher read it, or if it inadvertently was put in the bin/ filed with other papers, etc. Find this out first before you go laying blame at everyone else's door.

The whole fault in this belongs with dad.

Flowers
MidniteScribbler · 02/12/2017 03:18

You need to know if the teacher even knows anything about this yet. I found a card addressed to me by one of my students yesterday that they gave me over a month ago for my birthday. It was put on my desk and got mixed in with some assessment records, and I only found it yesterday when I went to file them.

Humptyhump1 · 02/12/2017 04:07

He left a note for his teacher saying he wasn't allowed to tell his Mum, and then he told you about leaving the note? . Or did you find out by other means?

The child is 8 left the note three weeks ago and has been unsettled since. The OP say and spoke with the child and he broke down and told her everything. That's the type of thing children do! Your post seems to disbelieve a very normal course of events!

Op, I think it's dreadful that the note was ignored, poof DS.

But go in calmly just in case there is a decent explanation.

And to all the PPs who say it's yours and Ex's issue to sort. Well if only life was that bloody easy. Your son and you can and should expect the school to assist with any issues caused by an uncontrollable ex!

HuskyMcClusky · 02/12/2017 04:23

In this case it is highly likely that as the child has initiated contacted in written form, that the teacher has been told to wait and allow the child to initiate further contact, either by writing or by approaching the teacher and speaking to them.

What is magical about the second ‘approach’?

PPs are right in that teachers have to follow strict safeguarding reporting procedures, and are instructed to NEVER initiate/lead discussion with a child who has been identified as 'at risk' in some way, but to report any information they receive to the school safeguarding officer and hope that that child will approach them with more information.

This makes no sense to me.

An 8-year-old child is not going to understand these processes. They’re just going to think, ‘Well, I told my teacher and was ignored’, and assume the teacher didn’t believe them or didn’t care! I doubt there would be any ‘further contact’ initiated by the child.

claraschu · 02/12/2017 04:24

I agree that the teacher might not have read the note... but if the teacher did read it:

Awful awful awful that a child who asks a trusted adult for help isn't immediately helped and comforted by that adult. I am very surprised and disappointed that the teacher isn't supposed to talk to the child, but to pass the information on. This would have felt like a devastating betrayal to me at that age.

farangatang · 02/12/2017 05:56

The Safequarding procedures are by no means perfect (understandable feelings of betrayal/being ignored by an adult to whom they have opened up).

However, when things get to the stage of SS being involved and potentially nasty legal cases, the teachers' evidence is entirely compromised if they are suspected of 'leading' a child in any way. As we all know, the legal system isn't always a justice system and bad people get away with things on technicalities. I think this must be why, although it is entirely human to empathise and comfort, there is a bigger picture to think of, i.e do everything possible to try to ensure those who behave in this way get the consequences they deserve.

Schools are constantly trying to find ways of giving the message to their kids that their teachers are trustworthy to hear them, but they are in similarly difficult situations when they have to tell kids who want to keep things 'confidential' that they are legally obliged to share any information.

The fact that OP's child didn't receive any acknowledgement at all from the teacher that the note had been received and read is potentially due to the fact that it wasn't. If it was, it is neglectful the child was not at least made aware that they had been heard and the information would be passed on. The child should also be made aware that anything they wanted to speak about with a staff member would be welcomed.

falange · 02/12/2017 06:10

Yabu. I'd wonder why the teacher hadn't acted on it. I'd ring the school and talk to them. I wouldn't be 'fuming'

DressedCrab · 02/12/2017 06:16

I can't believe the teacher read the note. It would surely have been acted upon if he/she did.

As another poster said, it probably went into the bin unread.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2017 06:20

I would go into school and find out about the note. If the note is still at school, this gives credence to your ds’s claim that his father is being manipulative and verbally abusive.

You also of course need to understand what happened with the note. And the teacher needs to give your ds an explanation and probably an apology so that he can regain confidence in the teachers.

ToDUK · 02/12/2017 06:31

with all respect you don't know what the teacher did or didn't do, or what the CPO (or external agencies) have advised that they do.

But we do know one thing. The teacher didn't follow this up with the child and that's really shocking.

In all the child protection training I've sat through we have been told the importance of not putting words in a child's mouth, it leading them to say specific things etc but that doesn't mean not speaking to them. This child has made a disclosure and it is really serious. The teacher or the designated child protection person should havr given them chance to speak using open questions that let them say what they want.

I'd be fuming too. How old is your ds? Please do see the teacher and the child protection person for the school. Poor child.

Slartybartfast · 02/12/2017 06:32

isnt the problem the ex?

bastardkitty · 02/12/2017 06:40

isnt the problem the ex?

The school has safeguarding responsibility for the child. So no it's not an issue with the ex or betwen OP and ex now that the child has told a teacher. So many excuses made for the teacher on this thread. The teacher should have told the child that she had read the note and would talk to someone about it.

parrotonmyshoulder · 02/12/2017 06:47

We need to stop perpetuating this myth that teachers are not ‘allowed’ to ask any questions when suspecting abuse or receiving a disclosure. Of course we don’t investigate or ask leading questions, but we can and do ask open questions like ‘can you tell me more about what daddy said?’ Or ‘when did this happen?’. We don’t, of course, say ‘did daddy say mummy was an evil witch?’ Or ‘did Dad call mum names again last night?’.
‘Listening’ to a child does not mean sitting in silence expecting them to speak to us.

Of course we pass it on, record concerns etc following our procedures, but certainly where I am, if Children’s Services were told the above information, it would sadly be met with a ‘so what?’ response.

Toast3 · 02/12/2017 06:49

This is so sad to read. Your poor DS...
There has to have been a mix up, surely? It just doesn’t make sense that a teacher [or any adult for that matter] would ignore such a heartfelt cry for help...
As for your stbex, well...it’s awful that he put his son in the middle of you both...my heart hurts for your DS... he ‘sounds’ like a sensitive soul...
Hugs to you both 😢

youarenotkiddingme · 02/12/2017 07:03

Your poor ds Sad

The teacher should have certainly done ‘something’.

I would put ball in their court as I find that helps avoid conflict.

So a simple “ds opened up to what’s been on his mind the past few weeks. Can I ask what action you took when you read his note and what the outcomes are so we can work together moving forward”.

Then you’ll get “we did this” - great move on.

Or a “what note?” “Ermmmmm” which you can say “oh ds left a note and saw teacher pick it up. This was content, obviously needs addressing - how can you support?”.

That way if they’ve fucked up (which people do) it’s been drawn attention to - but most importantly you’ve not alienated yourselves against the school with a combative conversation and it’ll be easier to work with them.

Flowers
RedHelenB · 02/12/2017 07:10

If the teacher ignored it then they will be responsible for that. What did the note actu ally say though?

lionguard · 02/12/2017 07:42

Scary how much safeguarding misinformation is on this thread.

If the teacher read the note of course she should have spoken to the child. A child approached her with a concern and she didn't even tell the child she had read what he wrote. That's appalling. Whether or not the concern was passed to the safeguarding officer, the fact that NO ONE then spoke to the child is awful.

Massive safeguarding fail there for the school.

Maybe she didn't read the note?