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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they are very cheeky? *sensitive subject*

86 replies

Afanofchocolate · 01/12/2017 17:01

I'm fed up of this couple asking for money basically, but due to circumstances I don't feel able to ask other mates if it's just me thinking the couple are CFs.

The couple in question have a severely disabled child. They recently moved to a massive 5 bed detached house but have realised that getting their child upstairs to the bathroom etc is a big struggle, so have started fundraising for a £15k lift to be installed.

5 times I have been asked to donate more money towards it. Fair enough a couple have been raffles etc.
I'm not tight fisted and do want life to be easier for the family, but I find it massively cheeky to put it upon your friends and family to fund adjustments to your home. They own other properties, took a long time deciding on the current house, have very nice cars, one of them earns a lot of money, recent wedding must have cost at least £25k.

How can I say no when asked again without making me look like an awful person?

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/12/2017 17:03

The fact that they have asked so many times implies they have the skin of a rhino. Don't feel bad about not donating.

kaitlinktm · 01/12/2017 17:05

"Sorry, I can't donate any more, I can't afford it and I have already donated x number of times".

Havingahorridtime · 01/12/2017 17:05

If a lift is an essential requirement they should be applying to the local equipment and adaptations team to get one.
If you don't want to give them don't. You don't need to give an explanation.
Don't look at assets they have and assume they can afford the lift though because they probably have everything financed to the max and one of the cars might well be a motability leased car due to the child's disability.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 01/12/2017 17:06

Mutiple requests must mean they are true CF's. I'd just ignore ignore and maybe go low contact as I don't think I could bite my tongue if they keep on asking.

Nanasueathome · 01/12/2017 17:06

Is it possible they could get funding for this anyway?
Things may have changed but when my husband was ill the council/social services were willing to pay for a stairlift to be installed.
They arranged for Stannah to come and measure everything up and were happy to pick up the cost
As it happened my husband passed away before the final measurements were taken and the stair lift made so the order was cancelled
This was 7 years ago though so things may be different now

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 17:06

Sounds like they could afford it themselves if they wanted to so just say "no sorry, I haven't got the funds. Wish you all the best though".

HateSummer · 01/12/2017 17:07

is It family? I’d tell them you can’t afford it. Full stop. They obviously don’t have their priorities in order if they’re spending 25k on a wedding.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2017 17:07

I’m not sure why you are feeling bad about not donating tbh. You sound a bit judgemental as to their financial situation. If you don’t want to donate, don’t.

When they asked you previously what did you say?

Brandnewstart · 01/12/2017 17:09

Like other posters have said they need to ring to get an OT referral as they should qualify under aids and adaptations. They probably need a wet room too. They really shouldn't have to fundraise for it!

Original poster
Afanofchocolate · 01/12/2017 17:10

I feel bad because I'm made to feel bad. One of them gives out guilt trips and won't stop making 'jokes' about how tight I am.

I mentioned their financial stuff to give context.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2017 17:13

Could you afford to donate? I guess if not that’s fine, it’s just unclear the reason why you won’t. Or is it just because you think they shouldn’t ask?

Original poster
Afanofchocolate · 01/12/2017 17:14

I have donated already.

OP posts:
Havingahorridtime · 01/12/2017 17:15

Can I just say that we moved to a substantial house and have a very nice car. We also have a severely disabled child.
We have no money though. The car is leased through motability. We had to buy a substantial house to accommodate adequately for our sons needs.
Equipment and adaptations paid for our son to have a wet room installed.
We didn't have a £25k wedding though.

BadPolicy · 01/12/2017 17:19

I agree with hidinginthenightgarden just day no, as you've already given.

Rarotonga · 01/12/2017 17:20

Could you say something along the lines of "Oh did you not see, I made my donation in month. Good luck with the rest of your fundraising"

Pemba · 01/12/2017 17:20

If they own multiple properties etc. , surely they could pay for this themselves? Call them out on their 'jokes', idiots.

StormTreader · 01/12/2017 17:20

Thats easy - find a worthy cause online, and every time they ask you, tell them how you wish you could but everything you had spare has gone to x cause, have you heard about x cause, they are desperate for donations..... they wont ask you again.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2017 17:21

Right well there’s your answer.

“ I have already donated thanks “

How are they asking? In person, forwarding links, texting? What do you say to them when explaining that you’re not donating?

ArchchancellorsHat · 01/12/2017 17:22

You're not obliged to give them one single penny, so having them chase for more after you already donated would see me trying to claw back the previous donation (not sure if that's possible) and telling them where they could stick it.

Petalflowers · 01/12/2017 17:24

They are being cheeky, if asking multiple times, and being rude to you.

I agree with above posters about you are going to have to say something. Can you just say that you donate to,other causes, and unable,to,donate to stair lift at this,time, but you have donated in the past. If they press for more,information, just say that you financial situation is private, and you don't discuss it with anyone.

If they keep making 'jokes' about your situation, you may just have to,be semi- rude, and just demand them to stop, saying it makes you feel uncomfortable, and is,out of order, and the 'jokes' are not funny.

Namechangetempissue · 01/12/2017 17:26

Why you would buy a house unsuitable for the family is beyond me, but anyway -like others have said, respond with 'I have donated on so and so date'. If they have the brass balls to call you tight, say 'that is very rude' and walk away.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 01/12/2017 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellendegeneres · 01/12/2017 17:28

Ok whoah 'jokes' about how tight you are need to be nipped in the bud as of right now. Next time it's mentioned I'd be saying to them I'd already donated more than I can afford without going without and that they keep mentioning my financial situation when they could sell their own items to fund it is out of order.
I'd cut them off, I really would. What the fuck. I'm disabled, I don't go guilt tripping people to fund the things I need doing, I've applied to the local social services department to do an assessment and hopefully they'll be able to support me. If I could fund it myself without going down that route, I would. I don't think they're cfs, I think they're just fuckers.

SilenceIsBroken · 01/12/2017 17:30

Make your own "joke" back. "Maybe it's time to remortgage one of your other properties! HAHA."

coddiwomple · 01/12/2017 17:31

You really should not feel bad. You helped as much as you could.
The "jokes" are completely out of order, if you don't want to go into a massive argument, just reply you cannot afford more. They could sell a car...

I have seen desperate people asking for financial help, because of urgent (terminal) medical problem. It was still ok for others to decline helping, not everyone can afford to be charitable. (in fairness, the ones who couldn't tried to give as little as £5).

In your "friends" case, they are unreasonable , you are not.