Slightly delicate matter...

[reachforastar]

I am new to this site and would be interested in whether others thought and whether I was being 'pathetic'

DH and I have a 4 month old.

As I am on mat leave I sleep with the baby to allow DH to get a good sleep and so he is refreshed for work.

This week DH is on leave and slept with me for one night. The following night I asked whether he would be sleeping with me and he said he was too tired from.the disrupted sleep; our baby was just up the once for which I saw to him.

Anyway, I must have asked DH 4 times to stay with me the following night but he was too tired and off he went to the spare room.

The following morning I was making the beds and there it was, the ofending article, a mound of toilet roll on the floor next to DH's bed. DH had obviously had a good time without me.

I was upset because DH had rolled over and gone to sleep the previous night, the last time we had sex was some 4 weeks ago and DH Had gone from me asking him to sleep with me straight to the bathroom, got his toilet roll and done the deed all whilst i'm in the next room.

I asked DH why he had done it and he said I was 'pathetic' and if I was upset Bout such a thing it was time I went back to work...

I just wondered what other's thought and whether I am just being 'pathetic'

So many people missing the point. The OP didn't say she wanted him to sleep with her for sex. I suspect she wanted him to sleep with her to be in the same bed so he could do his share with his baby..

The masturbatng was upsetting he was putting his wants before sharing the care with his baby.

The main issue that needs dealing with her is the fact he's not doing his hate and he's threatening her that she should be back at work. Is he willing to do half the drop offs and pick ups at the child care setting he hasn't thought about ? I very much doubt it if he can't cope with more than one night of slightly broken sleep. The baby was up one and he did fuck all.

@HashtahTired FFS that is total bollocks. As a single parent I have managed both (caring for children and working outside the home) and think this man is a complete an utter arse.

Funnily enough I managed and I didn't get a choice about having to manage on sleepless nights, regardless of the work I was doing the next day.

But let's say you are right and I am wrong. Why the flying fuck would it not therefore follow that in his week off from work outside the home, and at weekends, he does nights?

I don't think the sly wank is the issue here (although he should have cleaned up after himself -gross), but from the rest of your post he doesn't seem to be fully involved or supporting you.

I'm on the fence about the sleeping in another room thing while working - for us it would have led to emotional distance which would have made both of us unhappy (although it happened the odd night here and there), but the fact he is wanting to sleep in the spare room even while on leave makes me think he feels he has some superior right to get a good night's sleep, rather than it being specifically so he's on form for work, and does not appreciate the job that you are doing or feel aware that you also need support. This would be the problem for me.

Honestly shocked at all those saying it’s a simple rule in splitting all baby duties 50/50. If you still expect and are relying on your DH/DP to go out to work as the sole brand earner while you’re on mat leave it just can’t work like that. They have to have more/decent sleep. We did me having babies at night through working week, while on weekend he’d do one whole night and just generally do all duties/ look after DC during day too so I had 48 hours to massively chill and catch up on sleep.

There’s no way he could do the job he does, the hours he does and still earn the money he does if he’d had a baby waking every hour during the night. You have to be realistic. To call you pathetic is discraceful. But so many women are far too precious about things like wanking/porn.

Nothing stopping you having a cuddle before you go to sleep, getting up and going to other room later, or coming back am.
With two young kids hardly ever ended up in beds we started off in, dp got out to escape one wriggler then the other one joined him cos he first one in with me! I then got up and went in kids bed. Madness

@ManateeEquineOHara I don’t disagree about the holiday/time off (and I did say this earlier on in the post).
Being a single parent is a whole level of tough that I totally respect. I can’t argue with you on that. But i do stand by my point that (where there are two parents and) when one parent is working, it’s not unreasonable to allow them to rest whilst the parent that is at home takes the lead. (Note ‘lead’ and not total responsibility)

God this makes me so angry and upset for the OP it's clear he isn't that interested in the baby or in you! If he were he'd realise you being at home with the baby is what's best for them and would never suggest something so nasty and spiteful as 'you need to go back to work' if you don't let him behave however he likes with no consequences or mention! My DH had a brief spell like this sleeping in the spare room on work nights and after 2 weeks I was SO tired and my health visitor remarked to him that you're supposed to be tired when you have a new baby..both of you and that it was his job to support me not opt out! In fairness he only works 9-5pm with an hours lunch break and my DS fed every 2 hours round the clock, I was a zombie he was all chirpy and bright eyed after his 10 hours a night solid sleep I was lucky to get 6 hours a bought massively broken into 2 hour chunks!

Manatee I also agree that during his annual leave, he has no excuse. Hats off to the single parents who have no option. However, if I was working full time to financially support the entire family and there was a parent at home, I would expect that that parent took the lead on night feeds although I would do feeds up until say 11 pm and then get the baby up in the morning before work. The thing I had an issue with was that you seemed to suggest that you need an equal amount of sleep to do both jobs. You can't take a quick nap during the day if you work in an office. You can if you are on mat leave (assuming your baby also naps).

But I think consensus on this thread is that he is a bit of dick (putting it mildly).

I think there is two separate issues here. The baby is now four months old and probably may be waking up for one feed. I can’t believe you have allowed him to have a separate room even when you are doing all the work and he is on annual leave. That is selfish of him. Secondly, if he feels the need to have a wank, clear up after himself. Disgusting to leave it for you to do.

Oh and when/if you do go back to work, absolutely no way can he claim he needs to sleep in the spare room- he then has to take 50% of the night feed responsibility because you will both be in equal need of being refreshed for work.

I am really not making excuses for lazy dickwads by saying there is a difference between what is needed for WOH/SAH. Just wanted to stress that. When he is off work, he needs to step up.

wildbluebelles. Yes really, I said I have never known a dad to do that. I didn’t say it doesn’t happen, just I have never met a family that admitted to doing it.

