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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slightly delicate matter...

86 replies

reachforastar · 19/11/2017 02:26

I am new to this site and would be interested in whether others thought and whether I was being 'pathetic'

DH and I have a 4 month old.

As I am on mat leave I sleep with the baby to allow DH to get a good sleep and so he is refreshed for work.

This week DH is on leave and slept with me for one night. The following night I asked whether he would be sleeping with me and he said he was too tired from.the disrupted sleep; our baby was just up the once for which I saw to him.

Anyway, I must have asked DH 4 times to stay with me the following night but he was too tired and off he went to the spare room.

The following morning I was making the beds and there it was, the ofending article, a mound of toilet roll on the floor next to DH's bed. DH had obviously had a good time without me.

I was upset because DH had rolled over and gone to sleep the previous night, the last time we had sex was some 4 weeks ago and DH Had gone from me asking him to sleep with me straight to the bathroom, got his toilet roll and done the deed all whilst i'm in the next room.

I asked DH why he had done it and he said I was 'pathetic' and if I was upset Bout such a thing it was time I went back to work...

I just wondered what other's thought and whether I am just being 'pathetic'

OP posts:
Agerbilatemycardigan · 19/11/2017 02:31

I don't think that you're being the pathetic one here OP. I'd feel incredibly rejected if my partner had behaved like this. You need to have a serious talk to him about your relationship.

Is it possible that he's misconstrued your reasons for sleeping separately? Is he feeling pushed out by the baby?

DiscoDeviant · 19/11/2017 02:33

I don't think you're being pathetic. He's being a selfish git!

He should sleep with you every night. You're in this together. To not even sleep with you when he's on leave is unbelievable. He should have been getting up with the baby to give you a break as well!

BabyDreams2018 · 19/11/2017 02:38

My DH wouldn't live to tell the tale if he spoke to me that way. Your DH needs to apologise to you and stop being a total twat.

BeerBaby · 19/11/2017 02:46

Firstly he needs to take the baby at night so you can rest! Especially when he's on holiday.

We split it dh did Friday, Saturday and Tuesday. I did Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. On holidays we alternated or did it together.

Secondly the way he talks to you isn't respectful! He needs seriously pulling up on that. I wouldn't want to have sex with my dh if he spoke to me like that.

I think put all these things together and the wanking and I'd be pissed off. Massively pissed off. You need to talk to him.

brabenot · 19/11/2017 03:04

No, you're not at all pathetic but he is because he can't even make his own bed, never mind be there for his wife and child.

whenthestarsturnblue · 19/11/2017 03:12

OMG regardless of who is working outside of the house; this fker should be taking 50% of the night work. My husband always did for 3 kids. I agree wholeheartedly with @BabyDreams2018; no way on this planet would he ever even attempt to speak to me that way. Stand up for yourself now or you will have a whole lot problems ahead.

Want2bSupermum · 19/11/2017 03:43

What I said to my DH 6 years ago was 'She is 50% yours and 50% mine that means we each do half of the work. Baby is sleeping with you while I catch up on my sleep.' The cheeky bugger expected me to do everything so the baby went into the spare room with him sleeping every single time. After the second night he asked me how long I was going to keep it up and I told him until he saw the error of his ways or until the alimony payments started. Third night onwards we were back in bed together with DD in the bassinet at the foot of the bed.

Want2bSupermum · 19/11/2017 03:48

I forgot to say that I agree with babydreams that I would not tolerate DH speaking or treating me like that. Just last night DH said something like 'I'm telling you not to get water for me because I don't drink it and I don't want it'. My reply was 'Your language is offensive and I won't stand for it.' I hadn't ordered the water infront of him that he had just knocked over.

MrsOverTheRoad · 19/11/2017 03:59

I can't believe the responses here! He's neither selfish nor a git for masturbating.

It's his dick!

He can do it alone if he likes.

MrsOverTheRoad · 19/11/2017 03:59

If my DH tried to tell me I couldn't masturbate because he thought I should be shagging him, then I'd hit the roof!

