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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they are very cheeky? *sensitive subject*

86 replies

Afanofchocolate · 01/12/2017 17:01

I'm fed up of this couple asking for money basically, but due to circumstances I don't feel able to ask other mates if it's just me thinking the couple are CFs.

The couple in question have a severely disabled child. They recently moved to a massive 5 bed detached house but have realised that getting their child upstairs to the bathroom etc is a big struggle, so have started fundraising for a £15k lift to be installed.

5 times I have been asked to donate more money towards it. Fair enough a couple have been raffles etc.
I'm not tight fisted and do want life to be easier for the family, but I find it massively cheeky to put it upon your friends and family to fund adjustments to your home. They own other properties, took a long time deciding on the current house, have very nice cars, one of them earns a lot of money, recent wedding must have cost at least £25k.

How can I say no when asked again without making me look like an awful person?

OP posts:
cathyclown · 01/12/2017 17:32

I know I am going to be flamed for sounding insensitive, but surely when buying their new home the first thing they would have factored in was accessibility for their severely disabled child. You know, a downstairs bedroom and bathroom etc.

I know it would be top of my list.

Pacificly · 01/12/2017 17:32

Next time they 'joke' that you're too tight agree with them saying " yes you're right I am too tight to donate again I'm so tight I need the rest of my money to pay my bills" then wish them luck with their future fundraising!

DorisDangleberry · 01/12/2017 17:32

Tell them to move to a bungalow.

mummyhaschangedhername · 01/12/2017 17:34

In which way are they asking?

Just said, "oh thanks, but I've already donated" if your feeling particularly bold you can state you have donated multiple times.

HooraySunshine · 01/12/2017 17:34

Seriously, these people do not sound pleasant and especially not like 'friends'.

I feel bad because I'm made to feel bad. One of them gives out guilt trips and won't stop making 'jokes' about how tight I am.

Shock

Don't feel bad. This is their problem to sort out, they shouldn't be putting the burden on you (or anyone else). I'm sure the council would help out if they were told of the child's needs. I find it odd that they are (repeatedly) asking you and other 'friends' for money. I can't imagine doing that myself and I wouldn't want to be placed in your shoes.

The next time they asked me for money or made a remark about my finances I would say something like 'You know, you wouldn't have to beg money off your friends if you managed your finances a bit better. You've asked me X number of times now for money, I've given you all I'm comfortable giving you. Please do not ask me again.'

..and then I probably wouldn't see much of them again. Who needs people like that in your life!

MrLovebucket · 01/12/2017 17:42

I'd tell them that you've already donated and now you have to support your own family with your money, not theirs.

They would definitely be entitled to help from the local authority for adaptations.

I couldn't be friends with grabby fuckers like this.

gabsdot · 01/12/2017 17:42

Why on earth did they not think of this before buying the house. My friend's son is a wheelchair user and when they were house hunting they only looked at bungalows.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/12/2017 17:46

"I can't afford to pay towards this. But can I just ask, is there any reason you didn't look at bungalows or houses with downstairs bathrooms when you bought this house? If money is too tight for you to make the adjustments to the home you've bought knowing it's not suitable for your family, could you not sell your other rental property to fund the work? From the outside, it looks like you've made some odd choices and by asking other people for money, you are inviting them to comment on your choices. Don't ask me again."

Mivery · 01/12/2017 17:47

How are they asking you? Personally? Are you just judging them for having a gofundme or something and posting about it? If they're asking you directly and you don't want to contribute just tell them no, sorry, but you don't have the money to spare.

Appuskidu · 01/12/2017 17:52

They are making jokes about you being tight after you’ve already donated?

They are not your friends!

ObscuredbyFog · 01/12/2017 17:52

OP, you and whoever else they are asking are being taken for an absolute mug.

The couple in question have a severely disabled child. They recently moved to a massive 5 bed detached house but have realised that getting their child upstairs to the bathroom etc is a big struggle, so have started fundraising for a £15k lift to be installed

This website does price comparisons for stairlifts. Try it and see if the £15k they want "for the stairlift" is way OTT
www.stair-lift-comparison.co.uk/?stage=stairdetails

No-one, repeat no-one with a severely disabled child could move into a new house without considering the implications of how to get their dd up and down stairs easily.

No-one, repeat no-one with a severely disabled child could move into a new house without considering the implications of their severely disabled daughter's needs in all parts of the house. Their dd's needs are part of their daily life. No way could this be an oversight.

Ask them, how did they manage in their previous home? Is she in a wheelchair, are the doorways in this new home wide enough to fit it through?

"The Council" I don't know who exactly but it's a team of OT, physio, someone who looks at the building side and someone who costs it up, can come and look at your home and the adaptations it needs. they can install fully fitted wet rooms, usually on the ground floor and they can also install stairlifts, grab rails and a host of other aids.
This is a free service for severely disabled people

Don't let them take you for a mug any longer. By all means look on their local County Council website for something like 'Disabled people - specialist equipment, home adaptations and aids' then print it off, give it to them and tell them you want all of your money returned.

