To think that he should look after her sometimes?

[Dolwar]

I work in a mainly female team and there are 2 who have young children under the age of 2. With it being winter obviously they have caught bugs from nursery and need to stay home. Fair enough. Both these women are married with working husbands and we are often only staffed enough for 1 person per area in what can be a very demanding and stressful job. My issue is that every time the child is ill it is ALWAYS one of these women who stays at home never their OH. One of the husbands does the exact same job as us but in a different department so is just as essential in work the other I'm not entirely sure but it's office based. AIBU to think that maybe they should share the sick days? So that we are not always the ones struggling with lack of staff?

n mine and my husband’s jobs we get 5 days of paid carers leave each

Wow. I woudl totally love that. "Oh my cat is a ill today, I need a day paid off to take him to the vet" #equalrightsforchildfree

Maybe he gays paid more and they are more concerned about his job security than hers?

ttbb That's not the mums employers problem though is it? Her employers expect her to treat her job as seriously as her husband treats his.

Obviously when she contacts me to say she's not coming in due to illness I say that's fine and I hope the little one gets better. Child is not breast fed by the way, is on solids. But it is frustrating for me as it does cause a staffing headache as I have to beg others to cover her and I feel I'm having to do that a lot and it's always the same people who get the raw end of it. I hate the idea of having to have a word with her but if it keeps going I don't see how I have a choice. It is a very patriarchal way of seeing things you're right.

We both work in public sector jobs. Silver carers leave is not just for children. My husband took a day off for me once when I had an emergency hospital admission. I know we are lucky to have such perks but the rubbish salary evens it out a bit

Gosh what a change of heart on mumsnet!!
When mothers asking re taking time off they are told that if course they should share care equally with their partner.
When this employer asks it is none of their business and of course mums should be allowed to take on the majority of sick care!

I agree with the OP and in our house (fortunately it rarely happens) we look at who NEEDS to be in work for meetings / customers etc and balance it that way. We absolutely do factor in the needs of work when making the decision, it isn't fair to expect colleagues to take the slack. Give and take.

Jpaula I think that is possibly the most tremendous mis-post I've ever seen

Good luck with the fitness campaign

I am the higher earner but I still take the time when kids are sick for a few reasons:

The kids want my cuddles when they are ill- my boobs are bigger and softer than DH's (just)

My DH is a brilliant dad in many ways but handling puke, tears and dr's waiting rooms is my forte.

And finally, the biggie, my employers knows I'm a 'mum' and expects me to have to take emergency leave on occasion. My DH's employer know that he's married and expect me to do the caring. Rightly or wrongly (definitely wrongly) there's less chance of retribution if I take the time of than he does.

DH makes up for it by using annual leave to go to sports days and assemblies (I'd rather deal with puke!)

When this employer asks it is none of their business and of course mums should be allowed to take on the majority of sick care!

I’m not saying it should only be mums. In fact I already said for one of my DC it would be DH.

My point is the decision should be based on family circumstances and what is best for the child. Not what the employer thinks.

Employers who expert employees to make this kind of decision based on the impact it has at work are out of line.

Yes, sorry I was assuming everyone has this in their contracts but of course for many it is down to employer's discretion etc.
This is a tricky one. OP Can you talk to HR dept about asking her to use annual leave instead?

Other peoples relationship dynamics are none of your business. You have no idea if the mother prefers to be at home with a sick child, if the child wants her mother.

I'll give you a little "test" - instead of snidy bitching about your collegue and her relationship and their preferred parenting, why dont you go up to the mother and tell her out right why you think she's a doormat, and then report back with the rocket she gives you? I'll put hte kettle on and await your head on platter to go with the digestives.

I was lucky to be a sahm in the early years, but I know if both me and oh had worked it would be me who did the "sick" days....WHY?? because the children wanted mummy when they were ill. These were my children but others may be different.

my dh, as lovely as he is, is not fab at "sick", not so much the sick but he wouldn't think ahead and put sheets/blankets down to lay on in case of the inevitable fountain of puke....which would mean every time dc was sick he would have to get them up, change all sheets, get changed etc.... (it happened once.... I came back to a mountain of washing and no clean sheets).

so in the case of the 2 parents doing the same job.... maybe it is the case that the dc needs and wants mummy?

in case of diff jobs.... maybe the other earns more and they cant afford to lose their wage. my dh earns significantly more than me per hour as well as more hours during the day. It would make sense for me to lose my £48 p/day than his £120+

This post has made me realise i should be more equitable when our LO is ill - currently DH by default takes the day off. He is self employed and takes the hit, making up the time overnight or weekends whilst I am employed for a company so 'easier' for him to take off but has knock on effect on him income, and welfare wise. Maybe next time i'll take the day...

I don’t think you are being unreasonable OP. Unless of course the child simply can’t be with a particular parent, but I’m sure they’d get on with it if they had to... we don’t have children at home but we do have a dog and share the caring equally. She goes to daycare but if something happens or she’s ill then we take in turns or do whatever suits either of us best. My husband earns 3x my salary but it’s not assumed as he’s the higher earned his job is any more important than mine..

Splinterz I'm inn no way judging her parenting or bitching about it. Has this post touched a nerve? I literally wondered if it would be unreasonable to suggest that the OH looks after the sick child on occasion.... not necessarily even 50% of the time. Of course every mother wants to be with their child when it's ill but the only way to really guarantee that is to be a sahm. Not everyone can let their child choose who stays at home with them, my parents never did and other posters don't either it would seem.

Yabu to judge the parenting setup of others

Ya Def nbu to be concerned about the impact on you/colleagues at work, but it needs to be framed as such, from that angle - in terms of how the impact is managed better in future.

We share here. DD doesn't get to choose and as we are both hospital consultants, we do look at how work will be affected. Once we did half a day each and transferred DD in the car park to make sure that both our clinics could go on.
Mind you we do 60/40 in terms of childcare and both can use a washing machine etc so we are clearly outliers already.

That’s a families right Migralieve however there is the risk the employer will view this as lack of commitment to the job.

OP you have touched a nerve, because most mothers are the default parent and do the majority of caring and housework, sometimes while denying that is the case, or justifying it for various reasons. Nobody likes to be reminded they are not being treated fairly by their own DP.

Maybe the dh does do it too but he doesnt work with you so you dont know?

saying the kids prefer their mum to their dad when they are ill is not really a valid excuse - a father is equally as capable of looking after a sick child - whether he's used to it or not!

it should be evenly shared out - if it is detrimentally affecting the dynamics at work, then its really not on

Araiwa has a point. My work wouldn’t know if my child was ill and my husband took a day off so maybe she’s only telling you the times she needs to be off and they’re sharing it.

Nan0second That's how we did it too! I actually find it a bit annoying the notion that the child wants the mum always! how would you know if the dad hasn't actually done it? Surely that situation has been created by the dad not taking on a caring role or the mum always takes over

I don’t know. In straight forward cases then yes it would be best if they did 50/50. I know families though where mum gets full sick pay and dad is in a risky agency type employment. Of course it makes sense to choose the one that would still get paid and won’t get sacked. Alternatively in my house, I’m self employed and dh gets full sick pay yet I still do the majority as I want to be there for my children. Think it’s more of a thing for a Mam. They are more likely to feel guilty if they are not there when their children are poorly.