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 19/11/2017 05:23

Wanking that’s up to him, he should help you definitely when he’s on leave, also I’d say sometimes at work but if he doesn’t want to sleep with the baby in the bed, then I put gets a bit tough because why should OPs wishes trump his? I know I really wouldn’t want a baby in my bed, it would scare me that something would happen, and I definitely wouldn’t want sex in a bed with a baby that’s creepy to me.

Dsmummy · 19/11/2017 05:27

It’s disgusting that you had to deal with the tissues.
As for having a quick wank, there’s really nothing wrong with it. I know that we as mums with babies are exhausted but he can still be tired too. He probably wanted a quick release before sleeping without all the effort of sex.
It’s great some do 50 50 at night but not everyone can. We don’t as baby is breastfed so I do it all. It is what it is.
But, he shouldn’t have spoken to you that way or left a mess

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 19/11/2017 05:36

Is this a joke? If some filthy pig called me pathetic he'd be out the door in 5 seconds. Sit him down and tell him he takes 50% of baby shifts whether he works or not and he cleans up after himself. Add that if he ever calls you pathetic again he will go. Forever. He sounds utterly useless. What do you keep him around for? Do you want your DD to grow up thinking it's ok to let some arsehole talk to her like that?

Garlicansapphire · 19/11/2017 05:37

I wouldn't be especially annoyed about the wank. But the not sharing baby duties (it's his child too) is a very bad sign as it sets a precedent likely to continue that he doesn't really do any of the hard stuff. And calling you pathetic just isn't nice at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2017 05:37

You’ve had a baby for 4 months. Life has changed dramatically for both of you and it sounds like he may be battling against the adjustment. Was he like this before? Hopefully not and it’s time to take a breather then sit down and chat. Clearly what he said to you is unacceptable. Fighting isn’t going to help though. It’s respect you’re after.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 19/11/2017 05:40

I can't believe the responses here! He's neither selfish nor a git for masturbating.

While op does all the night feeds/waking up in the night so he can sleep in the spare room and have the energy for a wank? You think op has the energy to have a quick fiddle? I'd say he's very selfish actually.
The problem is lack of respect op. The way he speaks to you isn't on either. Need to nip this one in the bud. Has he always been like this?

tillytown · 19/11/2017 05:43

MrsOverTheRoad I love how you ignored him refusing to sleep in the same room, and therefore not helping with his baby, and leaving his sperm soaked tissues on the floor for his wife to clean up, and made up your own scenario where the op is trying to stop her husband wanking, well done.

tillytown · 19/11/2017 05:45

Oh, and let's not forget him calling her names and refusing to be intimate with her, she is totally unreasonable, and he should be hitting the roof.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 19/11/2017 05:50

* You think op has the energy to have a quick fiddle?*

Well yes actually considering she seemingly wanted to have sex with him...p

MrsOverTheRoad · 19/11/2017 05:53

He shouldn't have called her pathetic or left his mess...but he has a right to masturbate and not sleep with her if he doesn't want to.

Same as a woman has.

OhBondageUpYours · 19/11/2017 06:06

Same as a woman has.

You are still missing the point...

HousefulOfBoysNow · 19/11/2017 06:31

regardless of who is working outside of the house; this fker should be taking 50% of the night worK

Lots of posts are saying the same thing. Ds3 is 6 months old and I've done every night feed/waking since day 1. There's nothing dh can do unless he learns how to grow a pair of boobs Hmm . Maybe the op is the same.

Slartybartfast · 19/11/2017 06:41

To leave the tissues is horrible. he could at least have tided up after himself

confusedlittleone · 19/11/2017 06:46

"There's nothing DH can do unless he grows a pair of boobs"

Last time I checked you don't need boobs to change a nappy, and they often need changing in the night

WildBluebelles · 19/11/2017 06:53

I don't think someone who is working out of the home should do 50% of nights because they would never have a chance to catch up on sleep. If they had to drive to work, it could be unsafe if they are tired.

I also don't think the DH is necessarily unreasonable for wanting to have a wank. It hardly takes ages or requires a lot of energy.

I do think he is BU for calling the OP pathetic and for not cleaning up after himself. I also think the OP is BU for making his bed- let him make his own bed. Stop doing things for him all the time. He seems to have no respect for you. Maybe he will do once you make it clear that you're not his maid- you're on mat leave to look after your child, not him.

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