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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that he should look after her sometimes?

113 replies

Dolwar · 21/11/2017 08:51

I work in a mainly female team and there are 2 who have young children under the age of 2. With it being winter obviously they have caught bugs from nursery and need to stay home. Fair enough. Both these women are married with working husbands and we are often only staffed enough for 1 person per area in what can be a very demanding and stressful job. My issue is that every time the child is ill it is ALWAYS one of these women who stays at home never their OH. One of the husbands does the exact same job as us but in a different department so is just as essential in work the other I'm not entirely sure but it's office based. AIBU to think that maybe they should share the sick days? So that we are not always the ones struggling with lack of staff?

OP posts:

Migraleve · 21/11/2017 09:04

YABU to think you have any right to judge other people’s circumstances.

It’s non of your business who stays home when a child is unwell. That’s a very personal decision between the parents of said child.

I would stay home for 3 out of 4 of mine. DH would stay with DD8. I would be seriously pissed off of someone at my work thought they knew my family’s needs better than I do.

Original poster

Dolwar · 21/11/2017 09:18

I'm not suggesting I know their needs... But without putting too much detail on our jobs it can be pretty risky being short staffed and they know that. Being home from the job in the bank isn't. I grew up where my parents took turns to look after us when we were ill to try and minimise any impact at work.

OP posts:

prettyprettyprettyprettyghoul · 21/11/2017 09:20

I agree with you OP. It is how we’ve always done it as well.

Migraleve · 21/11/2017 09:22

Yes you are. It's not your decision and it's fuck all to do with work. Just because your mum and dad did it doesn't make it the right choice for everyone.

The idea that the parent to stay at home with a sick child is decided on minimising impact at work is quite frankly ludicrous.

Jpaula · 21/11/2017 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Steeley113 · 21/11/2017 09:24

I completely agree! Why should it always be the Mum? They are both the parents.

timeisnotaline · 21/11/2017 09:24

The amount of absences would be the ops business if it affects her workload, and it is the team leaders business.

c3pu · 21/11/2017 09:27

Without knowing the ins and outs of the family dynamic, pay rates, annual leave etc etc it really is impossible to comment.

If all things are totally equal you may well expect the child sick days to be catered for equally, but YABU to pass any judgement if it's not.

Original poster

Dolwar · 21/11/2017 09:33

Migralie....so how do you decide who stays home? Both are parents so equally capable of looking after the child.

C3pu in one case the oh works for the same company in the same department so has the same HR terms and conditions with regards to employment but even on a day when he wasn't in work until 9pm she left 1.5 hours early to collect her daughter from nursery as she had a temperature.

OP posts:

Plasticgold · 21/11/2017 09:38

Maybe the parents are thinking of the child? I know both of mine (both under 5) want mummy when they're ill and I get that. I'm in my thirties and still want my DM if I'm sick.

The point is, as long as they are not breaking any rules at work their family comes first.

Migraleve · 21/11/2017 09:43

migralive....so how do you decide who stays home? Both are parents so equally capable of looking after the child.

Of course we are equally capable. But that doesn't mean either or. It means whoever is the best 'fit' for the task in hand, be it a sick child or picking up one of the teens after a party. When that does come to a sick DC in our house we make the choice based on many factors, but the impact it has on work is not and never will be on of those factors.

Aria2015 · 21/11/2017 09:44

How old are their kids? I agree in principle but my lo is 2 and when he’s hurt or ill he just wants me (even when he’s not he just wants me!) and seems to gain more comfort from me than dh. That’s not to say dh can’t do it, of course he can, but if he has him then lo is ill and often crying for me most of the day which seems double stress. That’s why I tend to take the days off. I anticipate as lo gets older this won’t be an issue, in which case we’ll take it in turns.

shutitandtidyupgitface · 21/11/2017 09:46

*It’s non of your business who stays home when a child is unwell. That’s a very personal decision between the parents of said child(

It is her business if her staff are taking off too much time to look after sick children. If only because she can fire them for it.

MissionItsPossible · 21/11/2017 09:48

It might be financially easier for her to stay at home. Short of demanding that she comes in, I'm not sure what you can do.

NerrSnerr · 21/11/2017 09:50

When I went back to work after having my daughter she was still breastfed so when poorly she wanted me. Now she isn’t breastfed it’s more even although she tends to still want me when poorly.

brasty · 21/11/2017 09:53

Totally agree OP. But in many families the woman is the default parent.

Lovestonap · 21/11/2017 09:53

I suppose if she is not over her quota of 'carer's leave' (is that what it's called?) then you can't say anything.

It may be she's using her quota and then he will use his afterwards.

You can't say anything, but I can certainly see your frustration with the situation.

The impact on work is certainly a consideration for my husband and I when working out who needs to stay off, in fact last night we were a bit worried as dc1 seemed a bit off - OH had important meetings lined up all today and I am only 3 months into a new job, so it would have looked rubbish for either of us to take time off. Our Dc don't get to choose who looks after them.

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 09:53

mission'It might make more financial sense for her but to her employers it shows that her husbands job takes priority. Both need to share the load.

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 09:54

What is this quota of "carers leave"?!

Heartofglass12345 · 21/11/2017 10:01

Nick nacky its leave that you can take that wont affect your holidays or anything, i think its up to the employer if they pay you or not though. Most workplaces will have a policy on it if they provide it.

Rockinglobstering · 21/11/2017 10:01

YANBU.
I have a 3yo DD, my DP and I take it in turns to take time off work if she is ill/ off preschool/ childminders for any reason.

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 10:02

No, I'm aware you get leave to cover emergencies, I'm referring to the posters comment about using up her and her husband quota.

RagingFemininist · 21/11/2017 10:02

YANBU.
That’s patriachy for you. Only women can and should take time off to look after children who are ill. Men should never do that as it harm their career (even if they actually have the same career than said mum)

Problem is, you can’t impose a new structure to their family and you can’t impose a new way of living.

As a manager, you might end up doing what most companies do, which is to avoid employing women of bearing age or putting pressure on them (fear of dismissal etc...).
Assuming of course that yu have done all you can to make the work flexible.
:(:(:(

NerrSnerr · 21/11/2017 10:05

Nick in mine and my husband’s jobs we get 5 days of paid carers leave each. I assume that’s the quota. In my job once that’s used we negotiate annual leave or unpaid leave.

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 10:06

I would say that's quite an unusual perk to have!

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