My ex husband was a twat, but he always let me sleep in at weekends, even with 3 under 3. OPs husband sounds selfish and immature.

I am also shocked at the number of women here who expect their husbands to do 50% of night feeds when they're working! Either their husbands are in very dossy jobs or they don't care whether they're able to function or not.

Fair enough share the load over weekends or when on AL. But totally unreasonable to expect it every night when the stay at home parent can catch up on sleep through out the day. It is not 'equal responsibility' its expecting husband to do 50% of parenting as well as 100% of earning, which adds up to more than 100% overall.

If the OP is BFing then her DH can't do the night duty.

He also shouldn't be punished for having a wank.

What he's done wrong here is talked to his wife in a horrible, dismissive way. It sounds like he was on the defensive though - she attacked him for choosing to sleep on his own and have a wank rather than sleeping with her - so he shot back with a mean retort. When both parties have calmed down then they should talk reasonably and calmly and agree a way forward. And if the OP is bottle feeding then yes, he should be doing some night duty, particularly while he's off work for a week. Prioritising his sleep over caring for his DC is selfish if he's able to help out and give the OP a much-needed break.

The op has said she is bottle feeding

I’m still wondering what in earth is the relationship between him refusing to sleep in the same bed than you, then going to masturbate and going back to work...

Does he mean that if you go back to work, he’ll get up during the night and sleep in the same bed than you so you can have sex again??

(Doubt it very much ....)

she attacked him for choosing to sleep on his own and have a wank rather than sleeping with her
Is it really ALWAYS ok to do whatever you want because it pleases you or works better for you wo any thought at all for the partner you are living in?
Is it really ok for him to say his wishes trumps the one of the OP?

Respect means that you are respecting the wish and needs of your partner, so much so that you give them the same importance than yours. It means that te wish fo the OP not to be alone again, to have some physical contact with her H (even if it’s not sex) has EXACTELY THE SAME VALUE than his wish to have a wank and a sleep. Esp when the OP has actually being very lounging to do all the gett8ng up at night, him sleeping on his own etc... to support HIM.
When is he going to support HER and make an effort?

The OP didn't attack him. She expressed her frustration at a relationhsip that I sine way. She is helping him and supporting him and he is doing f** all for her. Which is totally allowed to do.

I think he is pathetic in the way he has handled this. Is going back to work an issue as he seems to have thrown that at you as a threat ?

Calling you pathetic is unreasonable. Having a stealth wank is not.

There are some rampant sexist attitudes on this thread.

Looking after a baby is work. Unpaid work. Still work -that if was outsourced would cost £££ for around the clock care.

The OP is working hours more than her husband who is taking advantage of her.

OP your husband is being unreasonable. It would be an idea to cost up what a live in nanny would cost for both day and night care and let him know the financial contribution you are making to the family. He is a disrespectful little shit who needs to do more.

The worst bit of this story to me is the 'back to work' comment.

Does he resent you being on maternity leave?

My XH did all the baby work every other night. He wouldn't even take the baby, moses basket etc downstairs so that I could sleep interrupted.

When I expressed concern that he would be too tired for work, he looked at me as if I had 2 heads. HIs reasons for doing every night were: 1) He would wake, deal with the baby, and go straight back to sleep as soon as the baby did 2) He figured that I had put my body through a hell of a lot over 9 months and deserved the time to allow it to recover 3) He loved doing it because it gave him valuable time to just 'be' with his baby.

His 'reward' was a happier wife, a speedier return to a sex life, a tidier home (not that he was that fussed about that, but still)- all desirable things, to him. And he learnt this behaviour from his own father, who did the same.

And he didn't have a 'dossy' job by any means- he would leave the house at 6.30 a.m and get back anytime between 7 and 9 in the evening.

Admittedly he isn't a surgeon, or a bus driver- I could accept that people in jobs such as those might have more of an excuse to shirk night duties on working days. But other than that, there isn't any good reason why men should be deemed such precious little snowflakes that they can't deal with 'only' getting a solid night's sleep every other night.

Leaving the OP to sleep alone, deal with the baby alone, every night, is such extreme selfishness. It shows a blatant lack of respect and love for her.

As for the used toilet roll by the bed-wtf? Seriously? At the very least, the first thing he should have done when he got up in the morning is flush it, or bin it. To leave it there is just disgusting.

So in answer to your question, OP- no, you are not being pathetic. He is though. Deeply so.

Is it really ok for him to say his wishes trumps the one of the OP?

I think you have to when it comes to sex. Otherwise you are entering very dodgy territory where people are 'expected' to sleep with their partner because the partner wants sex. It has to be on the person's own terms so yes if I don't want sex and my partner does, my wishes trump theirs and vice versa.

Asked for my previous post to be removed as i hadnt read the whole thread so was talking bollox

People should be able to masturbate when they want.
Leaving the tissues out is selfish
If DH is on leave, you should ensure you are both benefiting from the extra pair of hands. Whether that means sharing the nights or having rest during the day, whichever works best for you.
The way he spoke to you was rude and unnecessary, although I suspect it came from feeling cornered and embarrassed.

I think you need to be clear on what the issue is. Whether it is about wanting the togetherness of sharing a bed, feeling rejected that he didn't want sex or that you want him to share in the night time work.

I am afraid that when a baby comes along you often end up having to be some fairly frank conversations. You can't make assumptions over what motivates the other. He may have gone to the other room because he is feeling very horny at the moment and assumes you are not interested.

Do you want more sex? Do you both feel comfortable about doing it in the same room as your baby or do you need to move elsewhere for it?

It is all very well talking about one of you being unreasonable but I suspect you would be better spending your energy identifying the exact problem and finding a solution than being angry with him.