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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slightly delicate matter...

86 replies

reachforastar · 19/11/2017 02:26

I am new to this site and would be interested in whether others thought and whether I was being 'pathetic'

DH and I have a 4 month old.

As I am on mat leave I sleep with the baby to allow DH to get a good sleep and so he is refreshed for work.

This week DH is on leave and slept with me for one night. The following night I asked whether he would be sleeping with me and he said he was too tired from.the disrupted sleep; our baby was just up the once for which I saw to him.

Anyway, I must have asked DH 4 times to stay with me the following night but he was too tired and off he went to the spare room.

The following morning I was making the beds and there it was, the ofending article, a mound of toilet roll on the floor next to DH's bed. DH had obviously had a good time without me.

I was upset because DH had rolled over and gone to sleep the previous night, the last time we had sex was some 4 weeks ago and DH Had gone from me asking him to sleep with me straight to the bathroom, got his toilet roll and done the deed all whilst i'm in the next room.

I asked DH why he had done it and he said I was 'pathetic' and if I was upset Bout such a thing it was time I went back to work...

I just wondered what other's thought and whether I am just being 'pathetic'

OP posts:
Ausparent · 19/11/2017 10:39

realise that you have already clarified some of these issues!

Original poster
reachforastar · 19/11/2017 10:40

Financially, although things are a bit tight as I am on mat leave, we're ok. I also do keep in touch days at work to top up SMP.

I have discussed the issue I had and the subsequent comment with DH this morning but he doesn't feel he's done anything wrong. It's helpful to get other people's comments as sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. I do feel DH has been disrespectful with his comments but he just doesn't see it.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 19/11/2017 10:58

Maybe tell him you will go back to work immediately and he can do half of the baby work...

Squashit · 19/11/2017 11:04

Yep and the housework doubtless the OP does the lion’s share of if making the bed he has slept in and clearing up his spunky tissues is anything to go by.....

He is a lazy, entitled fucker and needs a reality check.

Squashit · 19/11/2017 11:11

Seriously OP if you went out to work and contributed in the same way your husband does- how much would it cost to cover all the jobs/roles you currently do unpaid if you outsourced them?

You would need a cleaner, housekeeper, overnight nanny, daytime nanny at very least I should imagine.

It really pisses me off when the massive role played by an unpaid carer is diminished by those who are paid handsomely for their contributions. If he had to pay a proportionate contribution from his salary towards the work you do he would have more respect.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 11:15

I don’t know any couples where the dad sleeps in another room.dont think it’s norm with new baby

DJBaggySmalls · 19/11/2017 11:35

He's been disrespectful with his behaviour and his comments. He left an unmade bed and dirty tissues for you to clean up. You arent being 'pathetic', thats a comment made to someone you despise.

kootoo123 · 19/11/2017 11:42

I agree you should be sharing. Mat leave is not just to have time to look after baby it is so the mother can get their body(i dont mean weight!!!) back to full working order, since 9 months of pregnancy takes its toll.

Also the idea that mum 'can nap in day' is a joke. Firstly not always there is lots to do when baby is napping. However naps dont help what the op needs is to be anle to get some REAL sleep. To go through the sleep cycles and get in a deep mode takes at least 4 hours min. Up every 2 means this never happens and while there is enough to function it can make you very ill in the and lead to depression. Any husband not caring enough of his wife to not want her to be ill or not appreciating her imput is a total waste of space. They had a baby together some selfish lazy dads on thus thread I think.

mindutopia · 19/11/2017 11:42

I don't think you can be upset that he masturbated in privacy. Everyone does that. I do it. My dh does it. Everyone does it (well, nearly everyone, I'm sure there are some nuns who don't). He doesn't need to sleep alone to do it. He could do it in the shower or in privacy in the bathroom like most people do. It takes a couple minutes, not all night. But I do think it's weird he doesn't sleep with you in general. Sleep is going to be disrupted for years to come. My daughter was waking during the night until she was 3.5 every night. She's nearly 5 now and still occasionally, maybe once or twice a month, might wake up during the night and need one of us. Sleeping separately is not a long term workable solution.

We bedshared until our dd was 2. My husband never once slept in the spare room. In fact, he was awake and helping with every night feed 2-3 feeds a night until she dropped them at 9 months and then we still shared the night wakings (one of us got up with her while the other slept) and we still do it now. Unless he's a pilot or a surgeon or someone who might kill someone if he was a bit tired from a rough night, there's no excuse for shirking parenting responsibilities. My dh was working full-time, plus starting his own business when our dd was born, so he was working 40 hours a week at his job, plus evenings and weekends on the business, probably 60 hours a week. He was still up 2-3 times a night with me helping. He survived just fine. Likewise, since I've gone back to work, I have a 3 hour commute (that's 3 hours each way) 3 days a week (up at 5am and not home until 7pm). I've managed just fine doing that while still nighttime parenting (obviously with help, because we split t 50-50). It's absolutely possible and it sort of sounds like he's taking the easy way out instead of being engaged and supporting you. I don't think the jerking off is the real issue here. With some exceptions obviously (stressful meeting ahead, early start, illness), he needs to be supporting you during the night, otherwise you'll potentially be sleeping apart for years.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 19/11/2017 11:51

He knew you were making the bed, didn't he? He left the tissues on purpose. Dickhead

Want2bSupermum · 19/11/2017 15:21

I'd put the tissues on the pillow in the spare room. His mess his responsibility. Also quit making his bed. He can at least do that on his own.

I'd be having strong words because it's very clear he doesn't respect you. You can turn it around but you need to be very strong within yourself.

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