Spikeyball · 01/12/2017 17:57

How did they manage in their old house?

ArcheryAnnie · 01/12/2017 17:59

I feel bad because I'm made to feel bad. One of them gives out guilt trips and won't stop making 'jokes' about how tight I am.

Oh, OP, I think you should feel absolutely free never to bother with them ever again. They are cast iron CFs.

Either that, or retaliate with endless requests for donations towards [insert worthy cause here] and see if they respond.

yorkshireyummymummy · 01/12/2017 18:11

They sound like CF's of the highest degree
Personally I would stop having anything to do with them. It's utterly disgusting that they are calling you tight
Also, I think it's utterly disgusting that they own multiple properties, have nice cars ( presumably new and expensive) cars , have a good salary coming in and they are fundraising,!! Why don't they pay for it themselves?? Why do they expect their friends or the taxpayer to pay for it?? They should fund what their own child needs themselves rather than expect other people to pay for vital equipment for their child while they spend their money on unsuitable houses. They sound awful.

mindutopia · 01/12/2017 18:14

My mum and step-dad (who are perfectly able-bodied, just in their 60s) anticipate not being able to make it up and down the stairs later in life. They just bought a new house (which they hope will be one they stay in the rest of their lives). They have plenty of money and could buy whatever they wanted, but they intentionally got a bungalow, though a very nice new one, because they're realistic they may not be able to do stairs in another 10 years. I think your friends should have realised they either needed a house on one level or at least with a full bath and bedroom for their dc on the ground floor or they should have accounted for the need to install a stair lift in the purchase price and not spent beyond their means. Fair enough if it was a 2 bed terrace and they had to buy what they could afford, but at the price point of a 5 bed detached house there are loads of options. No, I think that's really cheeky. And no, I wouldn't feel guilty not contributing.

aplaceinthesun · 01/12/2017 18:23

Don't feel bad OP, they are seriously taking the mic with their 'jokes' Hmm. I think since the rise of the internet and therefore online crowd funding, CF'ery has become so much more acceptable. Those who are prone to CF'ery feel entitled to your money, it is a travesty to have to dip into their own pockets. Whether it is a charity trek free holiday, a new house or a gap year the brass neckers have no shame. I occasionally look at a blog that has a donate button (!) and her children are only dressed in Jojo Maman Bebe or Cath Kidston. She shares her "bargain buys" so she buys them herself (and even in the sale they are not cheap IMHO) but she keeps going on about not having any money and how tough times are Hmm

Spikeyball · 01/12/2017 18:28

I find it odd that someone has that much money and won't spend some of it to make their own life easier.

HidingBehindTheWallpaper · 01/12/2017 18:29

I know I am going to be flamed for sounding insensitive, but surely when buying their new home the first thing they would have factored in was accessibility for their severely disabled child. You know, a downstairs bedroom and bathroom etc.

I completely agree. As said above, I wouldn’t judge them on the basis of their car etc, which could be a motorbility car etc. However I would judge them based on the house they have bought.
This isn’t a case of them being given an unsuitable house by the council or this being the only house they could rent. Or having a child who developed a disability that needs accommodating. They have actively chosen this house knowing the needs of their child.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/12/2017 18:32

Next them they joke about you being tight say "Your the one who's disabled child needs a lift, you just bought the house knowing that was the case, you have other properties and you are expecting other people to pick up the tab and I am the the tight one Confused And as well as being tight you have the absolute nerve to call people who donated names? Let's add cheeky and rude to tight shall we? " Surely you don't want to be around these people anyway so you may as well stand up for yourself

DoJo · 01/12/2017 18:33

If they joke about you being tight I think it would be reasonable to point out that it is tighter to spend their money on a wedding and expect other people to fund their son's equipment.

Bedtimebunny · 01/12/2017 18:38

Have they tried contacting any children's charities? I know that Wellchild help people adapting their homes to make it easier for disabled children.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to say you cant afford to donate any more.

Emmageddon · 01/12/2017 18:50

I have a friend who lost her son to suicide a few years ago. She is constantly doing charity events for Papyrus, and although I have sponsored her a few times, I don't have an unlimited income. She knows that, and a hug and a mention of her boy's name seems enough. I love her dearly, I think she (and her son) are aware of that.

butterfly990 · 01/12/2017 18:51

Ask them if they are willing to donate to your crowd funding page Wink

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/12/2017 19:08

I don't think these people are your friends. They seem to think of you as a walking wallet.

RavingRoo · 01/12/2017 19:15

No is a complete answer. If they take the mick out of you, ask them bluntly to stop begging for money. They aren’t your friends OP.

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